[slides in/singing rug]
[He's talking on the phone] No, no, no. One medium pepperoni and one medium half-sausage half-cheese. [starts yelling] If you screw this up one more time, I'm never calling here again!! Thanks, Mom. [hangs up that line. goes to another call.] 'Kay, sorry. I got hungry. So you said you stepped out on a ledge, and I'm the only person you can talk to. Hello? Hell...? [hangs up] Rude.
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
[singing to himself] I wish you would step back from that ledge... [stops singing] Why's that song in my head? [notices camera] Oh hey, beardlovers. Were you singing that?
So today is November 29th. That's Rahm Emanuel's birthday, and he's the mayor of Chicago and his middle name's Israel, and that's where I live! Chicago not Israel! Totally celebrated outside earlier.
[Craig is in the middle of the street. Yells:] Hey! It's our mayor's birthday! Yay! [slaps a slap bracelet] The city has a noise ordinance, so I used a slap bracelet instead of one of those birthday noisemakers.
[Still in the street, Craig takes a piece of paper out of his pocket, unfolds it, and holds it up in the air before letting it go. The wind carries it away.] I didn't want to pick up all that confetti, so I used one solid piece of paper. [Runs after the piece of paper] Littering fines are steep in this city.
[back in his apartment]
What would Mayor Rahm Israel Emanuel want for his birthday? I could get him some John Mayer albums. 'Cause, you know, he's mayor. Or I could get him Material Girls [DVD case for Material Girls] 'cause it was distributed by Metro Goldwyn Mayer.
I don't really know a lot about him except the words used to refer to him.
i assume but have no actual reason to believe that he hates the mayor before him, Richard Daley. So I could get him an action figure of Kiera Knightley. The opposite of Richard Daley.
But why would he hate Mayor Daley? If he doesn't, I guess I could get him Natalie Portman. The better version of Kiera Knightley. Everybody knows that.
Or perhaps I could get him an article for download all about how read-only memory is not a myth. Or ROM Is real! E-manual.
I know I, Craig Gene Benzine... [turns to another camera angle labeled 'There, I said it' cam.] Yep. That's my full name. There, I said it. [turns back to main camera angle] ... appreciated my birthday gift this year. A yearly subscription to the historical fiction comic about a genetic mutant Benjamin Franklin who's able to morph at will into a steep rugged mass of rocks projecting upward and outward. The Pulitzer Prize-winning CragGene Ben. [The cover for the comic appears on screen.] See? It's a zine. [The word zine appears next to an arrow that points at CragGene Ben < zine]
I'm excited 'cause last month ended on a cliffhanger. It always ends on a cliffhanger.
Eh, maybe I"ll just get Rahm an iPad.
Anyway, I wanna tell you guys about something new in my life. New couch! [Dives onto the couch] Legs. [points at couch legs] [Now on the floor, points to couch leg] That's right! New couch legs! Four of 'em! Well, actually five. [holds up another couch leg.] [Lying on couch again] But I didn't wanna put on the middle leg. [Puts it where it should go. A black censored box conceals his hand and the couch leg] That is obscene. Children watch this show!
[Sitting on the couch] Check it out! I sit way higher up off the ground, which is great because when I'm eating cookies [holds up cookie] and I drop one, which I always do 'cause I'm always talking while I'm eating.... [tries eating the cookie while talking. It falls. Closeup of cookie heading for the floor.] I got plenty of time to take action. [gets up and walks a short distance from the couch, turns and faces the couch. Falling cookie. He dives onto his stomach on the floor, his hands cupped in front of him, slides, and catches the cookie.] And catch it! Plus I can fit a dish of milk under here. [Pulls out a dish of milk from under the couch. Dips the cookie in the milk. Takes a bite.] Mmm. Yum yum. [Pushes dish of milk back under the couch. Takes another bite of the cookie.]
[Wheezy Waiter video game outro]
[Viewer-submitted wink (ding)]
I would just like to remind you that we have 15 days left to help end youth homelessness by raising ten thousand dollars and so that I will sleep in an igloo overnight that I build with my own bare hands. Well, I'll probably be wearing gloves. Link in the doobly-doo to donate. We've raised over 4,000 so far but we have almost 6,000 left to go. We're gonna do this. We're beardlovers. We don't fail. Unless the object of the game is to fail. Then we fail hard. But that's not the object of this game. Let's just forget about failure for the moment, okay?
singing rug, song, beardlovers, slap bracelet, 'There, I said it' cam, new couch, wink, doobly-doo
I Got New Legs! on YouTube