[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beard [Wikipedia definition of love appears onscreen] emotion-of-strong-affection-and-personal-attachment-ers, happy Valentine's Day. I know who your valentine is. Beards.
A good gift for the person or beard you love on Valentine's Day is chocolate.
Okay. [Holds up pieces of chocolate. Rubs them into his beard.] Yeah.
You also should give 'em flowers, but I don't have flowers. I do have flour. [Dips his beard into a bowl of flour.] Romantic.
I'm one step closer to a chocolate beard cookie. The baking part of the process... that's, uh, that's gonna be painful. I only dipped it in there once. This stuff just keeps falling, huh? [Moves his jaw repeatedly and the flour continues to fall.]
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
Ahh, Valentine's Day. [A Valentine's Day heart graphic appears onscreen.] It makes me so... Why is that the symbol for Valentine's Day?! A heart. This is something I've been meaning to get off my chest.
Turns out I can't. It's the myogenic muscular organ that pumps blood throughout all the blood vessels in my body, and I need it to live.
[shows Wikipedia info about the heart] Apparently the heart was once widely believed to be the seat of the human mind. So that's why we get all feelingy with it. But we know now that it's the brain.
So why can't the brain be the symbol for love? It's honestly a more impressive organ.
The heart is just a pump. It pumps blood throughout your body. So when you say 'I heart you,' you're really saying 'I pump you," and that's... that's really inappropriate.
So does that mean any pump can represent love? What about this one? [Picture of a pump] It's an upflush toilet pump. Found it on Google. I don't know what it is. But it's hot!
No, the brain should be the true symbol of love. Instead of this... [makes a heart symbol with his hands] it should be this. [Makes a brain symbol with his hands. His knuckles knock together loudly as he does so.] Owwww.
You should probably wear gloves on Valentine's Day. Valentine's Day knuckle pads! Ohhh, cha-ching! They can be in the shape of brains. I'll sell millions. Don't tell anyone about this. I am a venture capitalist.
Instead of I heart you, [symbol <3 appears onscreen] it should be I brain you. [symbol (|) appears onscreen.] That kinda looks like a butt, but even that makes more sense than a heart. No one goes, Oh snap! Check out the heart on that girl! My oh my-ocardium. The curves of that left ventricle... [grunts approvingly]. And the aortic valve? Aorta talk to that girl, you know what I'm saying? Hate to see you go, but I love to watch you... oxygenate blood and circulate it throughout your body.
No. The brain controls all emotions. I love you from the bottom of my heart? What would... what would that be? [diagram of the heart] The Inferior Vena Cava? That's not even the Superior Vena Cava.
I love you from the center of my brain. That's where my limbic system is.
Baby, you stimulate my basal ganglia. You should probably save that for a second date.
As far as color is concerned, currently Valentine's Day is all about red, because our blood is red inside of our heart. Well, maybe it should be brain fluid. So... clear.
Gifts for loved ones could include empty water bottles. Varnish. [blows out air from his mouth] Air. Sales of Crystal Clear Pepsi'll go through the roof.
For decoration, you can put brain-shaped saran wrap on the windows. [He does that.]
And as for what you wear.... [cuts to Craig standing with no clothes on except for socks, wrapped in plastic, with a Censored box over his pelvic area] plastic sheeting!
[Wheezy Waiter outro]
[Viewer-submitted domino wink (ding)]
[Sitting with plastic sheeting still wrapped around him] Just a reminder, my band has two shows coming up. Info in the doobly-doo. We're playing Thursday in Cleveland and Friday in Vestal, New York at Binghamton University.
Also if you haven't checked it out yet, new Wheezy Waiter app. Link in the doobly-doo.
Happy Valentine's Day, beardlovers. I brain you. [Makes hand symbol for the brain. His knuckles knock loudly together.] Ow. [The plastic sheeting falls open a little because he's doing the symbol and not holding it closed. He looks down, gasps audibly and covers his chest. His face starts to turn red. Really red. There's a knock on the door, and in the background we see Chyna entering.]
[Chyna:] Craig, are you ready for our date? [His face turns even redder.]
singing rug, Wikipedia, wink, Driftless Pony Club (DPC), doobly-doo, beardlovers, turning red from embarrassment
I Brain You on YouTube