I'm Dying

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"I'm Dying"
WheezyWaiter video
Episode no. Episode 258
Original Upload date February 19, 2010
Running time 0:03:28
Intro Wheezy beard intro
Outro Sunglasses outro
Wink submitted by lollowilla
Episode chronology
← Previous
"Peter the *Shirt*"
Next →
"Life Off"



[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. For today's pre-title graphic, we're going on location.
[Craig is standing in the middle of the street. The camera is filming him from the window.] I'm on location.
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
In the comments, ryanfernandes13 writes [shows comment] "When's your mom coming back?" and then he made an emoticon expression something like this. [Craig attempts to mimic the emoticon expression D= ]
Well, Ryan, my mother took a vacation for a while. In jail. For racketeering. But she's back now because her organization successfully framed some dude. It's cool. He has a wife and four kids. They can manage the daily household chores. I probably shouldn't have said all of this on the internet.
[Craig at window as his hypothetical mother:] *Ding* that! I prefer jail to this *shirt*hole.
Ahh, hypothetical mother. We love you.
Many of you are aware of Google's attempt at social media with Google Buzz and the backlash it caused because of privacy issues. Here's what people on the street are saying.
[Craig standing in the street:] It's *ding*ing cold out here.
Well, if you're feeling the Buzz void as they call it, or as I just called it, that can only be filled by the sweet sweet nectar of social media, I started my own new social network called Beardmuda on Ning. Link in the doobly-doo.
I don't really know what we're gonna do. Perhaps we can use it to figure out how to take over the universe. [shrugs]
[Another Craig lands in the kitchen doorway with a pop sound.]
[Craig:] Hey! Craig from the future, everybody!
[The audience laughs and applauds. Craig claps. Future Craig waves.]
[Future Craig:] Thanks for the artificial applause.
[Craig:] You're welcome. As many of you know, I figured out a way to travel through time. And I do it from time to... time. [Audience laughs. Craig and Future Craig also laugh.] Ohhh... yeah. So what brings you here, Future Craig?
[Future Craig:] So I went to the doctor and he said I was dying.
[Craig:] What? Really?
[Future Craig:] It's a rare disease caused by too many weekday videos in a row. He said if I would have cut it down by one week, I could live a long and happy life. So you have to take next week off.
[Craig:] A week off? [Future Craig nods] They're gonna be so upset. [gestures to camera]
[Future Craig:] It's either that or an eternity dead.
[Craig:] Alright. [Audience begins booing] See ya.
[Future Craig waves and pops out of the room]
I guess I won't be making videos next week. Sorry guys. My life depends on it. But I do have a new social network. And I may still be able to upload videos on my alternate channel, wheezynews. I don't know. I'll talk to my doctor. There's a link to that channel in the doobly-doo.
The coffee's done! I love it when the coffee's done! But I'm sad. [crying. Gets up and cries his way to the coffee. Comes out of kitchen, still crying, coffee in hand. Sits down.]
Oh *shirt*, it's Free Bagel Friday.
[Craig's boss walks up the bagels. Craig walks up.]
[Craig:] Gimme that bagel!
[Craig's boss turns and laughs:] Ha ha ha ha! I hear you are taking a break next week. [Craig nods] That means free bagel for me. Why don't you give me a punching?
[Craig punches his boss, who flies backwards. Craig grabs the bagel and puts it in his pocket. He jumps and pops away, time traveling.]
[Craig's boss, lying on floor:] Huh? Where'd he go?
[Title on screen: 1 week later]
[Craig's boss walks up to the bagels.]
[Craig's boss:] Ahh, I love eating free bagels on February 26th.
[Craig pops into the bagel area and punches his boss, who flies backwards. Craig grabs the bagel and turns to go.]
[Craig's boss, lying on the floor:] Happy Kuwaiti Liberation Day.
[Viewer-submitted wink (ding)]
[Wheezy Waiter sunglasses outro]
[shot of street from the window. We hear Craig before we see him.] That first 'It's cold out' wasn't, uh, strong enough. Let's do another one. [Craig walks into street and turns to face the window] It's *ding*in' cold out! [walks out of the street] That's probably better. Anger. It's what the kids are into these days.

Recurring elements

singing rug, beardlovers, comments, emoticon expression, hypothetical mother, *ding*, *shirt*, doobly-doo, time travel, laugh track, "I love it when the coffee's done!", Free Bagel Friday, wink, outtakes


This is the first video in which Craig tries to imitate an emoticon expression left in comments.

External links

I'm Dying on YouTube