[Craig slides in laughing/singing rug] Ahahahahahahaha [snorts] The snort made me forget what was funny.
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
So beardlovers, today's December 20th. Wait, December 20th? Of course! It's the birthday of Oronce Fine, French mathematician and cartographer from the 1500s. Happy birthday, Oronce.
[A clone emerges from the cloning area:] You just looked up obscure sttuff on the internet and now you're pretending you know it.
[Shot of Craig, who's turned towards the clone:] I just know these things. Don't be so comminative.
[Clone:] You see? Right there. No one says comminative. You just went to thesaurus dot com, looked it up, and then edited this video so it seemed like you said, "Don't be comminative" right after I said you pretend to know stuff.
[Craig:] I suggest you abjure your acrid asseveration, sir.
[Clone:] It just took you, like, ten minutes to look up all those words and I had to stand here the whole time, and you're probably gonna edit all that out. I'm getting really bored. I might leave if you have to research your next statement.
[Craig:] I remain abashed by your affectation.
[The clone's gone.]
[Craig:] He appears to have evanesced. [turns back to main camera angle]
Speaking of evanescing, it appears that Bon Jovi evanesced from life. Meaning he died. [shows article] But it was a completely false rumor. To prove it, Bon Jovi tweeted this picture of him holding a piece of paper that said [closeup of piece of paper he's holding, which reads: "HEAVEN Looks A lot likE NEW JERSEY dec. 19th 2011 6:00] Heaven looks a lot like New Jersey. December 19th twenty eleven. 6 o'clock.
But I think we're missing the real story here. Bon Jovi's very reckless with his usage of uppercase and lowercase letters. [arrows point to some of the capitalized letters in his note] Plus his Ls are twirly. And that L's only [starts singing] Halfway there... Whoaaa... It's twirly, not square. Watch his hand, making sometimes all caps without care. Whoaaa... And his arm is covered in hair. Whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa. [shakes his head like he's shaking himself out of it] Okay.
This got me wondering. What if there's a rumor out there that I'm dead? I'm gonna have to prove that I'm alive. I'm alive. See? I'm not a ghost. Check it out.
[Craig walks into the wall. Bangs into it.] See?
And I can still do my thing. You know my thing. Breathing. [extreme closeup of him breathing in and out rapidly]
[Speech impediment guy:] Ah we show yoe not fawsifying the twuth, Wheezy Waitoe?
Fine. I'll breathe outside where you can see my breath.
[Speech impediment guy:] A weenactment of weawity?
No, an actual enactment.
[Speech impediment guy:] Pwoceed.
[Craig leans out the window and breathes. We see his breath.] [Craig in voiceover:] Also, I have a fear of death. [Craig leaning out window turns to camera in fear:] This is so high up. [Moves away from window] Hummina hummina.
And furthermore, dead men don't look this good. [Gestures around his face] I mean, come on. [Continues gesturing and smiles and nods] I mean, come on, right? Come on. I mean, come on.
And they say dead men tell no tales. Well, I can tell a tail anything. [holds up dinosaur toy. Talks to its tail.] Hey tail, listen up. I've noticed you've been falling behind lately. [Audience laughter. Craig acknowledges their laughter and laughs too.] AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. You see, a studio audience can hear me.
Also, dead people don't eat. I eat constantly. And grotesquely. [Holds up a bag of pretzels and shoves many into his mouth, making nomming sounds.] Push it all in! [Makes more grunts and nomming sounds as he throws pretzels into his mouth and chews.]
[Turns to camera with food sticking out of his mouth.] Is there food on my face? [turns red from embarrassment. Really really red.] Dead people don't get embarrassed.
Nor do banjos play when a dead man makes this face. [Banjo face]
I'm pretty sure I was alive when I said this quote, which to me is right now. [These words appear onscreen as he says them: I'm pretty sure I was alive when I said this quote, which to me is right now. -Craig Benzine]
But it's true. This video is pre-recorded. Something terrible could have happened since I recorded this. Therefore I will constantly update my life status on Twitter, Facebook, Google Plus, and my website. And probably the IRS. Pending some clever bookkeeping. Hehe. Shifty eyes, shifty eyes.
But if that's not enough to prove it for you, I got some new technology from YouTube. I can insert live footage right into this video. The following footage is absolutely live.
[Low-quality footage. Title onscreen: LIVE. The image is flipped. Craig's wearing a different shirt. For most of this, he's not looking at camera but to the left of camera - almost like he's reading:] That was all of my deepest darkest secrets. Hehe. So yep, I'm alive. And I just read today's news to prove it. Can you believe the recent political development? What are we gonna do about it? I don't know but I'm getting excited for the change of the seasons. I already bought the proper wardrobe. And let me tell you... technology today... it's so much more advanced than previous. It's a good time to be alive. Alright. Now I'm going to repeat everything I just did in a loop right after a quick nap. [lowers his head, snores.]
[Winker and her clone play and sing outro theme as Wheezy Waiter shadow outro graphic can be seen in a small box onscreen:] Wheezy Waiter. [They wink (ding) (ding)]
Furthermore, dead men aren't this good-looking. I mean, come on. [gestures around his face. smiles. nods.] I mean, come on. And furthermore, dead men don't look this good. [gestures around his face.] I mean, come on. [smiles and nods] I mean, come on. Come on. I mean, come on. Come on, right? I mean, come on. I mean, come on, right? Come on. Come on, r... I mean, come on, really. Come on. Come on. I mean, come on. I mean, come on. I mean, come on. I mean, come on. Hehe. Come on. [nods and smiles]
singing rug, beardlovers, clone, headlines, song, breathing being his thing, speech impediment guy, laugh track, turning red from embarrassment, banjo face, Craig quotes, wink, outtakes
I'm Alive on YouTube