[slides in/singing rug]
[Smiling, Craig holds up a bowl. He pours milk into the bowl. Getting out of his chair, he places his face in the bowl of milk. He sits again and raises his head to reveal milk dripping off his nose, mouth, and beard. He smiles as milk drips off him.]
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
So in the news today, a fourth grader saved a girl from choking. [sarcastically:] Oh that's such good news! Just perfect! Yippity skippity. [raspberry]
Now don't get me wrong. I'm glad the girl's still alive. People alive are better than people not alive. You can quote me on that. [Title on screen: People alive are better than people not alive. -Wheezy Waiter] I think I'll put it on my tombstone.
Do I have a point to make? [thinks for a second] Yes. I knew how to do the Heimlich maneuver in fourth grade and I longed for the day when someone would choke so I could be the hero. [talking in a falsetto:] Yay Craig! You saved my life! [kissing] Whoa! You're a dude in this scenario.
I used to carry around big chunks of meat and feed them to people. Scare them while they're chewing.
One time I gave someone the Heimlich because I thought they were choking but they were just doing an impression of Yoda. [talking like Yoda:] There is another Sky... walk... er. [coughs] Choking, I'm not. Stop it, you must.
[A clone is eating something in the background]
I know given the right circumstances, I would be a hero. [The clone starts choking.] It's just not fair. [The clone grabs his throat.] Someday, I'm gonna give someone the Heimlich and save their life. [The clone drops the broom, still choking] And then they'll write stories about me. [turns his head] I know you're choking, clone. You don't count. [Clone falls to his knees, pointing at his mouth] Where was I? [Clone falls over]
In other news... [starts crying] No more news! I'm too upset. [cries] I wanna be a hero.
[Dog winks (ding)]
[Wheezy Waiter video game outro]
Oh hey, I'm taking a break from my sadness for a moment to let you know about a YouTube show called Duncan Rocks. I'm in the latest episode. It's funny. Here's a clip.
[Duncan and Craig sit side by side.]
[Duncan:] No, he's bulomic. It's a religion. It's where you throw up every time you eat.
[Craig:] That's bulimic.
[Duncan:] No it's bulomic because he's always like [puts his hands in praying position and then makes puking sound] OH GOD! whenever he eats.
Click here to go watch the whole thing and subscribe. [Smiles. His smile dings as it glints.]
One more thing. Remember that sketch show I was a part of called fridaynitebytes? Well, they're doing a live sketch show at Chicago's Sketchfest this weekend, Sunday, 2:30, and I might make a small appearance. Link in the doobly-doo for information about that. [looking up] Why did the light just get brighter? Oh my god!
Well, back to sadness. Haha. [starts crying again. grabs a tissue. then grabs a roll of paper towels. unrolls the roll of paper towels on his face as he cries.] Old shirt, who needs it? [starts crying into his shirt] Old bedsheet, who needs it? [Grabs a bedsheet and cries into it] Old TV, who needs it? [Grabs a television and starts crying into it]
singing rug, headlines, Craig quotes, clone, wink, collab video, dinging glinting smile, fridaynitebYtes, doobly-doo
The Duncan Rocks video with Craig is here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yMK0gu6a1h0.
How to be a Hero on YouTube