How to Survive a Nuclear Blast
|"How to Survive a Nuclear Blast"|
|Original Upload date||November 23, 2011|
|Intro||Wheezy beard intro|
|Outro||video game outro|
|Wink submitted by||Julie Watiker|
[As the video begins, Craig is working on a list Why I'm Awesome (see below). Another Craig is visible leaving the room through a door in the background.]
[Other Craig:] Phew.
[Craig:] Hmm. Let's see. Properly-labeled office supplie... [shakes pen] The pen is out of ink. [Throws pen. It explodes, sending his remote hurtling into the air.] Oh crap! That was exploding pen! [The remote hurtles upward through the sky.] Hmm. Looks like I sent my remote flying. Shouldn't be a problem. I'll just catch it when it comes back down. [Remote still hurtles upwards.] Wow, it really just keeps going, huh? [Remote keeps flying upwards. A plane that looks like a military plane passes overhead.] Well, that airplane should knock it back down. [The remote explodes as it makes contact with airplane.] Whoa! Looks like that was an exploding remote. [A door of the plane opens and drops a nuclear bomb, which falls towards Craig's apartment.] You have got to be kidding me. That plane was carrying a nuclear bomb? And on Explosion Wednesday of all days. I didn't even get a chance to decide if I wanted to make it a thing or not. Am I gonna survive this? I'll look up how to survive a nuclear blast, and I'll talk to you in one intro length of time. [Leans towards his computer]
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
[slides in/singing rug] Hey beardlovers. How to survive a nuclear blast. Step one. Live in a place that is less likely to be bombed by a nuclear weapon. Don't live in a major city. Or a missile silo. Sure, the rent is pretty low, and utilities are usually paid for, but it's a target! If you must live in a city, go to a decent city that no one cares about. Like Milwaukee.
Consider being president of your country. It's likely that you'll know about the bombing early. But watch out for assassination attempts. Also could you do something about tort reform? I think something needs to be done.
Consider Antarctica. The planet's getting warmer. It could be a nice place eventually. Also, have you seen March of the Penguins? Adorable!
If you sought out this video, that probably means a nuclear explosion is imminent. And that probably means we're a little bit late for step one. Probably shouldn't have spent so much time on that, but really I'm just humoring you, because, dude, this is a nuclear explosion. It's very unlikely you're gonna survive. But don't let that discourage you.
Step two. You gotta find cover. Duh. A 1950s refrigerator isn't gonna help you, Indiana. And I mean the archaeologist, not the state of Indiana. Though it's not gonna help the state of Indiana either. Though all the cities in Indiana are on par with Milwaukee, so you probably don't have a lot to worry about.
What you need to do is try to get underground. Or hunker down in a brick building. Hey, I'm in Chicago! It's all brick here! Woo! Oooh, that's unfortunate for Silicon Valley. You probably shoulda used different building materials if I'm understanding this correctly. Same goes for Emerald City. And the Big Apple. Fruit does not hold up well to a nuclear blast. I guess I could say the same thing about Silicon Valley, if you know what I mean. [A rainbow appears over a picture of SF. Craig covers his mouth naughtily and raises his eyebrows a few times, which boing.] [Text onscreen: *sexual preference has nothing do with chances of survival in nuclear blast. Be who you are.]
Anyway, find a brick building. Stay away from windows, and stay low to the ground. If you're in an apartment setting, it's good to be above the first few floors and get into the middle of the building and get low.
If you can't find any of this, just stay low to the ground with something between you and the blast. And cover your vital organs and your head with your arms. [Craig grabs his face and his shoulder, crossing his arms in front of his body.] Fellas, bring your arms up here. You don't need that organ to survive.
The good news is it's really hard to survive this so no one's gonna judge you if you do something wrong. Plus you'll be dead! [Pulls his hand away to reveal a banjo face]
Also, don't look at the blast. You will go blind. It's brighter than the sun. If you wanna look at something bright, here... [picture of Robert Pattinson] here's Robert Pattinson's skin.
[Speech impediment guy:] But Wheezy Waitoe, my peepos [points to eyes] desioh a gwance at the mushwoom cwoud.
Oh, you like mushroom shapes? Here's Scary Spice. [A picture of the Spice Girls. A mushroom is superimposed over Scary Spice's head.] And Tootie from the Facts of Life. [picture of Tootie. A mushroom is superimposed over her head.]
Now if you've survived, you need to get underground or just far away to avoid prolonged radiation exposure. Decontaminate yourself when you can. Soap and water will help.
Since this is a nuclear blast, it's likely that someone will be there to help you soon. Unless it's an apocalyptic situation. Either way, you just survived a nuclear blast. Give someone a high five. Here, give me one. [holds up his palm to camera] High five. [smiles and nods]
Now you're probably wondering why I'm not doing any of these things [glances upwards]. Well, I'm not worried. Nothing a little time travel can't solve. [Grabs a pen and runs into the room that the other Craig entered at beginning of video.] See you sooner!
[Clock wipe to empty room. Text onscreen: 4 minutes ago. Time-traveliing Craig comes out of the room in the background. Sneaks up to the desk and replaces pen on the desk with the one he brought.]
[Craig pokes his head out of a doorway:] Hey, clone! Get back to your chores!
[Time-traveling Craig:] Nothing!
[Craig:] I'll nothing your face!
[Time-traveling Craig recoils in fear but not quick enough. Craig punches time-traveling Craig.]
[Time-traveling Craig:] Ow!! [punches Craig]
[They both shout:] Ow!
[Time-traveling Craig:] Ugh! I gotta remember to stop punching my past self.
[Time-traveling Craig:] I'm you from the future. I came here to replace your exploding pen to avoid a nuclear disaster.
[Craig:] Oh, great. Thanks. No one wants that. [Craig goes to sit down.]
[Time-traveling Craig:] I knew I'd understand. [walks toward time-travel area]
[Craig is working on a list: Why I'm Awesome (see below). Time-traveling Craig is leaving the room through a door in the background.]
[Time-traveling Craig:] Back to the present.
[Craig:] Hmm. Let's see. Back to the list. Properly-labeled office sup... [shakes pen] Pen's out of ink. [Throws pen. It explodes, sending his remote hurtling into the air.] Crap. Another exploding pen? [The exploding remote hits the plane again, explodes, the plane door opens dropping a nuclear bomb, which heads downwards towards Craig's apartment.] Looks like I gotta look up how to survive a nuclear blast. [Leans towards computer]
[Clock wipe to empty apartment. Text onscreen: back to present. Craig walks out of the time travel area]
Alright... replaced the pen. That should solve all our problems. [looks upwards. In the sky, the nuclear bomb is headed his way.] Oh no. Did I grab the wrong pen? [sighs] Alright, fine. Explosion Wednesday is now officially a... [Nuclear explosion and mushroom cloud]
[Wheezy Waiter video game outro]
[Viewer-submitted wink (ding)]
Hey beardlovers. So I learned from my future self and actually grabbed the non-exploding pen this time, so we're all good. If you haven't donated to help end youth homelessness, there's a link in the doobly-doo. We gotta get to ten thousand dollars so that I sleep in an igloo overnight.
Also, two new Driftless Pony Club shows. One in Racine on December 10th and one in Chicago on December 30th. Racine's near Milwaukee. I love you, Milwaukee. It was all jokes.
Wait, so if I stopped the nuclear explosion from happening, why does this video still exist? Time travel's so confusing.
Why I'm Awesome
1. Beard, duh.
2. Lactose tolerant
3. Been to Canada
How to Survive a Nuclear Blast on YouTube