How to Survive a Fall From an Airplane
|"How to Survive a Fall From an Airplane"|
|Original Upload date||September 1st, 2011|
|Intro||Wheezy beard intro|
|Outro||video game outro|
|Wink submitted by||dead3citrus|
[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. [Noise from above. He looks up. In sky above, eagle is flying by and an airplane too.] Ooh airplane! Yay! [A body falls from the airplane. Dramatic music.] Someone's falling from that airplane. How does one survive a fall from an airplane? I'm gonna look it up and let you know after the intro. [leans towards his computer]
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
How to survive the fall from an airplane.
If you're falling from an airplane right now at 35,000 feet and want to survive, I hope you're wearing headphones. The wind is probably quite loud. [yells] HEY! PUT ON YOUR HEADPHONES!
Lucky for you, there's this thing called terminal velocity. It stars James Gandolfini before he was on Sopranos and Charlie Sheen before he went bonkers crazy. It's both fast and fun. [Movie poster for Terminal Velocity] But we don't have time to talk about movies!
Basically, terminal velocity means you will not keep picking up speed. You will max out at 120 miles per hour in about 12 seconds. The same amount of time it takes to fall from Chicago's Sears slash Willis Tower, whatever you wanna call it.
So if you're falling from the plane or the tower, you will hit the ground at the same speed. Unfortunately if you fall from the tower, you won't even have enough time to decide whether to call it Sears or Willis.
If you're falling from a plane at its maximum height, you've got time. About three and a half minutes. The average length of one of my YouTube videos. But not enough time to sign up for health insurance that you will need if you're a US citizen and you survive. So let's just focus on survival.
Oxygen is scarce up there so it's likely that hypoxia set in, and you've been unconscious for the past minute, but you should be coming to now.
And really I've just been stalling up to this point. Hey! WAKE UP!
Hey! Remember? You're falling from a plane, and you're trying to survive. I congratulate you for wanting to live instead of looking at porn.
Now if you're free-falling from a plane, your chances of survival are slim, but I read there are 13 confirmed survivals in this situation. So know that it's possible and that there's a lot to live for. Like delicious falafel sandwiches. [Takes a bite of a falafel sandwich.] Mmm. Mm. This one's spicy.
It's time to take aim.
To increase friction and control, you need to spread your arms and legs, chest downward, arch your back and neck like parachuters do [shows picture] or ballerinas [shows picture of Natalie Portman from Black Swan]. That's from Black Swan. Don't think about that. That's disturbing. But Natalie Portman's another reason to live. Am I right, fellas? Huh? [Raises his eyebrows a few times and they boing.] But she's married and pregnant. Don't think about that either! Think about Scarlett Johansson [picture]. And if you're a lady, Jon Hamm [picture]... I don't know....
Now what to aim for. First, you need to know that water is a bad choice. You hit it just as hard as pavement and then you drown. If water is your only option, just follow the landing steps and then you might survive, but we'll get to that in a second.
Murky swamp water covered in plant life, that's a good option. But watch out for alligators.
Grass, haystacks, bushes, snow... Trees are okay but watch out for stabby branches. If you can land on another plane right below your plane, that's a good option, but I think it's too late for that.
Look for one of those theme parks with a giant drop ride. See if you can land on it mid-ride. And if you survive, you just got into the theme park for free. I think that's the best possible outcome. Especially if they have funnel cake.
Once you've found your landing spot, and even if you didn't now's about the time we have to worry about landing.
Landing is all about protecting the head. It's more important than even the face. Even this gorgeous face. [pointing to himself] It's even a banjo face. [banjo face] It's more important than the beard. Maybe.
Once you're headed towards where you wanna land, you wanna get upright, feet first. Point out the balls of your feet. Bend your knees. You want the initial impact to be on the balls of your feet, but be aware, you will probably bounce, which is why you need to take precautions so that after the bounce, you don't land on your ... [waits for answer from viewer] ... beard. I mean, head.
So you gotta do this. [Interlocks his fingers behind his head] Interlock your fingers. Just below your bald spot. Protect the sides of your head with your arms. If you want, do a banjo face. [Banjo face]
You're gonna need to clench your butt. I don't wanna go into detail as to why. But you do.
If you're landing in water, same foot position, but cover your groin, head slightly back so water doesn't go up your nose. Try to remain conscious when you go in the water. Just try. Look for light or the direction the bubbles are going to find your way to the surface.
Hopefully up until now, this video has distracted you enough to remain calm. Studies have shown that relaxation causes far less severe injury. I have no more instructions for you. You should be in the proper position and all we have to do now is wait. But in order to keep you calm, I shall serenade you with my own rendition of R Kelly.
[starts singing] My mind's telling me no. [Looks up at the camera above him] But my body... my body is telling me yeeees. [A clone lands on the couch.]
Clone? You did not land properly. Thankfully that's a brand new couch. You're not all gonna be that lucky.
[looks at main camera angle again. Clone is still recovering on the couch.] So if you've landed and you're still watching this video, congratulations! You just survived falling from a plane. That's awesome. Could you leave a comment about your experience so others could learn? Oh, you know what? Actually, order a falafel sandwich. You deserve it. I recommend spicy.
[Clone:] Or, you know, call an ambulance?
[Craig:] Shut up! [looks at camera] You might wanna call an ambulance, actually.
[Viewer-submitted outro theme and three winks (ding ding ding)]
[Craig, talking to the clone who's still on the couch:] Why were you on a plane anyway?
[Clone:] I was traveling with the love of my life to Europe.
[Craig:] Oh. You're that Clone in Love who escaped months ago. Love hurts. I hope you learned your lesson.
[Clone in love:] I learned that the door with the big red latch on the plane doesn't lead to the bathroom. Oh, by the way, can I borrow some underwear? Three and a half minutes is a long time to hold it.
How to Survive a Fall From an Airplane on Youtube