[slides in/singing rug]
Beardlovers, sup. Sup. Go on! Sup! [sighs] Sup. [Definition appears onscreen] To eat or drink or engage in eating or drinking by taking small swallows or mouthfuls. And you better sup soon or your food's gonna get cold and I'll have to make an EXPLOSION to make it warm again because it's EXPLOSION Wednesday, which I'm not sure is an official thing yet. Still trying it out. So... sup? No, don't eat. I'm over that. I'm just saying what's up? Ever heard of slang?
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
Speaking of things getting cold, it's friggin' COLD here now. I don't like it! Bbbrrrrrrrrr. Shivers shivers.
It is becoming dangerously unlikely that I will refrain from wearing pants.
[talks like Yoda] Temperature sensitive, my naughty bits are. [talks in his regular voice] I don't know why I did a Yoda impression there at all. I have no idea.
So how do you stay warm when the outside is a hellish, barren, frozen tundra in which not even love can survive?
I'll never let go, Jack. I'll never let go.
She let go. And he went [raspberry] straight to the bottom of the ocean. Dead. Like love in the cold.
That's why Midwesterners are always so nice. They have to overcompensate for when the cold takes the affection away. Am I being overdramatic?
I don't even know anymore. My mind is numb.
Ah crap, the heat just kicked in. It's gonna ruin the sound. Just a second. [gets up] Turn that off. There we go.
So here's some easy ways to stay warm during the months when it's so cold that you question whether we were put on this planet to suffer or to suffer a lot.
If it's Wednesday, I highly recommend EXPLOSIONS. [Text onscreen: *though I am not 100% sure it's a thing.] Ahhh. They are warm. Though they are fleeting, so I recommend using a lot of them. EXPLOSION! [Rubs his hands together] EXPLOSION! EXPLOSION! [Keeps warming his hands by the explosion.] EXPLOSION! EXPLOSION!
If you don't like a lot of explosions because you're a [makes air quotes] "wuss-bag" or "nun" or "war activist hippie," it helps to have a lot of flammable stuff around, because then you only need one explosion. And that explosion can make sweet hot love to the flammable stuff and leave behind its explosion babies. Or fire. Hippies, you have a lot of flammable stuff around. You know what I'm talking about. [holds up fingers near his face like he's holding a joint] Scraggly beards. [Touches his beard instead] You have a lot of scraggly beards. Careful, though. Don't light those on fire. They're on your face.
Another way to stay warm is to watch my videos because I've been told I have a warm personality. [Audience laughs.] AHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Also, I'm really hot. [Audience laughs.] AHAHAHAHAHA!
It's also good to drink a warm beverage. I keep a stockpile. I simply heat up a bunch of glasses of water in the microwave [Craig puts glasses of water in microwave] and then to preserve that heat, I put 'em in the fridge. [Does that.] If you wanna preserve it for a long period of time, put that hot water in the freezer. [Pours water from glass into ice tray and puts it in freezer.] It's also good, because when you grab your hot water from the fridge and you want a little heat boost, you just grab that extra hot water from the freezer. [Adds ice cubes to his glass of water]
And as I always say, there's nothing more comfortable than some warm tears. [Starts crying. Sobs as words fly from his mouth: gah hhuh uh. Sobs.] If you're having trouble bringing the tears, think of something sad. [Cries] She told Jack she'd never let go. [Sobs] She let go. [Sobs.]
Consider a portable space heater. Or in my case, [turns on light saber] a light saber. This thing keeps me warm everywhere I go.
[Walking down sidewalk holding his light saber.] Ahhh. Cozy. Mmm. Ooh, getting a little hot. [Takes off his shirt as he continues down sidewalk.] Ahh. That's better.
[Voice offscreen:] Hey Wheezy.
[Craig:] Oh hey, Carl. [moves light saber slightly as he walks, hitting Carl offscreen]
[Carl:] My arm! [yells in pain] Oh god!
[Craig runs away.]
Where'd I get this anyway? Oh yeah. A few weeks ago I went to Lucasfilm in San Francisco. I bet it's warm there now. It was warm when I went. I got some footage of it. Wanna see?
[Craig poses next to some characters from Star Wars:] Thanks, guys. I love Star Trek. [One of the characters does a double take.]
So do you wanna cut up stuff with a light saber too? Who doesn't, am I right? Am I right? Emma, write! Write something! You're never gonna be an author if you don't write!
Anyway, here's an app you can download called Brisksaber so you can cut stuff up with a light saber. [Craig hits the phone with his light saber] Oh, oh... it's not working! Oh. Don't use a real light saber on it. [Uses his finger]
[Voice from game:] Shiver me timbers!
Don't use a real light saber on it. Use your finger. Oh, this is good fun! All the violence without all the consequences. Link in the doobly-doo to download this.
[talks like Yoda] Hmm. Slice you, I will. [in his regular voice] I'm a dork.
[still playing] I think girls would be really good at this game. I always see 'em using this finger motion at me. [Makes 'no' gesture by wagging his finger back and forth and shakes his head.] No. Get away from me. Creepo.
[Dominos outro can be seen in upper right hand corner as winker plays outro theme and winks (ding)]
[Craig at Lucasfilm] Guys, check it out. This is awesome. [points camera at Yoda figure, then goes past Yoda to film himself in a mirror.] It's me. [smiles at himself in mirror] It's me.
[Craig plays game. Voice from game:] Limbs are popping!
singing rug, beardlovers, Explosion Wednesday, flying-words sob, doobly-doo, "I'm a dork.", wink, outtakes
How to Stay Warm on YouTube