[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. How are you doing? EXPLOSION WEDNEDSDAY! [Explosion. Some stuff is knocked off the shelves by the explosion.] Oh, not my books. I was planning on reading... [laughs] No I wasn't. I'm waiting for the movies to come out.
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
If the book wasn't made into a movie, how am I supposed to picture what things look like? For instance, [holds up book] Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep. It was made into Blade Runner. Harrison Ford played the main character Rick Deckard, so I replace Rick Deckard [writes in the book] with Harrison Ford. And sometimes I'll write "awesome Harrison Ford" to add a little bit... you know... extra awesome. I shoulda been a writer.
I have this other book [holds it up] Star Wars Showdown at Centerpoint. WHAT?! I've heard of A New Hope. James Earl Jones Strikes Back. Return of the Awesome Mark Hamill. But this... this was never a movie! [reading] Han Solo? Who the what?! Is that, like, Hans Gruber, the villain in Die Hard? I don't... [slams book on floor] I don't know. You know what? [leans down and grabs book] I'm throwing you into an explosion. [throws book and it explodes]
There's this book [holds it up] Love in the Time of Cholera. It was made into a movie but that was all Spanishy. How am I gonna relate to that? But someone told me it's all about this guy who's saving himself for one woman but he does ending up sleeping with lots of women. So if I just take the main character, Florentino Ariza, [writes in the book] and replace him with 'awesome Craig who is awesome' and all the female characters with 'Scarlett Johansson, widower of the late Ryan Reynolds who is naked,' then I might actually read this book. Certain scenes anyway. Scarlett Johansson's naked. Not Ryan Reynolds. Well, Ryan Reynolds might be naked too but he's not in this book Anyway, he's dead. Just kidding. He's not dead. But I don't have the internet. So... a man can dream? Not that I would hope anyone was dead.
When you die, would you be buried naked? Maybe I would want to be buried naked. Just kidding. But seriously. What if my clothes went out of style? [looks down at his clothes] Further out of style? What if I died during the Roman empire? You'd think I died at a toga party. What if I died during the Victorian era? You'd think I was in a Charles Dickens movie. Does he write novels too? What if I died in the 90s? You'd think I... [looks at himself again] Never mind. The point is [turns to alternate camera angle. Isn't wearing clothes.] Naked never goes out of style. [looks down] Ooh! [claps hands over his chest] [Turns back to main camera angle, clothed] But you can get arrested for it. I learned that the hard way. I asked a cop. I hate talking to cops.
[Winker:] I love it when the coffee's done. [Wink (ding)] This stuff is strong!
[Wheezy Waiter sunglasses outro]
[Not wearing a shirt again] Actually, my body kinda looks like it belongs in the 70s. I keep picturing hairy Burt Reynolds. Is that weird? Does Scarlett Johansson like Burt Reynolds?
singing rug, beardlovers, Explosion Wednesday, Scarlett Johansson, alternate camera angle, wink
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