[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. Did you know that for every action there's an equal and opposite reaction? [makes smiley face. then a frowny face. then sticks his tongue out. Makes another funny face and talks funny] I'm sticking my tongue really far back in my mouf. [slides to his right out of frame/singing rug]
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
Internet still doesn't work.
As I've mentioned before, I [makes air quotes] "borrow" the internet from my neighbors but when I say [makes air quotes] "borrow" I actually mean borrow. It's true. They gave me the password out of the kindness of their hearts. [picks up gun and spins the chamber] Oops. I didn't mean to grab the gun. Out of the kindness of their butts. [holds up drawing which could be construed to look like a butt with something coming out] Oops, I mean. [turns drawing upside down (or right side up)] hearts. [The drawing is a heart.] I put a flower in the middle of the top of the heart. It just adds extra love.
But apparently they took away the internet out of the hatred of their ... There should be an organ for hate. [draws something. Holds up drawing.] Spleen? Does that look like a spleen? I don't... I don't know. I don't have the internet to look it up. Oh wait, I think I remember. [draws more. Holds up drawing again. The word "spleen" is now written on his former drawing.] Spleen. That's better.
So out of the hatred of their spleens, they took away the internet. Now when I open up my browser, I see this Comcast login page. Let's see what you guys said in the comments.
[shows login page]
Customers writes "I am a customer."
Umm, no you're customers. Plural. More than one. There's a picture of you. You're a woman and a child. This comment must have been written by the child. Children are so stupid. Parents, teach your kids plural. One plus one or more equals some. [sings:] And that's how you make a plural. [hits a key on the toy keyboard]
Actually, if you never learned plural, you'd never know what one is. You'd never be lonely. Like I am without the internet. [fights back tears] Just kidding, guys. I'm fine. Seriously. Don't worry about me. [Holds up notebook on which he's written: Help me!] I'll be fine just talking to these fictional Comcast characters. Happy days!
Customers, just be thankful you're not the technicians. [shows Comcast login page again] Not only are they one dude, but that one dude has a duck's butt haircut with the schwoop in the front, looking like a duck's butt. And he holds his laptop above his lap in his hands. That's gotta be so tiring. Why do you think he holds it like that? Maybe he peed himself. [turns to alternate camera angle] Nobody likes a soggy laptop bottom. [back to main camera angle]
And this concludes all the pictures on my internet. Now we're done. Done with the internet.
So yesterday I heard on NPR... yes, I was listening to NPR... in the car... I wasn't driving very far. And I was talking like Jar Jar. [talks like Jar Jar] Me so driving! [back to his regular voice] I would say. I'm a dork.
Anyway, I learned that film editor Dede Allen died at age 86. First person to ever be credited as a film editor. Her editing of the film Bonnie and Clyde was revolutionary, and she heavily influenced kids with drugs. No. She had a big influence on the way films were edited.
Now, [cut] why is someone like me, [cut] who does all of his videos in one take, [cut] and doesn't do any editing [cut] at [cut] all [cut] even talking about this? [cut] [sighs] It doesn't make much sense. [As he says this, there's a rapidly-edited sequence of him sitting and standing in different positions in his room.]
Rest in peace, Dede Allen.
I think the coffee's done. I love it when the coffee's done! Jump cut! [Craig is now sitting there with his coffee mug. Takes a sip.] I'll be uploading this video as soon as I get to work, and I will be able to read your comments. So even without the internet in my apartment, everything's gonna work out just fine. [holds gun up to his head] I'm pointing a gun at my head, aren't I? I gotta stop picking up that gun. How do I do that? I'm gonna look it up. [starts to turn towards computer but stops himself] Oh that's right. [holds gun up to his head]
[William, the winker:] Hey Wheezy. [feels his clean-shaven face] Hmm. Hang on a sec. [Winks (ding). He now has a beard. Feels his face, smiles, and nods.]
[Wheezy Waiter sunglasses outro]
[singing:] And that's how you make a plural. Plural. And that's how you make a plural. Plural.