How to Live Forever

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"How to Live Forever"
WheezyWaiter video
Episode no. Episode 394
Original Upload date September 21, 2010
Running time 0:03:44
Intro Wheezy beard intro
Outro video game outro
Wink submitted by TofuGuruConfidential
Featured Clones
Episode chronology
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"All Aliens go to Heaven"
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[slides in/singing rug]
[speaks in soft voice] Hello beardlovers. Yesterday's intro was rather harsh so I will ease you in with my soft sweater with argyle patterns, soft focus [adjusts focus so it's softer. Soft music starts playing.], tranquil music. Here, have an RSS feed pillow. Subscribe to rest. Herbal tea? It's a sampler. Perhaps you'd like a cold Pilsner to take the edge off. Not old enough? Here. Have a bowl of water. What's softer than water? Now I will sing you the opera [tranquil music stops as Craig sings opera]
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
Oh my god, this sweater's so hot. [Takes sweater off. Extreme closeup of him breathing in and out] I'm in my button-up now. Everything's gonna be okay.
So yesterday's video ended in the middle of an epic eagle versus whale battle. Here's how it ended.
[Ripple effect to black and white footage labeled "yesterday." Craig is lying on bed, looking down into the whale tank, eating chips. Whale sounds and occasional eagle squawks can be heard.]
Get him, whale! You're winning! Yeah! Stoner Michael Phelps, what are you doing here? [Michael Phelps stoner laugh] And how do you light that thing underwater? [The eagle flies out of the whale tank towards the sky. Michael Phelps stoner laugh. Craig looks down at himself.] And why did I change into tomorrow's clothes?
[Back to present]
Being our national emblem, the eagle has to take regular drug tests. Eagles are squares.
Don't do drugs.
So happy birthday to Walter Breuning who is believed to be the oldest man in the world. What is he, like, 47 or something? [shows article] 114?!! What is this? The 21st century? That some sci-fi *shirt* right there. [looks at his calendar] Oh wait... Hahahahahahahahahaha. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Haha... [coughs] I guess it is the 19th... uh.... whatever century I said... [looks at calendar] 21st century.
So in my quest to become immortal, I've been trying to find the secret to his longevity. First, I decided to look like him. [Puts on big round sunglasses. Tilts his head and makes an expression. Image of Craig dissolves into picture of old guy.]
Then I tried to muster up the resolve and the strength to read something. [shows article] Like this Time Magazine article, which gives you tips on how to live longer. Such as not smoking...
Psh... I do that all the time. Speaking of, it's time for my not smoking break. [Gets up from chair. Sits down at kitchen table. Sighs. Looks around. An open box of Chips Ahoy cookies is on the table.] Hmm. Gotta do something on my break. [Grabs cookies and prepares to eat them. Sees a bottle of olive oil on table.] Hmm. [Picks up bottle and pours olive oil on top of a cookie. Eats it.]
Now that's olive oil. It's more healthy for you than vegetable oil. So...
Ah, the sacrifices we make to stay young.
[shows article] Being extroverted is another one.
[Craig and a clone sit side by side.]
[Craig:] Psh. I'm like Captain Extroverted. Right, clone? [The clone ignores him.] Look at me. Look at me. Listen to me. Listen to me! I'm talking to you! I'm talking to you! I'm talking... I'm trying to express my feelings!! [raises his hand to punch the clone, who's still ignoring him.]
[shows article] Also being easygoing.
[Craig, with his fist raised for punching:] Ahh... [laughs and moves his fist like he's just waving] Hey clone... [the clone is still ignoring him] this is just... uh... [spreads his fingers from a fist into a regular wave] friendly... [makes a fist again and punches the clone] ... you know...
[Clone:] Aaaa! [rubs his face]
[Craig:] ... love tap... with my fist on your face.
[shows article] And staying lean.
I've been taking steps to do that.
{At the kitchen table, Craig pulls a chip from a bag of chips. Then turns and looks at trash behind him. Throws the chip in the trash.] Okay. Now I'm gonna eat this whole *ding*in' bag. [Puts his hand in the bag for more chips]
Craig with a Wig figured out the secret to longevity.
[Craig with a Wig:] Everything I don't want to happen happens. [long pause] I guess I want my theme song to happen. Eh, not anymore.
[Theme song:] He's Craigity Craig, Craig with a Wig. [Craig with a Wig turns his head and smiles.]
[Craig with a Wig:] I don't want the ding to happen. [Toy piano key ding] [Craig with a Wig smiles]
Now if you'll excuse me, I think the vampire blood's done. I love it when the vampire blood's done. Blah.
[Viewer-submitted wink (ding)]
[Wheezy Waiter video game outro]
[Craig's in the kitchen, sipping from his mug:] Mmm. Definitely Team Edward. [Sips again] This could use some olive oil. [Grabs bottle of olive oil and starts twisting the top off.]
[Craig leans back in a kitchen chair with a few chips on his stomach.] Sometimes I like to eat the chips off my body. [Eats a chip] Get them acquainted with the exterior of where they're gonna live.

Recurring elements

singing rug, beardlovers, breathing being his thing, whale tank, eagle, Michael Phelps, headlines, *shirt*, clone, *ding*, Craig with a Wig, wink


This is the first time the Wheezy Waiter video game outro is used. The outro was created by

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External links

How to Live Forever on YouTube