How to Fight the Sun

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"How to Fight the Sun"
WheezyWaiter video
Episode no. Episode 664
Original Upload date July 11, 2012
Running time 0:04:15
Intro Wheezy beard intro
Wink submitted by lostinsubspace09
Episode chronology
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"Wheezycon 2 (Vidcon 2012)"
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Transcript (in progress)

- Don't tell me that's the joke. You're just gonna wheel in and stare at them...
- I was thinking about it, yeah.
- That's unoriginal.
- Nothing's original.
- This is original. I grab the remote and I twirl my leg around like this in a circular motion...
- Okay. That might be original but I think we need something with a little more substance than that.
- Well, yeah. The remote control explodes.
- Oh yeah! That was awesome!
Substance achieved.
- I know. Thank you.
Wheezy Waiter
Alright, listen up, beardlovers. It's Wednesday, Wednesday, Explosion Wednesday. But don't get too attached now because we're not sure if it's a thing. We're gonna test it out for a while and see if we want to make it official.
But I know someone who seems to think that it's a thing. The weather.
I know the weather isn't a person. I was personifying it. It's a literary technique. Just like metaphors.
And plagiarism.
It has been HOT this summer. And I don't mean sexy because of skimpy-clothed girls. I don't even look at them. I wouldn't know. Right, Chyna?
- Right.
- I heard that.
And not just the summer. Apparently this has been the hottest 12 months ever recorded in the United States, according to the National Climatic Data Center. Not the National Climactic Data Center. Their results would tend to leave you more satisfied.
Now who's to blame for this? Well, we gotta go right to the source. The big BANG. Okay, not quite that sourcey. Let's bring it forward a few billion years.
I'm talking about the big explosion in the sky. The daughter. I mean, the sun.
Whoa whoa whoa! You're just gonna have to take some constructive criticism because I'm not gonna stop making this video about you.
The sun and I have a sort of heated past. And tensions tend to flare up sometimes.
Regardless of the underlying cause of this heatwave, we're gonna need to figure out a way to battle the sun.
I found a list of myths about exposure to the sun and I would like to have discussingness with you about them so as your skin doesn't fall off. Such as.
The article was written by Hallie Levine Sklar, which I might call shenanigans on because her last name looks like a combination of Sky and Flare and Star and maybe Scar, which she might be emotionally because of her guilt.
Conspiracy conspiracy. But I'm gonna look past it.
Myth number one is that as long as you don't burn you don't have a risk of melanoma. Well, that's horse pucky! Is that a thing? Horse pucky?
Apparently a tan indicates damage to your skin as well. A burn is worse but a tan is not great either.
Which is why I look like this. Not because I'm ashamed to take my shirt off in public.
Myth number two is that an umbrella blocks the sun. It doesn't block everything. Seventeen percent of UV rays are reflected from the sand.
Which is why I adhere to the rule of fours.
Another myth is that the sun can't penetrate through windows. Of course it can, people. Come on. Don't be dumb. Which is why when I approach windows I try to conceal as much skin as possible. You know, like this.
But be warned. Another side effect of approaching windows is that cops are called sometimes for some reason.
I think I'm gonna leave these sunglasses on for the rest of the video. It looks like I'm ready to party.
Another myth is that if it's cool or cloudy outside, you don't need sunscreen. You need it all the time!
Which is why I have clones constantly supplying sunscreen to my body. There's one applying it to my leg right now. Right, clone? Okay, I know I just made that up and you're not actually there. Just pretend that you're there.
- Right, Craig.
Good. How did I do that?
And another myth is that 80 percent of sun damage occurs before the age of 18.
But recent studies have proven that myth that I just heard about just now reading this article completely wrong. Turning my world upside... the same.
But if you did believe that myth, don't. You get less than 25 percent of your total exposure to the sun before the age 18.
You should always worry about the sun no matter what age you are.
But once you're 18 you should especially be paying attention and putting on sunscreen because your mind's gonna be preoccupied with all the legal smoking and gambling and voting and breaking up with your significant other who you would now be statuatorally coitusing.
Always worry about the sun.
So that's how you physically battle the sun. Here's how you emotionally battle the sun.
You don't own me! Boo! You're not my real mom! Boring! Science has proven that you're not even the center of the galaxy, much less the the universe.
Ooh, look at me. I'm the sun.
And why would we be emotionally battling the sun? You know, take it down a peg. Everyone's all gaga about the sun. Keep it from getting a big head. Because then we'd all melt and die.
And when something tragic happens, don't cry to the heavens. Cry the other way.
Wheezy Waiter
Oh shoot.
Wow. It's a good thing I'm not superstitious.

Recurring elements

[Coming soon]

External links

How to Fight the Sun on YouTube