[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. So today...ay [The video is all jerky and freezy]... There's something with your... vid...e...o. What's... going on here? The video's not really... It's all... it's all jerky...y. What... gotta fix... fix it. EXPLOSION! There you go. Sometimes you gotta loosen up the video gears.
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
So. It's Wednesday Wednesday Explosion Wednesday. [All the explosions happen on Craig's face. After the last one, he wiggles his nose and mouth a little.] That's a new kind of facial. It's good for the pores. It's the hot new thing. [Fire on Craig's cheek] Ooh, blemish! Blemish! [pats out fire] Minor side effect for major beauty.
[Sexy clone enters:] Puhleez. I don't need explosions to be beautiful.
[Craig:] Sexy clone...
[Sexy clone:] Explosions need me. Explosion! [Music plays as his explosion happens]
[Craig:] Even your explosions are sexy.
[Sexy clone:] I know it. [He exits.]
How does he do it? Explosion! Ugh! Ugly! Explosion! Eww! Explosion! A couple beers in me... What am I saying?
In explosion news, gasoline is EXPLODING! That's... that's what it's supposed to do. Prices. Prices. I meant prices... are exploding.
[shows headline] 4 dollar gas is coming to your state. [shows another headline] Gas prices SMASH [cartoon of a car, sound of a car peeling away, a crash and then an explosion] the heartland.
4 dollar gas? That's, like, half as much as all other countries! Or less!
[shows another headline] Gas prices got you ticked off? YES! [shows headline again but zooms in] Ticked off? OH YEAH! [shows headline again but zooms in even more] Off? No. It's ON!
I need to go sit in my recliner because I'm EXPLOSIVELY ANGRY! [Recliner explodes] My anger just destroyed the very thing I needed to alleviate my anger. I'm gonna go recline without it. [Craig reclines standing up. It appears uncomfortable, difficult, and he speaks with some effort.] Ohhh, yeah. Relaxing. Oh, put my feet up. [puts his foot up on stool. Falls over.]
Okay I'm good now. Now I'm good. So good.
A lot of you probably have never driven before. You don't even know how to drive so this doesn't affect you. I'm gonna teach you how to drive so it affects you. I'm gonna give you a step by step lesson because I know how to drive. I'm a smart. [These words appear by Craig's head as he says them: I'm a smart. - Craig Benzine]
Step 1. Walk to your car. [He walks to his car.] Look out for EXPLOSIONS! [He explodes.] Send in another clone. [Another clone walks to the car.]
Step 2. Get in car. [Clone opens car door.] Sometimes I like to whistle while doing so. [Clone whistles.] And do a graceful little back kick. [Clone does a back kick and then gets in the car.]
Step 3. Adjust mirrors. [Clone goes to adjust mirrors but doesn't have to.] If mirrors are already adjusted, then Step 3 is very easy for you. So just smile at yourself. [Clone smiles at himself in rearview mirror.]
[Clone waves at himself.] Hi. [He makes a kissy face to himself in the mirror.]
Step 3a, optional. Buckle your seatbelt. [Clone looks confused] I understand that it's the law but it's also optional. Everything is optional. Some things are illegal, and some things are really gross. [These words appear by Craig's head as he says them: Everything is optional. Some things are illegal, and some things are really gross. - Craig Benzine] You should probably buckle your seatbelt unless you like death. [Clone buckles seatbelt.]
Step 4. Turn on car. [Clone begins rubbing the steering wheel. He licks his finger and touches the steering wheel again.] Start car. Not arouse car. [Clone turns keys in the ignition and motor starts.]
Step 5. Drive. [Clone drives.] Step 5 rhymes. [Craig stares at camera.]
Step 5a. Easy on the gas. [The clone makes a funny expression] or hard [clone makes an intense expression as tires squeal]
Step 6. Watch out for EXPLOSIONS! [Clone dodges an explosion.]
Step 7. Arrive home. [Car pulls into a parking place across the street from a building labeled "Home"]. Or Away [Building next door to "home" is labeled "Away."]
Step 8. Turn off car.
8a, optional. Leave car on. [Clone shrugs, gets out of the car, walks away with the car door open]
Step 9. Get in bed. [Clone gets in bed]
Step 9a, optional. Cry yourself to sleep. [Clone, with a wet face, sobs, then sleeps and snores.]
There. Now you know how to drive. Hehe. Don't! it's expensive. Have you seen gas prices lately?
[Winker brandishes a gun. The eagle enters the frame. Winker shoots, and the eagle explodes. Winker winks (ding)]
[Wheezy Waiter video game outro]
So, that was this week's Explosion Wednesday video... trial. I'm still in beta mode. Testing things out. Seeing if it should be a thing or not. I'm not sure it's ready yet. If ever.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go cry myself to sleep. What do you do to fall asleep? Let me know in the comments, because crying is good and all, but salt water starts to ruin the pillowcase after a while. [Starts crying, gets up and throws himself into bed. Cries, then sleeps and snores.]
singing rug, beardlovers, Explosion Wednesday, Sexy clone, headlines, Craig quotes, clone, wink
How to Drive on YouTube