How to Balance

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"How to Balance"
WheezyWaiter video
Episode no. Episode 629
Original Upload date March 20, 2012
Running time 0:03:57
Intro Wheezy beard intro
Wink submitted by tasteslikepaintnwood
Featured Clones
Episode chronology
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"The Joy of Being Upright"
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"World Water Day"



Hey beardlovers. Did you know that I'm super balancey? Check it out. I'm about to razzle dazzle you. Here goes. [Racks focus, then walks to in front of bookshelf so we can see his whole body, extends his arms to his sides.] Ready? One leg. [Lifts one leg so he's standing only on one leg.] Aww yeah. You're not impressed? Alright, fine. No legs. [Lifts his other leg so he's not standing on his legs.] There you go. Yeah. You're still not impressed? This is actually impossible. How can you not be impressed by this? Okay, fine. No head. [Popping sound as his head disappears] Now I bet you're impressed. I'm not sure, though. I don't have eyes so I can't see you. I guess I'll just assume. But I can't really assume either, 'cause I don't have a brain.
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
Balance. Today's video's about balance. Life is about balance. Balance balance balance.
I've said balance too much. Unbalance unbalance. That evened it out a little.
So I'm a Libra. The scales. Which means I'm all about fairness and balance and equality.
But I don't buy into all that astrology bullcrap.
I don't wanna write it off completely. It's got good qualities. Maybe I buy into it about 50 percent.
Why am I so wishy-washy? I hate it! But it's also useful, like, half the time.
In life, you should
always strive for balance.
Not all the time.
In moderation.
Not too much moderation.
Not not enough moderation.
But don't think about it too much. Or not enough.
Sometimes I stand like this. [Juts out his hip to his right with his hand on his right hip.] And sometimes I stand like this. [Juts out his hip to his left and puts his hand on his hip.]
If I didn't worry about balance, things could be...
[standing in darkness] too dark.
[Now very bright] That's too bright.
[Shouting] TOO LOUD!
[Quiet Clone:] Too quiet.
[Craig walks into frame as Quiet Clone leaves:] Thank you, Quiet Clone. [Gets very close to camera] Too close.
[Shot of Craig's empty apartment. Arrow and words "Too Far" as arrow points to window, through which we can see Craig on the far sidewalk outside jumping up and down.]
[Sped up footage of Craig running around. His voice is sped up too:] Too fast.
[Slowed-down footage of Craig jumping. His voice is slowed down too:] Tooooo sloooooow.
[points to himself] Too beautiful. That's just something I can't control, guys. We're just gonna have to live with that imbalance.
[singing] Too vibrato.
Too monotone.
Too passionate.
Not enough emotion.
[Four Craigs:] Too many.
[No Craigs] Too few.
[Craig, wearing different clothes, opens fridge. Text onscreen: Tomorrow. He turns to camera:] Too late.
[Picture of Craig as a toddler. Text onscreen: 28 years ago] Too early.
Too sarcastic. Yeah.
Listen up. Alright, look at me, okay? Look at me. How do I say this? Too... genuine. I mean it.
[painting of a landscape] Too boring.
[picture of an apartment] Too post-modern.
[painting of a collection of paintings and figures] Whoa. Too Flemish baroque.
Too many examples.
Okay, you get it. Balance makes your life not not good. So balance it!
[Speech impediment guy:] Wheezy Waitoe, pwease instwuct yoes twuwy with ways to cweate a bawanced wife, pwease.
Well, to balance your life, maybe you need to find ways to measure your life.
Traditional ways include weighing yourself. [Craig steps on a scale.]
Timing yourself. [Times himself running]
Weighing your timing. [Puts timer on scale.]
Counting calories. [Eats while counting using his fingers]
Counting your money. [Counts out money]
Timing your money. [Starts timer with his money sitting in front of him. Waits.] Is something supposed to happen?
Counting your girlfriends. Weighing your girlfriends.
But we live in an age of increasing complexity, filled with distraction from the internet. [Footage of a big hall with people walking through it.] I just went to South by Southwest Interactive, and it shows how crazy our internet age is. Pause. I'm in this shot. Can you find me? I'll put the image up on wheezywaiter dot com.
The place was crazy. People walking here and there. Check out my website. Find me on Facebook. Facebook me on Find, which is my website.
But luckily everything we do on the internet can be easily measured, because everything that we do is written down by a team of monkeys. I think that's how the internet works.
[A clone leans out of the bathroom:] That's not how the internet works.
[Craig:] What?
[Clone:] You're an idiot.
[Craig:] What?
There is a tool out there that can help you measure everything that you say on the internet called What About Me?
You can plug it into your Twitter, YouTube, and Facebook, and it will track what you say. I'm plugging it into my Twitter and my Foodboo... my Facebook and my... my FoodTube... YouTube right now. [Eats] Mmm. Let's see what it says.
Oops. Got some crumbs on the Ultrabook. [Wipes crumbs off Ultrabook and into his mouth]
[Still eating] Alright, it's almost done. It's probably gonna say I talk about fashion. I'm kind of a fashion nut. Mmm. Peanuts.
What? Food? [Shows the breakdown of topics, the largest one is food.] That can't be right.
[Clone comes out of the bathroom:] It is right. All you do is eat.
[Craig:] That's just a figment of your imagi... Mmm. Figs.
[Clone:] It's like you and food have a special bond.
[Craig:] Mmm. Bon bons.
[Clone, heading back to the bathroom:] It's taking over your mind.
[Craig:] Mmm. It's.
[Clone:] It's? That's just a word.
[Craig:] I'm imagining it spelled out on a cake.
[Clone:] Oh. [walks back into bathroom]
[Craig, still imagining:] Oh.
[Wheezy Waiter outro]
[Viewer-submitted wink (ding)]
So if you wanna measure the things you say online and make your life not not good, go to whataboutme dot intel dot com.
And I'm still asking you to make thumbnails. Make a thumbnail for this video and post it on my Facebook page, linked in the doobly-doo.
And let's achieve some balance down there. Click Like on this video and then leave a negative comment, because I don't wanna feel too good about it. Yay! [Sobs. As he sobs, words fly from his mouth: gah hhuh uh ah huhhhhh hhhhh]

Recurring elements

beardlovers, Quiet clone, clone, Speech impediment guy, wink, doobly-doo, flying-words sob

External links

How to Balance on YouTube