[Angelic music] [Craig slides into frame, surrounded on all sides by white.]
If you're watching this video, that means I'm dead.
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
[Still surrounded by white]
Hahaha... Whoa! That intro probably freaked you out. I should clarify. If you're watching this on May 18th 2010, I'm not dead. I just uploaded the video. Unless I die after I upload the video today. But I probably won't. I'm very careful. And I know martial arts. And I watch a lot of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. And I play a lot of violent video games. I don't know martial arts yet, though. Did I say I knew martial arts?
Tell you what. God, if I'm gonna die today, gimme a sign. Am I gonna die today? [A note appears beside Craig's head. It reads: Dear Craig, Yes. Regards, God] Oh. That... that could mean anything. I ask him a lot of questions. That could mean I'm right about how Lost ends.
So why am I making this video? I want to play this video at my funeral. So if you're at my funeral right now, I'm sorry I kinda just babbled on there for a little bit. I just want everyone at my funeral to know... it's okay to cry. A lot. Go ahead. Turn on the waterworks. Unless you're happy that I died. If you're happy that I died, and you're at my funeral, could you raise your hand, please? Okay, all those that are unhappy that I died, could you... look at those that are raising their hands, punch 'em in the face! Just punch 'em! Go ahead. Battle it out. I'll give you some time. [long pause, nods] Whoa! Good one, Mom! Unless you're already dead.
Any one of my relatives who are already dead, my mom, dad, sister, aunts, uncles, I bet we're doing something right now in the afterlife, if it exists... uh... because of my arrival. Maybe we're bowling. Uh, perhaps we're... bowling. Yeah, bowling. Let's go bowling.
To those of you who are still at the funeral, I want to say a few more things. As you know, I... uh... I've been in a rock band called Driftless Pony Club for a while. And uh, we're selling merch. Right over there. [points] Right... right... at the table right next to the priest there. In fact, priest, could you man the merch table for me? We got CDs and t-shirts and stuff. Yeah, that's great. If you don't have money, I'll put a link in the doobly-doo and right on my coffin. Um... and could you just throw the money right into my coffin when we're done here? Thanks. Okay.
To my wife and kids, um, I love you. If you exist. Unless you're just using me for inheritance money. Then I hate you. I don't know you yet. It's hard to say. And to the rest of you, I will now leave you with a signature I use to end my videos. A wink. [Winks (ding)] And a song, which I think expresses how we're all feeling here. [clears throat] About me. [sings] And I...eee.... I will al... fade out fade out... always love you...oo-oo... I... fade out a little faster... will always love oooooo. Goodbye! [fades out]
[Wheezy Waiter sunglasses outro. As it finishes, it ascends to heaven.]
[slides in/singing rug] Oh, one more thing. Is the coffee done yet? If so, could someone pour it into my coffin and then everyone say "I love it when the coffee's done"? Cause that's sort of my signature phrase right now. Coffee... coffin... coff... I'll be drinking coffin coffee in my coffee coffin. Or something. Whatever. Alright, video's over. Cue pole dancers! [points to both sides of the screen] This is your cue, girls. Come on. Just like in rehearsal.