History 101

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"History 101"
WheezyWaiter video
Episode no. Episode 451
Original Upload date January 18, 2011
Running time 0:03:31
Intro Wheezy beard intro
Outro video game outro
Wink submitted by HeySticks
Featured Clones
Episode chronology
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"How to do the Dishes"
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"The Poe Toaster"



[doing something on a pad of paper, singing:] Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty... [looks up] Oh hey beardlovers. You caught me in the middle of recreating a Sunday on La Grand Jatte by Georges-Pierre Seurat. [holds up painting] It's a type of pointilism where you make tiny little dots throughout and eventually it creates an image [while drawing a dot, Craig accidentally drags his pen across the painting, drawing a long line on the painting] Oh crap! [tears it in half, throws it down]
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
[Craig is not in frame. Can hear him crying. Then he clears his throat. slides into frame/singing rug. Has tissue stuck to his cheeks.] Hey beardlovers. Don't worry about that painting. It's no big deal. It only took me like five... six... thirteen days to make. Is there crying tissue on my face? [wipes it off] I guess it's not crying tissue. It's just tissue. Tissue doesn't know my sadness.
So there's an article on CNN dot com about how kids stink at history. Pfft. Who the butt cares? The best way to learn is to do, right? Why waste my time learning from the horrible mistakes we've made in the past when I can go out and make them myself?
Lately I've been thinking about investing in some mortgage-backed securities. I'm also strongly considering placing a ban on alcohol. Outlaw things you think are bad. People forget good times were had. And I think there's too many safety regulations on nuclear power plants. What could go wrong? And I think I'll continue to appease ruthless dictatorships with racial purity undertones. Keep your friends close but keep your enemies rich. And happy. I'm definitely for taxation as long as it's without representation. Give me liberty or give me a sandwich. There's nothing to fear but those that are different than me. And witches. A house divided against itself is a duplex. I think I'll do just fine.
Now I might be wrong about some of those things but I'm just gonna have to get out there and learn that myself. Actually, the only history the kids are gonna need to study is the history of Wheezy Waiter videos. [smiles. His smile dings as it glints] [ka-ching sounds as dollar signs replace his eyes]
So in other news... [A clone interrupts from the kitchen.]
[Clone:] Hey! The coffee's done!
The coffee's done? I love it when the coffee's done! I had a clone make the coffee for me today because I'm super lazy. So lazy, in fact, that I had my arm elasticized. Stretch to the coffee. [Craig stretches his arm. Stretchy arm heads for the television] Wrong way! [Hand on stretchy arm opens the window, opens screen, hand sticks itself outside screen] Where are you going? [Stretchy arm moves down the sidewalk, past cars, up to a very pointy fence, grabs top of fence.] Ow ow ow ow [Stretchy arm begins to enter an alley] Don't go into dark alleys! [Strechy arm moves down alley] [A voice can be heard.]
[Voice:] I have a gun. Give me all your money.
Run run!
[Hand on stretchy arm opens the door to Craig's apartment, grabs cup of coffee off the table, arm makes a snapping sound as it stops stretching]
Got it. [Craig sips coffee] Wow, this is delicious. Doesn't have that petting zoo flavor at all like mine usually does. Clone, I'd spare your life but now caffeine is fueling my lust for ruthless power so gotta get to the alligator pit.
[Clone jumps into the alligator pit. As he falls, the clone yells out:] You will regret this!
That sounds ominous.
[Winker winks may times {many dings)]
[Wheezy Waiter video game outro]
Hello again. So many of you may know I'm in a web series called Platoon of Power Squadron. Right there. Go check it out. I shoot lightning out of my hands. It's wonderful. Up until now, episodes have come out very infrequently. That's because there's one guy doing all the work and nobody is getting paid. Well now they have a plan where you can donate to the show and help speed up production because then they can pay people. It's at Kickstarter. Follow the link in the doobly-doo where you can donate and also watch a video where Jake explains everything. Jake's the creator of the show. Jake also made out with Heath Ledger a lot in the mountains as a cowboy but that's a different Jake. Please go there and help donate. Please, if you'd like to, and if you've never seen the show, go watch it. It's good. There's four episodes. It's been in production for like two years.
And learn your history, kids. And then make videos and put them on YouTube so I can watch people tell me about history instead of reading because reading is way too thinky for me.

Recurring elements

101 videos, singing rug, beardlovers, headlines, dinging glinting smile, clone, "I love it when the coffee's done!", stretchy arm, alligator pit, wink, Platoon of Power Squadron

Related videos

Handstand 77

External links

History 101 on YouTube