[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. [Foghorn sound and the image turns green.] Eww, forgot to brush my teeth. Breath's a little nasty today. A little bit nasty. [Brushes his teeth] Just a second. [Brushes.] Gotta spit, gotta spit. [Image isn't green anymore.]
That's better. [Banjo face. As he smiles, a bright light emanates and angelic music plays and the image turns white.] Oop, too much. Undo! [Holds up a cookie. Eats it. Image goes back to normal.] There we go.
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
Hey let's see what's in the news.
[A jingle plays with music from toy piano. Craig dances in his char:] News news news news, time for news.
Sorry about that song.
So my team of journalists worked very hard and dug up these stories for today. By journalists, I mean my eyes and my brain and my click finger and my cursor moving hand. I should have a Pulitzer.
[shows article] CNN took a look at the living room of the future at the Custom Electronic Design and Installation Association's annual expo. TV screens will be measured in yards, music will be ear-bustingly loud and chairs will shake to the tune of both.
Pffffffft! Duh. Aaagh. I'm way ahead of 'em. In my apartment, the future is now. Sure, I have some antiques. Like that tiny black box over there they used to call a TV. That's just an art installation. Only one of its kind. At least that's what that kid said who sold it to me. It only cost about 4 million. Support the arts.
I have some more antiques over there. [points to his bookshelf] I believe they used to call them cooks. Looks. Books. Nooks. Rooks. Crooks. One of those is probably right. They used to use 'em to read. [Reading. Rubs his finger along the page. Does it again.] It doesn't scroll! Shortest novel ever.
Anyway, the future is here right now in my apartment. I have constructed the most modern entertainment system in history ever. I have a seven yard dropdown television right behind this camera on this wall. [Light changes from blue to red to blue. TV must be on.] Wow. All the celebrities are double my size. Oh no, not Elijah Wood. He's still smaller than me. Even in closeup. How does that work?
The expo demoed speakers that were [shows article] slap-you-in-the-face loud.
Alright. Let's play some of my band Driftless Pony Club's music. Ready, go. [As Driftless Pony Club's music plays, Craig gets punched from both sides of the screen.]
The future rocks.
[shows article again] In the article, CNN asks what do you think of this luxurious future? Let's let them know. Tweet this. [shows a tweet] hey at cnntech, CEDIA's future is at wheezywaiter's past. get with the times. hashtag wheezytech.
In other news, [shows article] Australian officials on hunt for whale rider.
Whaaaat? That's ridiculous. Whales are giant teddy bears. I have a whale right behind me in my whale tank. [whale sounds] What's that, whale? You agree with Mike Shephard, [shows article] a district manager for the Australian Department of Environment and Conservation, that if you are in the way of a tail slap or when it breaches, you are unlikely to survive?
That's whale crap, whale. I could take you any day. Let's go! Fist dive! [Dives into whale tank. Occasionally we see him come out of whale tank, brandishing his fist before submerging again. Whale sounds and fisticuffs are heard.] Mike Shephard was so right about this. Aaaagh!
[Viewer-submitted wink (ding) and wink (ding)]
[Wheezy Waiter video game outro]
[Craig is propelled from the whale tank up into the air, where the eagle is flying over. The eagle hits Craig in the head. Craig flies backwards. Greg Benson is sitting in a cafe, chewing on a small cookie on a straw. Craig lands on a chair opposite him.]
[Greg:] Oh! Hey, you're right on time!
[Craig:] What is this?
[Greg:] Our meeting. For the collab video we're doing.
[Craig:] Oh yeah, Greg Benson! Mediocre Films. You're a YouTube sensation.
[Greg shrugs bashfully.]
[The eagle flies overhead and poops. Greg looks down at the table.]
[Greg:] Whaaa.... ?
[Craig looks up and then back to Greg:] Eagle poop. Don't worry about it. It's high in protein.
[Greg looks confused and disgusted.]
[Craig:] It's high in protein!!!
[Greg shrinks back a little:] Okay. Sorry. [Greg eats his sandwich.] Oh you're right. Eagle poop is delicious.
singing rug, beardlovers, banjo face, headlines, Driftless Pony Club (DPC), whale tank, wink, eagle
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