[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. I have a lot of hidden talents. Didn't know that? 'Cause that's... 'cause... 'cause they're hidden, dinkus!
Some of my talents are very hidden, like drawing. I still haven't found that one. [Holds up drawing of a cat.] The head's not even attached.
One thing I'm really good at is harmonizing. Check it out. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. [Two clones lean into frame while Craig is holding the note. When he finishes, they speak.]
[Clone on the right:] Amazing!
[Clone on the left:] That totally would have harmonized with someone else's singing perfectly. In theory.
[Craig:] You guys could sing this time. Aaaaaaaaaaaa.
[Again, the clones don't sing. They back out of frame.]
[Clone on the left:] Not enough vibrato.
[Clone on the right:] I would do B flat.
[Craig stops singing:] I could do B flat.
[Clone on the right, out of frame:] Talk to my agent.
[Craig:] I don't even have an agent.
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
So another one of my talents is to be able to read and understand most of the words of a news story headline.
Apparently Google has changed the way their privacy works. And you know what? That don't bother me none at all. We're living in an increasingly shared and open world, and I don't think that... [Craig starts scratching his head while talking. His phone chirps.] Wait, hang on a second. [Looks down at his phone, where this is an advertisement.]
[Voice comes from the ad:] Head itches? Try Noggin Cream. So your thoughts don't have to start from scratch.
Okay. That was a bit weird. I don't understand how... [His phone chirps again. He looks at his phone where another ad appears.]
[Voice from ad:] Haven't blinked in a while? Download Blinky Blink for blink reminders every minute for the blink deficient.
No. I'm fine. I blink. I was just a bit shocked from the intrusive ad.
[A chirping sound is heard as an ad appears onscreen for Shocks & Struts at GARY'S because bumpin' should stay in the bedroom.]
Oh... oh god! That's out of thin air. How is that possible?
So there's this video out now about these people saying a word to this girl, and she says it backwards to them within three seconds. Seriously, it's amazing. She even does kaleidoscope, like, immediately.
Link in the oodylbood for that video. Haha! See what I did there? I also did it with 'did.'
That reminds me of another talent of mine. If you say any word to me at all... doesn't matter what word it is, I will say it back to you. Observe.
[Craig:] I'll have to get back to you on that one.
[Craig:] Civic. Oh, I said that backwards.
I cut the rest of that out. We didn't realize what was going on until longer than I care to admit. In fact, we never realized it. I passed out. And I still don't know what was going on. I'm really drunk.
Another talented person in the news...
[shows headline] Barefoot Bandit sentenced to blah blah prison. [Headline reads: 'Barefoot Bandit' sentenced to six-and-a-half years in prison]
This guy led the police on a two-year manhunt and pleaded guilty to tons of burglaries and stealing an airplane and piloting it without a license. He probably shoulda stole a license first. Maybe a license to steal as well. 'Cause then we wouldn't be in this mess.
He often did all of this both shoeless and barefoot. I like that. The guy's got his own style.
If I were an evil criminal, I'd want my own style too. How about the Bare Hand Bandit? No. 'Cause germs.
Bad Bandit. I just get caught all the time.
I could rob from rock bands. I could be the Bandit.
I could be the Reverse Bandit. Embezzle money from myself into charity.
Or I could be the Global Bandit. I could work for Wall Street. [Audience laughs.] Ohhhhh! Haha! Thank you. Thank you. I appreciate it. [They continue laughing and begin to applaud.] I don't appreciate the state of our economy, but I appreciate the applause. Thank you.
So there's lots of different options if you wanna be a bandit. [A chirping sound is heard while an ad appears on screen: Band-Aids waaay better than friggin' gauze.] No, I said 'bandit.' [Another ad appears: Enunciation: a 25 step course. Sign up TODAY! Because you're not as dumb as you sound.] God, shut up! [Another ad appears for earplugs. If you can't shut 'em up, plug 'em up.] Augh! [He scratches his head. The ad for Noggin Cream appears onscreen.]
[Wheezy Waiter outro]
[Viewer-submitted wink (ding)]
So listen, beardlovers. A couple weekends ago my band Driftless Pony Club played a couple shows, and I forgot to show you the audiences. So here's Madison. [Madison audience cheers, waves. Some nerdfighter salutes are thrown.] And here's Marquette. [Marquette audience cheers and waves.] Thanks everyone for showing up. I'm amazed anyone showed up in Marquette at all since the roads were super duper icy. Here's me exampling the crap out of it. [Craig slides down a very icy sidewalk, from two angles.] Woo hoo hoo!
Head itches? Try Noggin Cream... Head itches? Try Noggin Cream so your thoughts don't have to start from scratch. I just had one of those moments where you retrace every step through your life to figure out how you got to this point. Yeah. My life is... interesting.
singing rug, beardlovers, clone, headlines, wink, Driftless Pony Club (DPC), outtakes
Hidden Talents on YouTube