[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. So you know when people meet me in person, they think I'm a lot taller. That's because I'm usually crouching in my videos. Here, I'll stand up fully for you. [Stands up fully, which also looks curiously like he's standing on his desk.] Ouch! Forgot to remove my ceiling.
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
[Aims remote at the ceiling] Ceiling open. Ahh, fresh air. [The eagle flies overhead, squawks, and poops. The poop lands in Craig's mouth.] Augh, that's right. It's poopin' season. I'm closing it. [Aims remote at ceiling and clicks. The TV comes on.] Oh no, that's the Home Shopping Network. Okay. [Clicks remote again. TV channel changes to a picture of Scarlett Johansson.] Hehe. That's weird. Why would anyone program an entire channel for a still image of Scarlett Johansson to look at for hours on end? [Stares at TV for a few moments. Snaps out of it.] Alright, I'm closing it. [Aims remote at ceiling and presses it again. TV goes off.] There we go.
So it's October 13th. Happy Fontanalia! Why am I greeted with silence? You don't know what Fontanalia is? I'm making a video and you're not actually here? Those are not acceptable excuses!
Fontanalia celebrates the Roman god of wells and springs. Fontus. [shows Wikipedia page] Or Fons. [picture of The Fonz. Craig points both forefingers at the camera.] Aaay. [Text onscreen: So I point my fingers. Deal with it.]
Wait a second. [shows Wikipedia page again] In ancient Roman religion? Agh! The ends of sentences first I gotta stop saying.
So it's ancient now. We're not in the Roman Empire anymore. Et tu, Brute.
But I still think it's important that we celebrate our sources of water as The Fonz would like us to. Sure, ancient Roman wells had nudity. [picture of an ancient Roman well with nudity] on them but nudity's not the only motivator. [These words appear beside him onscreen as he says them: Nudity's not the only motivator. - Craig Benzine]
I think it's important that we remember where our water comes from and give it the proper respect it deserves.
[Craig points both forefingers at a faucet.] Aaaay. [He finger-points at the open dishwasher.] Aaaaay. [Text onscreen: *I forgot that the Fonz didn't finger point. I'm not a Happy Days connoisseur. Gimmee a break. I'm just one man trying to make it in this crazy world.] [Craig finger-points at the washing machine?] Aaaay. No, that's the dryer. [Finger-points at his washing machine] Aaaay. [Finger-points at the showerhead.] Aaaay. [Finger-points at the bathtub faucet.] Aaaay. [Finger-points at the bathroom sink faucet.] Aaaay. [Finger-points at the toilet.] Aaaay. [Raises the toilet lid and closes the door.] [Finger-points at a hydrant on the sidewalk.] Aaaay. [Points upwards] Aaay. To the sky for when you rain. [Points at the gutter.] Aaay. For when you're a puddle and I'm homeless. [Back in his apartment, points at himself.] Aaay. For when it's absolutely necessary to convert urine into water in an emergency or due to dwindling global supply in the future.
You know who else deserves respect? Ty the regular guy. The plot is starting to take over so I'm gonna give you a quick recap of the story so far followed by the next episode.
[Clips from previous Ty the Regular episodes play as Craig recaps what's happened so far.] It appeared that Ty was just a regular guy and then he killed a racist and then was on the run from the cops. He hid out in Wheezy Waiter's apartment for a few weeks until Detective Jack Travis showed up looking for him so he shot him and ran... well, walked away. Jack woke up! Since then, Ty's been slowly, nonchalantly making his getaway through the city. He just sat down for lunch when he saw Detective Jack Travis hot on his trail! Now for the next episode of Ty the Regular Guy in which we flash back to what happened to Jack Travis.
[Ty stands on the sidewalk and yells to the camera. Music plays and titles appear as he speaks:] Hi. I'm Ty. I'm just a regular guy.
[Title: What Happened to Jack Travis? (part 1)] [Music starts.]
[Detective Jack Travis' eyes pop open after being shot. He runs and leaps down the stairs. Extreme closeup of his mouth:] Ty. [He jumps and rolls to the top of the flight of stairs. Gets up and starts running down the stairs. Steps on one of his untied shoelaces. Stumbles and falls down the stairs. His glasses fly off. He lies motionless.]
[Closeup of Ty. Music plays and titles appear as he speaks:] I'm just a regular guy.
[Wheezy Waiter video game outro]
[Viewer-submitted wink (ding)]
Well, that's it for the video today. Thanks for watching.
[A clone dressed like a Jedi emerges from the cloning area.]
[Jedii clone waves his hand and speaks:] You will tell them about Moves Like Jabba.
[Craig, clearly influenced now by Jedi mind trick, speaks:] I will tell them about Moves Like Jabba. [A box pops up onscreen with footage from Moves Like Jabba playing in it.]
[Jedi clone waves his hand:] A hilarious music video you got to play a Jedi in.
[Craig repeats robotically:] A hilarious music video I got to play a Jedi in.
[Text appears in corner of screen: It may look like I'm reading. NO! It's the Jedi mind trick eye wiggle - a common side effect.]
[Jedi clone waves his hand:] Link in the doobly-doo and annotated at the end of this video.
[Craig repeats:] Link in the doobly-doo and annotated at the end of this video.
[Jedi clone waves his hand:] Now I will jump into the alligator pit.
[Craig repeats:] Now you will jump in the alligator pit.
[Jedi clone:] No! I! I meant... [jumps into the alligator pit and yells while he's falling]
[Craig:] Oh no! You! I meant... [yells as if he's falling into the alligator pit]
[Jedi clone:] Oh god! Don't eat me!
[Craig:] Oh god! Don't eat me! [Craig snaps out of it] What happened?
singing rug, beardlovers, removable roof, eagle, Scarlett Johansson, Wikipedia, Craig quotes, Ty the Regular Guy, wink, Obi Wan Kenobi clone, doobly-doo, alligator pit
Ty the Regular Guy - Episode 23: What Happened to Jack Travis? (part 1)
Happy Fontanalia Day on YouTube
Moves Like Jabba - (Maroon 5 - Moves Like Jagger PARODY!)
Ty the Regular Guy on Facebook