[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. My date never called me back last night. I guess it didn't work out. Forever alone! [Banjo face] [Sobs. Words fly from his mouth: gah hhuh uh] [Sad face/sad music] [Slowly, clones begin appearing everywhere, all looking at him - the first one leans in from left of frame near the top, then one peeks over the couch, one comes out of the bathroom, another leans in from right of the frame, another one peeks out from behind the couch, one clone comes out of the kitchen to watch him, and another enters the frame in the lower lefthand corner. After a few moments of sad face/sad music, Craig speaks:] What'd I say about watching me cry, guys? Back to your chores! And then to the alligator pit! [sad face/sad music] [The clone in the kitchen goes back to doing chores, the rest of the clones leave the frame. Craig says tearfully:] So lonely.
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
[Sad face/sad music stops] Why am I so sad? Life on this planet ain't so bad. [text onscreen: unintentional rhyme] I have all of you wonderful people. Let's see what's going on in the news on our wonderful planet.
[shows article] Planet confirmed that could have water.
[reads from article] Kepler-22b is the first confirmed planet in the "habitable zone," the area around a star where a planet could exist with liquid water on its surface.
I'm so there! I'm sick of this planet! We can't even [shows another article] award Bradley Cooper 'Sexiest Man Alive' without backlash.
Well, on old Keppel, which is now the nickname of Kepler 22-b, I'll be the sexiest man on the planet. And there won't be any backlash. Unless I request it. [raises his eyebrows, which boing. Sound of a whip.]
I'll use my new space rocket I've been inventing. Where is this planet?
[reads from article] It is located about 600 light years away.
Aw, man. So far my rocket only goes 300 light years an hour. That's two hours! Why do habitable planets always have to be so prohibitively distant? [These words appear onscreen as he says them: Why do habitable planets always have to be so prohibitively distant. -Craig Benzine]
[gasps] I can watch a movie on my phone. Let's see. What do I watch? This'll be the last bit of earthly culture I take in before I step foot on another planet. How about Twilight Breaking Dawn. Part One. I only choose that movie because it's the current top-grossing movie at the box office. I've never actually even seen a Twilight movie... for the seventh time. There. Now I've got a movie to watch. This trip should be a piece of cake. Or should I say beefcake? [posters of Edward and Jacob appear onscreen] [Craig raises his eyebrows, which boing.] Why do I say these things when I'm straight?
But the runtime is only 117 minutes. What do I do for the last 3 minutes? Ooh, I could watch Wheezy Waiter. Love Wheezy Waiter! [mimics Wheezy Waiter] 'Hey beardlovers' and all that. I prefer the old stuff, though.
What should I take with me? What's the weather gonna be like up there? 72 degrees fahrenheit?
[sitting on floor in front of open suitcase] Guess I won't need clothes. [throws clothes out of the suitcase] Probably some cookies, some coffee... [drops cookies and coffee into his suitcase], a picture of me eating cookies and drinking coffee like I used to back when I wore clothes. [closeup of picture of him eating Oreos and holding coffee mug.] A megaphone so I can get any potential aliens to [talks into megaphone, which amplifies his voice:] Worship me. A pile of money so I can finally make it rain without having to go back and pick all the money up afterwards. [Makes it rain and then starts picking all the bills up]
Well, that about does it. Zippity zip, let's take a trip. [zips his suitcase closed] I am such a dork!
Always gotta check space news before you space travel. [These words appear onscreen as he says them: Always gotta check space news before you space travel. -Craig Benzine]
[shows article] Two black holes most massive ever found, astronomers say.
Bah! Can't be that big.
[reads from article] The mass of each is about 10 billion times the mass of our sun.
Uhhh... Maybe I can avoid them if I get close.
[reads from article] Up close, black holes will be invisible to the eye.
Oh! So I run into a few. No biggie.
[reads from article] If you were to fall into a black hole, the difference between the gravity near your feet and near your head would be so powerful that you'd be torn apart.
Heh. Ahhh, well, that's only two black holes. The universe is a big place.
[reads from article] We should continue observing to see if these black holes are the biggest or if they're just the tip of the iceberg.
Iceberg? [looks freaked] Iceberg sank the Titanic. I'll never be king of the world. Unless they're referring to iceberg lettuce. Then I'd be okay. But I almost never order salad.
[Unzips suitcase] Maybe I'll just stay home and watch Twilight. Ooh, cookie. [takes cookie from his bag and eats it] Mmm. [Makes it rain with money from his bag. Starts picking up all the bills.]
[Wheezy Waiter shadow outro with new outro theme of Craig (or Revenge Clone) singing outro theme in a silly voice:] Wheezy Waiter. [in different voice:] I miss the old outro.
[Viewer-submitted wink (ding)]
Since I'm sticking around, let's try to make this planet a little better. Donate to dowhateverittakes dot orb. Orb? Sorry, guess I was thinking about planets. dowhateverittakes dot org to help end youth homelessness. I have cookies on my lips. [wipes lips] Gross. We have 8 days left to meet our goal and less than 2000 dollars to go. And then if we get the goal, I will build an igloo in my parents' backyard and sleep in it overnight and broadcast the whole thing live. Also, my band is playing on Saturday the 10th in Racine, Wisconsin. Info in the doobly-doo. My band would've been pretty upset if I left the planet before our show. I'm just kidding. I never woulda left. [Makes a face like he doesn't mean it.]
singing rug, beardlovers, banjo face, flying-words sob, sad face, clone, alligator pit, headlines, boinging eyebrows, Craig quotes, "I'm a dork.", wink, Driftless Pony Club (DPC), doobly-doo
Habitable Planet Discovered? on YouTube