Ground Clonetrol

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"Ground Clonetrol"
WheezyWaiter video
Episode no. Episode 642
Original Upload date April 30, 2012
Running time 0:05:39
Intro Wheezy beard intro
Wink submitted by
Episode chronology
← Previous
"Meteor Meteor Meteor"
Next →
"I'm Still Here"


Transcript (in progress)

Previously on Wheezy Waiter...
I noticed that a meteor was totally headed for Earth. I went for the meteor-repelling laser. Didn't pull up my pants. And the laser was gone! Dun dun dun. And now for the thrilling nextclusion of the time when the meteor was coming towards us.
- Alright, listen up. I got some bad news. First, the bad news. We're on a collision course with a meteor the size of three and a half New Brunswicks.
- The state or the maritime province?
- The province.
- No time for gasping! Because of a staggering amount of dilly-dallying and a record-breaking amount of hemming and hawing, humanity has only minutes before a meteor comes crashing through our atmosphere. And turning our continents into incontinence.
- We're doomed!
- Not if we act quickly. Science Clone?
- Yes?
- I need a thick dollop of science on this *shirt* salad with a side order of advanced engineering. To go.
- Right away.
- Sedimental clone.
- I'm watching my stories.
- No, not Sentimental Clone. Sedimental Clone.
- I'm watching my stories.
- We got a rock packing the kinetic punch of a thousand Tony Danzas. And this time, it knows who's the boss. I want to know that rock. What is it? Who does it talk to? Dress size. Favorite movie. Favorite type of dog. How many times has it had sex? Does it pronounce it foyer or foy-ay? Got it?
- You got it.
- No, you got it!
- I got it.
- Old-timey secretaries, get me on the line with the ISS.
- Augh! So cold! So cold!
- Hey... hey... hey, cool down. I need your cool as a cucumber astronauting skills to overpower your unrelenting terror.
- I can't believe Wheezy Waiter sent me unwillingly into space
- Oh Musical Emotive Clone. Very interesting. Hmm. He emits music based on his emotions. How does that work?
- I'm in space!
- What in the name of all that is Ayn Rand?
Not today. Where am I gonna find a ragtag team of heroes with the moral fortitude to engage in a life-threatening and very probably hopeless endeavor to save the earth?
My phone was in the pocket.
There comes a time in every clone's life when he has to decide, Am I a clone or am I a man? Well, you're a clone. That's just a fact. But the safety of this planet and all the billions of people on it are the responsibility of all of us. No matter where our genes came from. It is also my responsibility. It's my duty. It doesn't matter if you're a clone. Or a clone of a clone. Or a wiener dog. Or just a regular person. Or a wiener person. This is our planet! And we're not gonna let one measly space rock destroy it. Not on my watch. Not on your watch! And yeah!
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
- Oh good.
- I'm done talking now.
- Marvelous.
- Alright.
- Inspiration!
- I feel good. And I'm inspired now. Too. As well.
- I need a team of foolhardy volunteers to get in the rocket and fly to that meteor and do something to it.
- Like what?
- Something the crap out of it.
- Blow it up?
- Sure. Blow it up. That could work. Anybody got any nuclear explosives?
- I only have one left. Sorry, man.
- What about that meteor-repelling laser?
- Oh, that. Lost that. Sorry.
- Alright, no laser. I'm just spitballing here. How about a shrink ray?
- Shrink ray?
- We could shrink that rock down the size of a maraschino cherry, drop it in manhattan, and sleep with the bartender. Aha!
Alright. Just pooping out ideas. See if they float.
- Whoa.
- Quiet Clone! Don't worry about it. That's the answer. Your singing causes earthquakes. It's probably due to the resident frequency inherent in all molecules. From lowly rocks to interstellar meteors. Haha. Fascinating! Hahaha!
- Why's that funny?
- Never mind. Everything's always so awkward with me.
- But anyway, you're right, by Joan Rivers. Quiet Clone is our rock slayer.
All hope for humanity rests on this single man. Not this one. We will send him to the meteor. With his ridiculous tendency to cause earthquakes while he sings, he's going to shake that rock to pieces. All I'm asking is for a few expendable volunteers to help pilot this incredibly dangerous rocket.
- Honey... you know I love you, right?
And I know that it's our wedding night.
But for our future children and their future children, who have the ability to time travel even further into the future, I have to help Quiet Clone stop that meteor.
- This man will do his thing. Shake things up. And you might die at that point. Doesn't matter 'cause we will survive.
- Clones, I don't need to tell you why you're here today. Or how important this is. Or where you're going. Or anything at all, really. You're the best of the best. The straw in my Jamba Juice. Each one of you has been meticulously hand-picked because you were the only volunteers.
Quiet Clone... your singing is the key to the success of this mission.
Science Clone. Keep that science coming.
Sedimental Clone. Your knowledge of rocks like this one is useful, I'm... I'm assuming.
Sexy Clone.
Revenge Clone. Not sure why you're here. It seems like a bad idea.
- Thank you. Glad to help.
- Emotive musical clone. Without you, we wouldn't know when to feel sad. Or scared. Or whimsical. Or foreboding.
And Expendable Clone, you're here because we had an extra seat.
- Apparently my shirt was expendable too.
- Wheezy Waiter... Oh, Wheezy Waiter didn't show up. God speed, gentle clones. And may Reaganomics trickle down upon you.
- Hehe. Hehe. I don't know why I'm laughing.
- Glad I didn't have to go.

Recurring elements

[Coming soon]

External links

Ground Clonetrol on YouTube