[view of Vegas skyline. Craig's profile descends horizontally from the top of the frame so his head is in the sky facing the Vegas skyline. He turns to camera.]
Hey beardlovers. I'm super huge and shadowy now. I think I'm gonna destroy Vegas. Raaawr! [opens mouth]
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
Just kidding. It's totally a hotel window. Lights. [Now the lights are on and we can see him much better and the skyline through the window behind him only dimly] Haha... I totally got you. You were like, Oh no! Wheezy Waiter's all shadowy! [blows raspberry]
Whoa! I need to do a white balance. Here we go. [holds up a piece of paper] [Now Denzel Washington's head is superimposed over Craig's] No, that's a black balance. [shot of piece of paper turning white. Lowers paper.] That's better.
I think I need some more lighting too. [Image of a shark's open mouth near Craig's head in the upper right-hand corner of frame] No, not biting! [Now a little brighter] That's better.
Hey look! You can see me! [points to reflection in window behind him, where you can see camera filming him] I'm fine with that.
So I'm in Vegas for work filming a conference, and I had no chance to make a video until right now. [Craig dances in his room, spins, does a Michael Jackson type shriek:] Ooo ooo hoo! It's a good thing the camera's pointed the other way. They can't see me dancing like this. [Turns and does a Michael Jackson-type crotch grab.] Ow! [sees the window] Oh, the reflection! I'm embarrassed. [Craig's face turns red. Really really red.]
If I could accurately depict this conference I've been videotaping for 12 hours today, it'd be something like this. [Draws in his notebook. Holds up drawing to camera. It's a straight line.] Like that. Oh wait, that's the wrong one. That's too interesting. [turns page to a blank page] There you go. [staring at the page:] That's my best work.
So I've noticed that Vegas is becoming really green. And by green, I mean sustainable, not the color of the sky if the sky were green instead of blue. For instance, when you and I enter our home and walk around the entire place turning on all the lights for no reason, that uses a lot of carbon in your body. Not here. It's just the push of a button. [walks over to the button] Turn all the lights off. [room gets dark] Turn all the lights on. [Room gets bright] Every single light on at once and less walking for me.
Hey commenters, what do you hate the most? Nah, forget it. I already know. It's shutting curtains with your own arms. Now I respect my privacy just as much as the next guy but I'd rather show off my *bell* to Vegas [unzips his jeans facing the window] than raise an arm to close a curtain. I'm not Hercules. But in Vegas, energy saved. [Craig is lying on the bed in another part of the room but visible in the reflection in the window] Check out this trick. I'm way over here. [Curtain closes] Bye bye! [Craig waves before curtains close completely]
Did you know that every time you raise an arm you emit 68 megahertz of carbon into the air or some shocking factoid I'm using to convince you of my argument? Thank you, Vegas. Hero of the world.
[Cartoon of Craig slides in/singing rug and winks (ding)]
[Wheezy Waiter sunglasses outro]
[outtake:] [Craig dancing]
beardlovers, turning red from embarrassment, wink, outtakes
Green Vegas on YouTube