[Wheezy walks into frame and sits down]
Hey beardlovers. It's July 1st. Good News Day Tuesday.
Here's some good news for people who love good news. All three stock indexes were up today. Yay!
In other good news, I brought my car in to get an emissions test but I went to the wrong facility. Turns out I'm not pregnant. But I do need a breast reduction.
[wheezywaiter chips and salsa intro can be seen (but not heard) under a new intro that says 'Wheezy Waiter Takes On July... ...5 days a week...' over a calendar of July. Modest Mouse's song "The Good Times Are Killing Me" plays over the intro.]
This news isn't just good. It's awesome.
[Reading:] "Scientists set sights on invisibility cloaks. In theory, all that's needed to make a small object invisible is something called a superlens, says Graeme Milton, a mathematician at the University of Utah." Pssh. Maybe it's not that awesome. I just remembered I can turn myself into a 30-pack of beer just using a bedsheet.
[A clone holds a bedsheet while Craig crouches down on the ground.]
[Clone:] Hey Craig, you ready?
[Craig:] What? [Clone starts to rotate, bringing the bedsheet towards Craig.] Oh no! Not yet! [The sheet hides Craig from view for a moment and when the clone pulls the sheet away, there's a 12-pack of beer on the floor.]
[Clone:] Augh, not again. [picks up the beer] A twelve-pack?
[shows a comment from doodleman]
Sorry, doodleman, you asked me to drink 24 beers in 24 hours. Guess now it will only be 12 in 12.
That's bad news but there was plenty of great news going on in my neighborhood today.
[footage of a car crossing the intersection] This car wasn't exploding.
[opens a dumpster] This dumpster wasn't full of babies.
[shot of Sears Tower] This building wasn't bombarded by airplanes.
[shot of a building with an Advertise Here banner] This building wasn't taken over by advertising. [zooms in on a shadow of a McDonalds sign against the side of the building] Or was it?
[shot of gas prices] These gas prices are....
Whoa! Never mind.
Actually, us Americans complain a lot but our gas prices aren't even as much as the average in places like Europe and other countries.
Oh! Speaking of other states, there's some good news going on in Japan.
[picture of a toilet]
They invented a high-tech toilet. [Reading:] "Japan's latest toilets include retractable water jets, odor sensors and music to muffle bathroom noises."
I discovered it this morning when I logged on to my computer. [A video of the retractable water jet from the toilet.]
That's what they call a high-end bidet. Bidet. Bidet. Bidet. Bidet. Bidet toilet.
You don't see them a lot in America but people overseas use them all the time to spray water in their butt.
[During the song, pictures of the celebrities are shown and then a little picture of a spray of water is added to the picture.]
Sean Connery ... sprays water in his butt.
Audrey Tootow ... sprays water in her butt.
Sean Penn ... his shit don't stink.
The Beatles ... spray water in their butt.
Gerard Depardieu ... sprays water in his butt.
Peter O'Toole ... sprays water in his butt.
Barbra Streisand ... her shit don't stink.
Tony Blair wets his hair Trafalgar Square and sprays water in his butt.
There's your Good News Day Tuesday. Tomorrow will be Bad News Day Wednesday when I talk all about bad news.
Thank you for all your comments and ideas. Keep them coming. I may get to some on Wednesday and Thursday but I'll focus on them on Friday. Some of you sent in videos and pictures of you wanking.... I mean, winking. Please send more. And your eyelid could ding like Brian's.
[wheezywaiter dot com outro]
[shot of a fountain called Shit Fountain. Wheezy's hand reaches forward to stroke the sculpture of poo.]
beardlovers, Good News Day Tuesday, headlines, clone, comments, song, wink
This is the first Good News Day Tuesday.
The song about bidets is set to a section of music from Driftless Pony Club's song "Let's Do This Here."
Good News for People who Love Bidets on YouTube