[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. [starts laughing] It's nothing. You got a boog. [taps nose] You got a boog. Right there. A little to the left. Huh. A little more to the left. Uh, too far. A little to the right. A little up. Oh, not on your forehead. A little down. No, not in your pants. Up. Right. Got it. No, you missed it. It's right... right there.
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
So a new enemy has been identified in Atlanta, Georgia. Girl scouts.
[shows headline] It seems these little demon children have been trying to peddle their lotus cookies at a busy intersection. The city asked them to move away from the intersection of Oglethorpe Avenue and Bowl Street. Wait a second. That's the home of Juliette Lowe, the founder of the Girl Scout organization. Blasphemy! Good Girl Scouts never bring commerce to holy ground. You're never making it to cadet. You probably won't even pass daisy. Good luck with the watering can award. Am I right? Am I right?
It seems the economy has forced these girls to take such extreme measures to improve their bottom line. [Quoting from article:] "the governing body of the Girl Scouts in Texas is adjusting sales methods." More like price gauging! [title on the screen: price gauging] I mean coughing. [title: price coughing] I mean gouging. [title: price gouging] I mean... g... [title: price g] nuh.... [title: price nuh] [title:price i-aah] I actually mean gouging. [title: price gouging]
You're forcing the American taxpayer to pay more for cookies? Cookies?! Cookies?! Cookies are a part of our infrastructure. We need cookies. I just did a google image search of 'American' and this is the picture that came up. [Picture of Cookie Monster] Seriously, go ahead. Google it. Check it out. Don't. But don't.
But at least these Girl Scouts have given America what it needs to get out of this crisis. A common enemy. Be prepared. [title: Be prepared.]
So last night I checked out the Oscars. All the stars showed up. Robert Downey Jr. [picture of Robert Downey Jr.] Scarlett.... [pictures of her appear on the screen. Wheezy turns to stare at them, transfixed. Mumbles.] Johansson. I don't care if she didn't finish her hair. She's a busy girl.
The big winner last night was The King's Speech, a movie about a stuttering king. [Quiet Clone enters in the background.]
[Quiet Clone can barely be heard saying:] Yay! [makes a yay gesture with his arms and cheers, quietly.]
I don't see what the big deal is about people with speech impediments. [Turns to hear Quiet Clone, who is talking in the background] What? There's no way I'm going to hear you at that volume. What? No idea what you're saying. I think it's actually quieter in here when you're talking. Wow. [Quiet Clone is still quietly speaking] Please speak up. It's not that I don't want to hear you, which I don't. Try to use your... use your stomach. Use your stomach muscles to force the voice out. It's kind of like, it's like throwing up volume chunks.
[Turns back to the camera] Well, at least that movie wasn't just filled with beautiful celebrities skating by on their good looks. It actually had good acting.... [Sexy Clone enters in the background.]
[Sexy Clone:] Hey, you got a problem with sexy people? [music starts playing] [pops his collar]
[Sexy Clone:] Sexy people can be smart too. Check it out. [makes sexy purring sound at camera and then bites.] See? Notice how I went [sexy purr] before [bites]? I could have gone [bites] and then [sexy purr] but I thought it'd be better to go the other way because I'm smart. [Sexy Clone makes lots of sexy faces to the camera. Craig and Quiet Clone shake their heads. Craig looks momentarily attracted to Sexy Clone before he shakes himself out of it. Quiet Clone punches Sexy Clone.]
[Sexy Clone:] Owww! My beautiful face!
Quiet Clone hates Sexy Clone. I think I'm starting to like that guy.
Alright, honestly, I don't hate sexy people. In fact, I really admire looking at them. It's the people that go way out of their ways [title on screen: ways?] to make themselves sexy in an artificial way, like using botox, fake boobs, fake hair [cut to Craig with a Wig]
[Craig with a Wig:] Hey! I resent that. No I don't. [theme music plays as Craig with a Wig flips his hair and smiles:]
[theme song:] He's Craigity Craig Craig with a wig. [piano key]
[Viewer-submitted wink (ding)]
So, many of you may know because I keep blathering on about it, my band has released a new album. We're going on tour. All the tour dates are below. We're leaving on Saturday for St. Louis and then we're going south and then east and then back home. Don't get mad if we're not coming to your town. We'll be going west in the summer. If we missed your town on the east, we tried, we couldn't get a show, I apologize. And if you don't live in the United States, it is more difficult to get to where you are and probably more expensive but we'll work on it. March 18th we're in Hamden Connecticut, you may notice if you check the doobly-doo right down there. We're playing with Mike Lombardo there, and we're looking for someone to open for us. All the inflo ... flow? .... All the info is over there in Mike Lombardo's video. Make sure you can be there March 18th, which probably means you need to live sort of nearby. You also need to be alive. Make sure that you are alive.
[outtakes:] I just did a google image search of 'cookies' ... no, 'Americans' ... if I did a google image search of 'cookies,' that would make me hungry.
singing rug, beardlovers, headlines, Scarlett Johansson, Quiet clone, Sexy clone, Craig with a Wig, Driftless Pony Club (DPC), doobly-doo, outtakes
Girl Scout, Interrupted on YouTube