[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. Did you know that today is National Cereal Day? I found out about it on Twitter. And then after some extensive Google research, I was unable to verify it in any official capacity. So... Happy Cereal Day! Time for some Cracklin' Oat Bran. [reaches into the box and grabs some cereal] Ha ha. [Eats it. Exploding sounds are heard from inside his mouth. He looks concerned. As he chews, the sounds continue. He coughs and an explosion comes out of his mouth. He sighs deeply. Grabs some more cereal.]
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
[Leaning back and swinging his chair] EXPLOSION Wednesday today. Maybe. I don't... We'll see. I'm not 100 percent sure if I'm... I'll make it permanent.
I feel loungey today. Lounge. Lounge lounge. Loungey lounge. Lounge. Lounge lounge. Lounge. Lounge lounge lounge lounge. Lounge lounge lounge lounge lounge.
So in explosion news, [shows article] sun BLASTS out an extreme... X-treme [pronounces it trem-ay] flare.
By Alan BOYLE.
[reads] The sun unleashed one of its biggest FLARES ever seen during its current activity cycle late Tuesday - an X5 point 4...
X 5 point 4? Do you have any idea what this means?!!! [Zoom and dun dun dun music as Craig makes intense face.]
Please tell me in the comments if you do 'cause I... I have no idea. At all. None.
[goes back to reading article] An X 5 point 4 class outBURST strong enough to trigger a radio blackout.
How am I gonna hear my pop, country, oldies or local car dealership commercials? Think of the savings. The savings. There could be an extravaganza. Or a BLOWOUT sale. Or an EXPLOSEoutvaganza sale.
I know what I must do. [starts looking upwards] This solar flare... [from another (higher) angle, he continues moving his head to look upwards] must... [from another (higher) angle, he continues moving his head to look upwards] be... [from another (higher) angle, he continues moving his head to look upwards] why's it taking so long to look up?... [looks up] stopped.
But how? Let's see. It's a moving ball of light in the sky. Moving light. What's the opposite of moving light? Staying heavy.
I'll just stay here and remain heavy then. [leans back in his chair] Mission accomplished. Oppositing the crap out of that solar flare. I'm like a superhero or whatever.
Gotta remain heavy. I better eat something. [Grabs some more cereal and pops it in his mouth. As he chews, the explosions in his mouth begin.] They really should take this off the market.
[Wheezy Waiter outro]
[Viewer-submitted wink (ding)]
So beardlovers, couple things. I am going to be at South by Southwest. I'm leaving on Friday and if you are going to be there, I'm speaking on a panel on Monday. If you're not going to be there, I'm still speaking on that panel but you probably won't see it 'cause you won't be there.
Also, starting on the 22nd, my band Driftless Pony Club's going on a tour down south and east. Check the doobly-doo for all the info about everything ever.
In the meantime, I'm going to protect you from X 5 point 4 class solar flares by staying here and being heavy. Physically and mentally.
[Quote appears onscreen: To manage your mind, know that there is nothing, and then relinquish all attachment to nothingness. -Lao Tzu] [Craig reads quote] To manage your mind, know that there is nothing, and then relinquish all attachment to nothingness. That's heavy.
singing rug, beardlovers, Explosion Wednesday, headlines, wink, Driftless Pony Club (DPC), doobly-doo
Giant Solar Flare on YouTube