[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. Guess what today is? [something flashes and buzzes behind him for a split second] What was that? Did you hear that? [looks around] What was that? [gets up and walks towards bookshelf, looking around] Is it in here? [Bends down towards the door on his bookshelf. Reaches very slowly to open it. Very very slowly. Suddenly, another Craig pops up from below the frame, very close to camera and shouts:] Baaaaaah!
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
Did I scare you at the beginning there? No need to worry. There's no such thing as ghosts. There is no such thing as ghosts!! [In the background, a ghost (or maybe a clone with a sheet over its head) emerges from the bathroom and slowly walks towards Craig. It remains in the kitchen, in the background behind Craig, for most of the video] Until there's conclusive proof, I will continue to believe that there is no such thing as ghosts!
[Speech impediment guy:] But Wheezy Waitoe, on one occcuwence I...
[Craig:] I don't care about your scary story. It was the wind or a freak coincidence.
[Speech impediment guy:] But it was weawwy scawy.
[Craig:] I don't care. It wasn't a ghost or anything supernatural. It was just your imagination.
[Speech impediment guy:] You ah gwumpy.
[Craig:] I just really like the truth. Love it, actually.
I'd choose truth over cake. But I'd try to figure out a way to get both, to be honest. [As Craig says this, the words appear onscreen beside him: I'd choose truth over cake, but I'd try to figure out a way to get both to be honest. -Craig Benzine]
And I don't like seeing people get all worked up about fiction. We live in an increasingly recorded world. We have live webcams all over the place. I have one in my pants. [Opens a drawer where we see a few pairs of jeans and a camera. Craig grabs the camera.] See?
We've probably recorded everything you can record on this planet. We've recorded meteors, double rainbows, quadruple lutzes... that's a figure-skating trick. The dance of the blue-footed booby. The reveal of the Janet Jackson halftime boobie. Two days worth of video uploaded every minute on YouTube. I've recorded my own bare belly [a picture of shirtless Craig from his VidCon video appears onscreen] 317 times, and I made that number up, but it's a lot! [The ghost or figure in a sheet slowly is moving closer to Craig]
No definitive proof of ghosts. None.
Well, Abraham Lincoln did come back from the dead and try to kill me two years ago but that was a reanimated corpse. That's different. They do exist. [The ghost/figure in a sheet moves even closer to Craig] But only for American presidents. It's science.
If you've seen video that you think proves the existence of ghosts, tell me the title of the video in the comments. Don't post a link 'cause you can't. I'll watch the video and then horribly crush your aluminum assumptions with the heavy stomp of my logic shoe. Firm arch support yet surprisingly comfortable. Comes in both colors. Black and white.
So did I convince you? [Two annotations appear onscreen: Ghosts Exist and No Ghosts!] You must choose. Ghosts exist. Or they don't exist. [The ghost/figure in a sheet behind Craig wields a knife behind him.] Which one? You gotta pick one. [Craig sighs] Take your time. Don't take too long. [Craig hums to himself.] You better choose. I'm just gonna wait here. I don't care if I starve to death.
[The annotations disappear. Dun dun dun music. Title onscreen: Wheezy Waiter starved to death. HAPPY HALLOWEEN!] [An annotation appears: click here to try again]
| Tree Navigation (Spoilers)|
singing rug, beardlovers, clone, speech impediment guy, Craig quotes, interactive video
The still of shirtless Craig comes from his video Wheezycon.
Craig's reference to Abraham Lincoln coming back from the dead and trying to kill him is a reference to Lincoln's Revenge.
Ghosts on YouTube