[slides in/singing rug]
Most fun intro evaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar! [As he yells "ever" for a long time, there's a picture of fireworks. He shakes a maraca. Picture of a water slide. Holds up his phone and plays with a bubble wrap app, crushing the bubbles. A clone leans into frame. Craig punches him. Picture of Super Mario Bros. Super Mario music plays. Pictures begin to appear onscreen. Picture of skydiving, picture of space shuttle. Craig does a somsersault (he's still yelling "ever"). Picture of Captain Jack Sparrow, poster for Ferris Bueller's Day Off, picture of Settlers of Catan board, picture of burgers on the grill. Craig leaps up in the air. Picture of Scarlett Johansson.]
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
So beardlovers, today's video's about having fun. [looks up at a different angle] None of that bullcrap like my usual videos. Example.
[Black and white footage plays. Title onscreen: Every Wheezy Waiter video ever made.] [slides in/singing rug. Talks in a stupid voice.] Hey beardlovers. Bluh. I think the coffee's done. I love it when the coffee's done. I'm gonna lame my way to the coffee. [gets up and heads for kitchen] Dur dur dur dur dur dur dur dur. Oh look. There's some coffee. Pours coffee. [Turns and heads back] Dur dur dur dur dur dur dur. [Sits] Slurp slurp. Nom nom. So good. Now let's talk about my stupid life and stuff. [Image turns to color] No! Today we have fun! Right after I get coffee for real.
[Sits back down] Mmm. Slurp slurp nom nom. So I tried to fill the intro with things everyone loves. [Shows a still image from the intro with the superimposed pictures.] If you don't eat meat, [an arrow points to one of the burgers] that one is vegan. I told the chef to make sure it didn't touch the other burgers. [Arrow points to Ferris Bueller poster] If you don't like Ferris Bueller's Day Off, [talks like a robot] you are a cyborg and you don't know what fun is. [talks like himself again as arrow points to Catan board] And if you don't like Settlers of Catan, you've never played it or, again, cyborg.
But if you're a cyborg who loves those things, that means you are better than human. Cyborgs who have fun are better than humans. Unless fun to them is killing humans. [These words appear beside him as he says them: Cyborgs who have fun are better than humans, unless fun to them is killing humans. -Craig Benzine]
So what is fun? According to Wikipedia, [shows article] it's the enjoyment of pleasure, an absolutely primary category of life, and [pans to picture that accompanies the article] surfing.
Surfing's a primary category of life?
But we don't have an ocean here in Chicago on which to surf. That's probably why my bath time's so rambunctious. I thought I had ADHD. Or I was part sea monster.
So when's a good time to have fun? Well, in the article it says [shows article] during work. Pfft. Yeah, right. I think you were just having a little fun. But it also says during social functions. Like going on dates. I had fun going on a date a while back.
[Craig opens the door and addresses Chyna:] Hi, come on in. Have a seat. [Chyna enters.] We can hang out here for a bit. Our reservation isn't for another 15 minutes. [They sit down] Just gotta finish up my Angry Birds. [Angry Birds noises as Craig looks at his phone. Chyna stares at him, baffled.] [As Craig plays Angry Birds, a video of Craig pops up in the corner of the frame:] If you do two fun things at the same time, it's double fun! [Chyna looks bored and a little sad as Craig plays. He laughs.] Ahaha! I bombed 'em. I bombed 'em. Egg bomb. [Chyna rests her head on her hand.] Alright. I'm all done. [Craig looks up. The chair where Chyna was is now empty.]
[Craig's voiceover as Craig looks around for Chyna. The Wikipedia article is superimposed over the corner of the frame:] Careful. The perception of time is shortened when one is having fun.
[Craig calls Chyna.]
[Chyna picks up:] Is this Craig?
[Craig:] Yeah. Hey, what about our date?
[Chyna:] I don't date anymore. I'm married with child. [She hangs up.]
[Craig looks around, confused:] How long was I... playing that?
You know what else is fun? Dancing! Do it, Go dance clone! [Go dance clone emerges from the cloning area and dances as music plays. Craig watches, smiling. He dances to the door, opens it, and dances out.]
Where are you going? Wait. [sighs] I gotta make a Stay dance clone.
You know what else is fun? This. [Plays that trick where it looks like the top of your thumb is coming off] Ooh! Ouch! My thumb keeps coming off! Ooh! Ouch! Oh! It's back on. [wiggles his thumb. It falls off.] Oop, fell off again.
[Craig has his back to camera doing that thing where you make it look like you're making out with someone by grasping your shoulders and back with your own hands.] [Voiceover:] It's also fun to fake make out or to really make out. [Craig swings around.] With cookies. [Cookies fall from Craig's mouth as he chews and clutches cookies to his chest.]
You know what else is fun? [In the background, a clone who's hiding behind the couch grabs hold of a couch pillow and starts lifting it into the air.] Special effects. Oooh. The pillow is floating. [The clone's hand and arm are clearly visible. He rises up from behind the couch a little.]
[Clone:] Could you see my hand?
[Craig:] You can totally see your hand. You have to go behind the pillow.
[Clone, sitting up more:] No, you couldn't. You couldn't see my hand.
[Craig, getting angry:] You could totally see it! We're doing it again.
[Clone:] Uh uh.
[Craig:] Yes! You could see it!
[Clone:] No you couldn't!
[Craig:] You could see it!
[Clone:] You couldn't see it! [He throws the pillow at Craig.]
[Craig:] We're doing it... [Pillow hits Craig's head. Craig sighs.] You're going to the alligator pit.
[Clone, getting up:] Fine.
Another thing that's fun.... [Craig holds up a light saber. Turns it on. Waves it. Gets up and walks around while waving it. Hits the couch a couple of times with it. Hits his chair with it.] I'll never join you! [Leaps in the air and swings the light saber.] Aaagh! Yippie-ki-yay! [swings light saber] I'm now mixing movies. [still playing with the light saber] I honestly have five or six other things to say but I'm just gonna end with this. [swings light saber some more]
[Wheezy Waiter shadow outro]
[Viewer-submitted wink (ding)]
[Sitting in his chair, Craig swings the light saber back and forth in front of him a few times. Standing near the bookshelf, he stands with the light saber for a moment or two. Turns it off. The beam retracts.]