[slides in/singing rug] [very close to camera]
Hey beardlovers. As a way to get your attention, I'm really close to the camera. Also, if you watch this video you might get 20 dollars. [holds up a 20 dollar bill] You won't.
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
arechanga or araychanga writes [shows comment] "Dear Wheezywaiter, I have an awesome boyfriend..."
[continues reading comment] "... but he can't grow a beard..."
[continues reading comment] "What should I do?"
Dump... I don't know. I'm not very good with relationship advice.
Now, Miss Changa, this might be a wild and likely really dumb accusation on my part but it sounds to me like your awesome boyfriend has too much atrazine in his system.
[shows article] A new study at Berkeley suggests that the wheat killer Atrazine castrates male frogs. That means removes their *cuckoo clock*. In the lab, it emasculated three-quarters of the frogs and turned one in ten into [speaks with an effeminate voice:] ladies. Of course, not everyone agrees with this study such as the activist group known as Syngenta. By activist, I mean largest manufacturer of Atrazine. The jury's still out on whether Atrazine is connected to beard growth since I just made that up or that beard growth is connected to masculinity in any way at all. That was really insensitive of me to assume something like that. But your boyfriend made an awesome segue. You may wanna keep him around. He could lead you to something else. Which leads me to something else. The final episode of Ty the Regular Guy. Enjoy.
[Ty is sitting on a couch between two lamps. Music plays and titles appear as he speaks:] Hi. I'm Ty. I'm just a regular guy.
[Title on screen: Visitor]
[Ty is typing on his computer. Sirens can be heard getting louder and louder. There's a loud knocking at the door.]
[Voice, offscreen:] Open up! We have you surrounded!
[Ty stops typing. The sirens are very loud now. Ty picks up an automatic rifle. And then a handgun into which he inserts the clip. He gets up.]
[Ty is back on the couch. Music plays and titles appear as he speaks:] I'm just a regular guy.
Hmm. Let's just assume that ended badly.
You know what else ended badly? When journalists continually asked Jim Bunning, the senator from Kentucky, about why he opposed extending unemployment benefits to millions of jobless Americans. [shows article] He extended his finger. Probably not the one in that picture. [in the picture, Bunning's forefinger is extended]
Sidenote. [turns to alternate camera angle] I like how in news stories editors pick out images that are completely out of context but the expression coincides with what they're talking about. [picture of Bunning smiling] As a senator, Jim Bunning loves kittens because [picture of Bunning looking angry and Craig's voice turns evil] they taste delicious. NOM NOM NOM NOM. [back to normal] Sidenote over. [turns back to main camera angle]
Way to go, Jim. Maybe you were answering questions a lot and you were just getting sick of it and instead of just walk away, you decided to act like a seventh grader. Apologies to all you seventh graders out there. You're giving me the finger, aren't you?
Not extending unemployment benefits? What a j...
[Clone rolls in next to Craig] Hey, he has a good argument for that. He doesn't want to increase the def...
[Craig raises his hand, which is censored by a black box over it, but it dings. The clone punches Craig.]
[Craig:] Augh! [rubs his cheek]
[sniffs air] Smells like the atrazinic coffee's done. Sometimes I put Atrazine in my coffee. I like the tanginess of it. Anyway. I love it when the atrazinic coffee's done. [Gets up and runs to kitchen. Comes out of kitchen, sipping coffee, and walking in a feminine manner. Sips coffee.] Mmm. [says in effeminate voice:] Delicious. Later guys! Stay fabulous! [raises hands over head and flamoyantly backs out of the room]
[Viewer-submitted skateboarding wink (ding)]
[Wheezy Waiter sunglasses outro]
[Flamboyant, effeminate Craig:] Later guys. [spins] Stay... [spins] [puts arms out and spins, falling a little into chair] [spins periodically extending arms] Stay fabulous. [title on screen: Dizzy with an arrow pointing at Craig]
singing rug, beardlovers, comments, headlines, Ty the Regular Guy, side note, alternate camera angle, clone, "I love it when the coffee's done!", wink, outtakes
Frogs on YouTube