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WheezyWaiter video
Episode no. Episode 294
Original Upload date April 16, 2010
Running time 0:03:26
Intro Wheezy beard intro
Outro sunglasses outro
Wink submitted by hybrid111
Great People
Guests: Mike Benedetto
Featured Clones
Episode chronology
← Previous
"Stupid American"
Next →
"Radio Killed the Internet Nerd"



[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. [Image goes out of focus.] Oh... hey, are you crying? What's the matter? You're not happy today, are you? [camera shakes from side to side] Oh no? Okay, here. Sit back. [Camera zooms out] Relax. Let me brighten your day up a little bit for you, huh? [Image gets brighter] Is that good? Things coming together a little bit better now? [Image comes back into focus] Yeah? [Black bars at top and bottom of screen make it appear the camera is squinting] Too bright? Okay, here. [Image gets less bright, and black bars retreat from top and bottom of frame] There you go. There, you feeling better? [Camera nods] Good. I totally control your emotions.
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
As a forewarning, I will not be punching my boss for Free Bagel Friday today. [Image goes out of focus again.] Oh, hey, don't... don't cry. Hey, let me... let me explain. After last week's punching [black and white slow-motion footage labeled "last week" of the punching from last Friday], he still needs to recover. This was his condition last week.
[black and white footage labeled "last week." Craig's boss, lying on the floor:] I can't feel my legs.
And this was his condition when I checked on him today.
[color footage of Craig's boss lying on the floor in the same position:] I can't feel my legs.
He's what we call a slow healer. Like the opposite of Wolverine.
So there's your forewarning. What's a forewarning anyway? Does that mean to warn before something happens? Wouldn't that just be a warning? What would be an afterwarning?
[Craig:] Hey clone, come here for a second.
[A clone, sitting next to Craig, leans into frame:] Heeeey!
[Craig punches the clone.]
[Clone:] Owww! Why'd you do that?
[Craig:] Oh, afterwarning. I'm going to punch you.
[Clone:] You're a jerk.
[Craig:] My emotions!
[Clone:] Afterwarning. I'm going to insult you.
[Craig:] Afterwarnings aren't very useful, are they?
[Clone:] Uh-uh.
tasteslikepaintnwood writes [shows comment] "Craig, once upon a time I had a beard but my wife's face broke out. My face is much less unsettling to strangers and happier when covered with hair. Advice?"
Ahh, typical problem with you commenters. Love gets in the way of the beard. There's a time-tested, reliable solution to this. You shave your beard once a month, kiss your wife, and then wait a month. As the old saying goes, kiss your wife once a month, all month long you'll have a bunth... of hair on your fathe. I don't know why I got a lisp at the end of that. You think your wife'll have a problem with that? Easy. Afterwarn her.
Let's get real for a moment, beardlovers. Last night I wrote down that saying I just mentioned [shows page on which he wrote down that saying] and then I went and took a shower, and I slipped a little bit in the shower, and I thought, 'What if I would have just slipped and died right now?' Cause that's how my mind works. And then a month later, because that's how long it would take, cause I don't have any friends, the cops would come in and find my dead body and then they'd find this [holds up the page with the saying written on it] next to my computer.
[talks in a different voice:] I don't know, Carl. What's a bunth?
[talks in a different voice, as Carl, scratching his head:] Maybe he's making, like, a new number, Bart. Uh, like eleventh, twelfth, bunth.
[talks like Bart:] Kiss your wife once a month... that's not a bad idea, Gary.
[talks like Carl:] I'm Carl.
[talks like Bart:] Oh that's right. Gary's on leave.
[talks like Carl:] Trouble with your wife, Bart?
[talks like Bart:] She's got kind of a... a.. a breath problem. [waves his hand in front of his mouth]
If my death can help Policeman Bart deal with his wife's breath problem, makes the whole thing worth it.
This whole scenario is assuming that I happen to kill all my clones before I took a shower. Which I did. And I always do.
So in the comments please tell me if you died, morbid thought, I know, afterwarning, what sorts of things would people be confused to find? Not... not things that would be embarrassing. Not like porn. But, like, confused.
I wonder when the coffee's gonna be done. You know, I could go for some Austrian coffee. Vienna. I hear they have good coffee. No way I'm getting through that iron curtain, though.
[shows comment from LiterallytheJoy] "Wheezy, there is no iron curtain anymore."
Since when?! That's awesome! I'm going to Vienna! Flies to Vienna. I just said that. I didn't actually do it. I've been tweeting too much.
[turns to alternate camera angle] I think it's done in the kitchen now. I think I'll just go there. A lot easier. Goes to the kitchen. Alright, fine! [gets up and goes to kitchen. Says, annoyed:] I love it when the coffee's done!
[Viewer-submitted wink (ding)]
[Wheezy Waiter sunglasses outro]
[outtake:] If my death can help Policeman Bart deal with his wife's death problem... Death problem? Hmm.

Recurring elements

singing rug, beardlovers, Free Bagel Friday, clone, comments, alternate camera angle, "I love it when the coffee's done!", wink, outtakes

Related videos

The video from the previous Free Bagel Friday comes from the video Comment Tiiiiiiiiiiiime.

External links

Forewarning on YouTube