[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. I just wanna let you know about something very important that has recently come into my life. My new couch! New couch! New couch! [Does a somersault on his couch] New couch! New couch! [Pulls cushions off and lies on them on the floor] Woo hoo! [Makes out with one of the cushions. Stands up.] I'm 30.
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
So in the news today, [shows headline] America's Lost Boys?
Lost Boys? Vampires and Kiefer Sutherland and crap? [Poster for The Lost Boys] They're finally coming to America? Alright! Aren't they already in America? Hmm. Perhaps highlighting the rest of the headline will give me more clues.
[shows headline] Why ARE so many men failing to grow up?
What? Psh. Pffft. Dur dur dur. Ear slap! [Ear slap] Whatever, dingus! Men grow up!
[reads from article] According to new research, 'lost boys' drop out of college and end up languishing in their parents' basements surfing the internet.
I demand proof evidence data ... validation numbers and stuff.
[reads from article] Last year saw the lowest level of youth summer employment on record [shot of Craig napping] [reads from article] with only 60 point 5 percent of those aged [shot of Craig napping] 16 to 24 in work or actively looking [shot of Craig napping] for jobs compared with 77 point 5 percent in [shot of Craig napping] 1989.
[Craig wakes up.] Evidence is boring. Who wrote this crap?
[highlights author's name] Fiona Roberts.
Is that another sibling Julia chooses to ignore? Poor Eric Roberts. [Sad face/sad music] I tried. I can't really feel emotion about it.
Maybe all these boys are entrepreneurs looking for opportunities. Yeah, Fiona Roberts! More like Me Pwned Ya Roberts! Ohhh-ohhhh! [Does a raising the roof gesture] Raising the debt ceiling. Ohhh.
[As Craig talks, a clone is visible in the background sweeping.]
I know what entrepreneur means.
[Clone:] What does entrepreneur mean?
[Craig:] It's like... it's like entre... like entre-pre-new.... It's like working in a restaurant. Coming up with entrees before they're... they're new.
Okay, I've seen a lot of articles about how men aren't growing up these days. Staying at home or living with a group of bros. Not making any long-term commitments, having kids, starting a family.
Now this might be true for a segment of the population. And I think part of the reason is that being a man has become a joke. Observe.
[Craig pulls up his sleeves, talks in a deep voice] Check it out. [Flexes his biceps and growls.] [Audience laughter. Craig covers his chest with his hands.] I'm so cold.
Another reason might be that for most of our country's history men were the breadwinners and women had the pretty parts. And now women are successful AND have boobies. You can't have it all three ways. [Text on screen 1 success + 2 boobies = 3 ways] Maybe men should have one and women should have one, and we can all walk around as uniboobs. But instead we think society doesn't need us so we sit around, play video games, drink beer, lo and behold [Craig stands and curves his shoulders forward. Lines go from his chest to text on screen: moobs] Problem-solving.
Now I realize that this could just sound like a whiny man blaming everything on women. But don't worry. As a man I lack conviction and rarely believe the things that I say.
I really don't know why we're not growing up but I think we should all just stop being babies and grow up already!! Which I'm gonna do on my way to the coffee. Which is done. I love it when the coffee's done so much I could cry! [Sobs. Flicks razor on. Gets up and walks towards kitchen. Music plays as he takes off his clothes. Text on screen: Farmer tan. He puts on a suit, wiggles his tie, gets on his phone as he walks into kitchen.] Buy! Buy! Sell! Sell! Alright, buy! [Walks up to coffee maker] No, no I meant goodbye. Okay. [Hangs up phone. Makes another call.] Hello? Yeah, I wanna adopt five kids. [Goes to reach for mug. He reaches for Empire Strikes Back mug but chooses plain brown mug instead.] What do you mean why? Because I want to start a family. Yeah, can I adopt a wife too? [pours coffee] Oh you don't do that? Hello?
[Wheezy Waiter video game outro]
[Viewer-submitted wink (ding)]
Oh hey, I was just checking interest rates on mortgages so I can get a home in the suburbs with my five kids and never leave like I'm about to do in a week on tour with my band Driftless Pony Club! See what that shirt says there? [Shot from earlier] No don't look at the boobs, look at the shirt. It says Middlepicker. That's a band we're playing with in Minneapolis. Yeah, we're gonna be in Minneapolis. We're also playing in these cities. [A list of cities appears onscreen.] That's right. Are we playing near you? If we are, check the date in the doobly-doo. Mmm hmm. [sips coffee] It's a little late for coffee. But that's okay. Adults drink coffee late. They have no problem sleeping because they're very tired from adulting around all day. Adult adult adult [falls asleep, snoring]. Like so.
singing rug, beardlovers, new couch, headlines, ear slap, sad face, clone, laugh track, "I love it when the coffee's done!", wink, Driftless Pony Club (DPC), doobly-doo
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