[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. So I checked out my demographic and it appears that it's more female than male. [shows pie chart that says Female 50.7% and male 49.3%] I gotta appeal more to men. I AM STRONG! STRONG LIKE OX! [grabs a piece of paper and rips it in half. throws it down. Holds up a box of Honey Comb cereal. Hits it with a hammer. It falls to ground.]
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
[singing rug as Craig slides back just a little from his computer] Oh hey, bros. I was just looking at babes like this babe [picture of Scarlett Johansson] and this babe [picture of a woman in lingerie] and this babe looking at a picture of a babe [picture of a woman looking at her phone]. The Babe [cover of DVD for the movie The Babe (with John Goodman)]. And this babe watching Babe. [Picture of a woman sitting on the couch watching the movie Babe (about the pig) on her TV.] And Baby Ruth. [picture of a Baby Ruth bar]
Yeah, I look at pictures of chocolate. It's hilarious. Looks like poop. Hehe. Up top! [puts his hand up for high five. Moves his hand forward to high five viewer. Slapping sound.] Yeah! That hurt, didn't it? That's because I'm more manly than you.
Yeah, dudes wanna be me and ladies wanna be with me. Some dudes might wanna be with me. Some ladies wanna be me. We live in a tolerant age. Anyway...
It's all about self-confidence. Fellas, if you wanna be a man, you gotta be strong in here. [slaps chest] And in here. [points to forehead] And in your air kicks. Thunder punt air punch kick! [Text onscreen: Thunder-Punt-Air-Punch-Kick] [Punts the Honey Combs box with his right foot. Leaps and kicks it with his left foot while punching it.] That cereal box was your head.
Quick, who can scream the loudest? Go! [screams] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. [While he's screaming, picture of Chicago skyline. shot of Chicago from much higher up, shot of part of US and clouds above it, shot of the whole Earth. We can still hear Craig yelling.Cuts back to Craig.] They could hear me in outer space. They couldn't hear you. I win.
No win! Nuh uh. Yeah right. YEAH RIGHT! [shot of Earth from space again. We can hear echo:] YEAH RIGHT!
Okay, so far we got violence, babes, poop jokes, reference to lesbians, competition. What else do men pay attention to?
[The toy dinosaur on top of Craig's bookshelf:] Hey, what about dinosaurs?
[Craig:] Nah, that's stupid.
[Dinosaur moves to his left and out of frame:] Out of my way. [pushes Superman toy over] Get out of my way.
[Superman toy:] Nobody pushes around Superman.
[Dinosaur toy:] Apparently, I do. [The dinosaur reenters the frame with a picture of Scarlett Johansson covering him. He clears his voice a few times and then talks in a falsetto:] Hey, how about dinosaurs?
[Craig:] Hey, what about dinosaurs? Alright, dinosaur, whaddya got?
[Dinosaur, no longer with the Scarlett Johansson disguise and speaking in his own voice:] Um, Charleston? [Music starts and the dinosaur does the Charleston, moving forwards and back.]
[Craig turns and looks at the camera for a couple of moments] Awesome! What else?
Oh yeah, dudes love it when you take a wise quote from an athlete. [These words appear beside Craig as he says them: Dudes love it when you take a wise quote from an athlete. -Michael Jordan]
I think that's it. Shoot, I guess we're done here. Wait... shoot? That reminds me of one more thing. [Raises gun] Hehe. [Raises his eyebrows a couple of times, which boing.] You'd think the gun in my hand would've also reminded me. [shoots at his bookshelf. The beard pillow falls. Shoots again. Something else flies off top of his bookshelf. Shoots that thing again as it lies on the floor. Shoots again. A DVD or book or something flies off shelf. Craig gets up and runs towards the mess. As he runs over there, the top of his jeans in the back is censored a few times with a censor box that says ha ha ha on it:] Falcon fist clutch kraken clap kick! [Text appears onscreen as he says each of these that ultimately the screen reads: Falcon-Fist-Clutch-Kraken-Clap-Kick] [He grabs the box of Honey Comb and kicks it.] Shoot! [He shoots at it. The text extends to: Falcon-Fist-Clutch-Kraken-Clap-Kick-Shoot]
[A group of people from the Philip DeFranco London meetup sing the outro theme as the shadow outro appears in the upper lefthand corner.] Wheezy Waiter. [They all wink (dings). Another guy wearing a Wheezy Waiter shirt winks (ding).]
[The dinosaur, disguised again as Scarlett Johansson:] Hey there. I mean... [switches to a falsetto voice:] Hey there. Hey, wanna donate to dowhateverittakes dot org slash challenge slash 174? We're over 6000 dollars but we need more. The goal is 10,000. Please follow the link in the doobly-doo to donate and help end youth homelessness.
[Craig holds the box of Honey Comb in front of him.] Thunder punt kick! [As he kicks it, the box flies up to the top of his bookshelf. Craig grabs it. Looks towards his computer.]
singing rug, beardlovers, Scarlett Johansson, toy dinosaur doing the Charleston, Craig quotes, boinging eyebrows, wink, doobly-doo, outtakes
For the Dudes on YouTube