Field Reporting

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"Field Reporting"
WheezyWaiter video
Episode no. Episode 73
Original Upload date July 23, 2008
Running time 0:03:35
Intro special July intro
Outro outro
Wink submitted by Eliza Toser
Episode chronology
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"Ba(n)d Practice"



[Wheezy in his car]
Hey beardlovers. It's July 23rd. I'm driving home from work here in Chicago, one of nation's top five most walkable cities. [shows headline about that] Wanna let you in on a little tradition we have here in Chicago when everyone's done with work. Everyone gets so used to walking in this city, they'd like to see how slow they can drive. [shot of traffic on highway] It's nice. It allows you sit back and enjoy the grass that grows between the cracks in the pavement when you would otherwise be at home drinking or playing video games or doing whatever it is you do. Everyone should get outside once in a while. Get right into their cars. Slowly crawl down the highway. You'd be amazed at how much time you can waste and how angry you can get. Every stupid day.
[The title 'Wheezy Waiter Takes On July... ...5 days a week... is Bad News Wednesday' are superimposed over footage of freeway and sky. The Bad News theme song by Kris Racer plays over the intro.]
[Back in Wheezy's apartment] For our first news headline, we turn to our reporter on location. What's the news, Outside Craig?
[Outside Craig:] Man found in Wisconsin basement covered in barbecue sauce.
[Inside Craig reacts in surprise] [shows article] Hmm. Apparently it's true. [Reading from article:] "The guy told police officers he had covered himself in barbecue sauce because he wanted to hide from the government."
Guy, you were on the right track but you forgot to conceal yourself from the tenants and the cops. For tenants, I like to use Mrs. Renfro's habanero salsa, preferably without salmonella. Not a sponsor. And for cops, you gotta use beef jerky. You gotta use a lot of beef jerky. Are they a sponsor? No? You don't have to use much.
Today George Bush talked about the economy with the tact and diction of a Shakespearean actor. What'd he say, Outside Craig?
[Outside Craig:] Wall Street got drunk.
[Inside Craig, raising a foaming beer bottle]: Get drunk!!!! Mmm mmm. [stumbling around] Look at me. I'm Wall Street. [drinking]
[Tears a paper towel off the paper towel roll, leans down to clean the floor] Wall Street really made a mess of things here.
[picture of George Bush] Proving that neither metaphors nor benders are lost on him, Bush stated [reading article, imitating Bush's voice:] "There's no question about it. Wall Street got drunk. That's one of the reasons I asked you to turn off the TV cameras. It's got drunk and now it's got a hangover. The question is how long will it sober up."
How long? How long indeed, Bush. Especially if it keeps taking oil speculation shots. [takes a swig of Jim Beam] Followed by adjustable rate mortgage chasers. [Takes a swig of beer] Mmm. [rubs his throat] I can feel the housing bubbles.
That was fun. Can you do metaphors too, Outside Craig?
[Outside Craig:] Shut up.
Alright, how about another headline?
[Outside Craig:] Rest in peace, Estelle Getty.
That's right. [shows headline] Sadly, Estelle Getty died yesterday.
This is a side topic. Does anyone else think it's a little weird that we do R-I-P for 'rest in peace'? It's like, Kurt [mimes ripping something], Heath Ledger... rip. [mimes ripping something] It just seems a little odd.
[Outside Craig:] That's not funny. Why would you make fun of someone who died?
Just quit being a downer.
[Outside Craig:] You're a downer.
You got a problem?
[Outside Craig:] Hey look. I discovered where you bathe. [points the camera at Shit Fountain] It's a shit fountain.
Whaa... What? Wait a second... [films the toilet] Hey look. It's a statue of you!
[Outside Craig:] That's a toilet. Kind of like a shit fountain. Not very original.
Shut up!
[Outside Craig:] You shut up.
No, you shut up.
[Outside Craig:] [shot of gas prices] Hey, is that what you charge dudes every night to sleep with you?
That was really insensitive. [holds up some money] Hey, is this what you charge... admission... to... stupid show? It's sold out. Something.
[Outside Craig:] Hey look, there's an alley. You're ugly and bald and stupid.
That wasn't even clever. That was stupid.
[Outside Craig:] No you're stupid.
No you're stupid.
[Outside Craig:] No you're stupid. Shut up.
[Outside Craig:] You shut up.
No you shut up.
[Outside Craig:] You shut up.
No you shut up. I'm gonna take this bottle and I'm gonna smash it over your head.
[Outside Craig:] Well then what you are you going to stick up your....
Oookay.... that concludes the show.
Wink us home, Eliza.
[picture of Eliza winking, holding a gun, with a woman lying next to her on a stretcher] [(ding)]
That person behind you is really creepy. Do it again.
[Another picture of Eliza winking from another angle with the woman still on stretcher in background] [(ding)]
They're still there. Yikes.
[wheezywaiter dot com outro]

Recurring elements

beardlovers, Bad News Wednesday, headlines, "get drunk!", wink

Related videos

The shit fountain first appeared in Good News for People who Love Bidets.

External links

Field Reporting on YouTube