[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. So today I wanted to... [the camera starts to shake, there's a noise like a rollercoaster starting up, and a red handle enters the frame (it's actually a broomstick), which Craig is holding onto] What's happening? [Craig grabs the red bar with both hands] Oh god! Oh no! Stop it! [more rollercoaster noise] Not this rollercoaster! Oh god, I hate rollercoasters! Oh god! [Craig cries in fear. Camera moves closer in as shouts and screams of other people can be heard. Craig lets go of the bar and raises his hands as the camera jitters and the rollercoaster clearly goes down its first slope. Craig laughs.] Ha ha ha... that was good. [Camera jitters hard again as rollercoaster turns. Craig puts his arms again.] Whoa! Hahaha! Awesome! Yeah.... oooh! [Craig throws his arms up again as camera zooms in and Craig turns a full rotation on the coaster.] Whoaaa.... Woo!
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
Sometimes you gotta get over your fear, and everything's just fine. [Craig leans over vomiting] Sorry. Still a little bit of motion sickness there but it was totally worth it. That corkscrew part where it goes like that [demonstrating with his hand/arm] and then it curves right back like that, AWESOME!
[Shows Wikipedia article on fear] Fear is a distressing negative emotion induced by a perceived threat.
Notice how it said perceived threat. Yeah. That means it's not really a threat. Your fear is stupid! Don't be so afraid, idiot! There's nothing to fear but fears themselves such as monsters, rejection, food poisoning, redundancy, monsters, and oxford commas. [These words appear beside Craig's head as he says them: There's nothing to fear but fears themselves such as monsters, rejection, food poisoning, redundancy, monsters, and oxford commas. -Craig Benzine] [A comma in red highlights the oxford comma in the sentence. Craig sees it and reacts in fear.]
Inducing a little bit of fear can be a good thing to provide a healthy amount of caution such as weather warnings. [Shows headline] "Storms spawn tornadoes in Mississippi, Alabama." Hoo! [Craig puts on a helmet, opens an umbrella and grabs ahold of his bed.] I'm hangin' on! Come on, God! Whaddya got? [The eagle flies overhead, squawks, and poops.] You got noth... [the eagle poop goes in Craig's mouth] Mm. Tastes like macaroni salad. Must be a potluck nearby. [Craig, back in his usual spot without helmet or umbrella, cleans out the inside of his mouth with his sweater] Ugh! I'm not going to actually eat that. Gross! [Starts to lick his finger]
A little fear is healthy, but too much hinders the enjoyment of bird poo -- I mean life. [These words appear beside Craig's head as he says them: A little fear is healthy, but too much hinders the enjoyment of bird poo -- I mean life. - Craig Benzine]
I was afraid of roller coasters when I was little. Now I ride them in my apartment. Well, at least I did. [turns to camera angle labeled 'math cam'] One times. [turns back to main camera angle] I was even afraid of Michael Jackson's Thriller video. If I wouldn't have gotten over that, I wouldn't have been able to do this. [Craig does Thriller dance as he sings:] Let's make it Thriller, Thriller night, Da da da da da da...
Maybe I shoulda stayed afraid.
Another problem with fear is that when you're afraid, you're irrational and impressionable. [A clone has entered in the background, wiping down the chair.] Get to the alligator pit, clone!
[Clone:] But I'm afraid of the alligator pit.
[Craig:] Do it or I'll send you to the alligator pit!
[Clone:] Okay! Okay! [The clone runs towards the alligator pit. He jumps in and yells as he jumps.] This is better than the alternative! [Alligator munches.]
[Craig laughs.] Clones are fun. So in the news, [shows article] a bunch of people are afraid to give their money to the government. Maybe they didn't save enough? Don't worry. There's plenty of time. They have until April fifteen... [raises phone and looks at it] ...eee-eenth. It's April 15th. [shows Wikipedia] In 2011, Tax Day is April 18th. Oh. Lots of time. Better head to the casino to save up some money.
[A door slams] What's that noise? [Sound of footsteps. Craig slowly turns his head towards the sound. Shot of door. Sound of wind. Closeup of Craig and the camera suddenly moves backwards into the kitchen and the kitchen door slams shut and echoes. Closeup of Craig again, lit from below.] The taxman is coming! [Zoom shot of a dinosaur toy. Sound of dinosaur growl. Zoom shot of a Buddha-type head. Gong sound. Craig looks up. Zoom shot of a VHS tape of Braveheart.]
[Mel Gibson:] Freedooooooooooooom!
[Craig rights the lamp he was using to light him from below and runs to kitchen door.]
Door! [opens and runs through kitchen door] Chair. [sees kitchen chair] Blanket. [turns and grabs a blanket off his futon. Sits in the chair and begins to cover himself with the blanket.] Coffee. [Grabs coffee cup and takes a sip. Covers himself with blanket.]
[Matt opens Craig's apartment door.] Hey Craig... oh no, just blanket. [turns to go]
[Craig, from under the blanket:] Matt?
[Matt comes back in:] Craig? Where are you, Craig?
[Craig:] I'm under the blanket.
[Matt:] Oh! There you are.
[Craig:] You're not the taxman, are you?
[Matt:] No. I just came from my new job.
[Craig:] You got a new job? That's great.
[Matt:] Thank you. I work for the IRS.
[Matt:] I'm the janitor.
[Craig:] Oh. Goo... good... good for you.
[Matt:] I'm in charge of cleaning the bathrooms and the tax evasion.
[Matt:] Chill out, buddy. You have until April 18th.
[Craig:] Oh, okay.
[Matt:] But then you're mine! [Does an evil laugh as he backs out and closes the door. His evil laughter quickly turns into a:] Whoaaaa! [as we hear him fall down the stairs.] Ow! Ahh! Ow! Ahh!
[Craig, still under the blanket:] Ooh. Matt's dead.
[Matt, calling from offscreen:] No I'm not.
[Craig:] Matt's severely injured.
[Matt:] Yeah, I am.
[Winker plays outro theme on a bassoon. The Wheezy Waiter video game outro graphic is visible in the corner of screen. She winks (ding)]
[outtake:] There's nothing to fear but fear itself. There's... [sound of knocking can be heard. Craig turns towards the sound.]
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Fear 101 on YouTube