Fat Action

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"Fat Action"
WheezyWaiter video
Episode no. Episode 558
Original Upload date September 20, 2011
Running time 0:04:55
Intro Wheezy beard intro
Outro video game outro
Wink submitted by Albatrosssd
Great People
Camera work by Craig Benzine
Matt Weber
Guests: Ty
Featured Clones
Episode chronology
← Previous
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"The Sky is Falling"



[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. So apparently a big important law was repealed recently, but every time I ask somebody about what it is, they keep giving me the same runaround. How am I supposed to know what I'm not supposed to tell if I'm not even supposed to ask?
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
So beardlovers, you ever have wall bubbles? You know what I'm talking about, right? Wall bubbles? No? Oh, well there was a rainstorm recently in Chicago, and now my wall has this. [Closeup of Craig's wall which has ... well, wall bubbles. Rain damage.] I... I don't know. I... [Image of Scarlett Johansson dissolves in over the wall. Her breasts are where the wall bubbles are. Craig stares for a moment and then shakes his head to shake himself out of it.] I need to get out more.
You know who gets out more? Ty the Regular Guy.
[Ty stands on sidewalk and yells to camera across the street. Music plays and titles appear as he speaks:] Hi. I'm Ty. I'm just a regular guy.
[Title onscreen: The Turn]
[Ty walks down the sidewalk for a moment. Stops and raises his left hand. Turns to his right and keeps walking.]
[Closeup of Ty. As he speaks, music plays and titles appear:] I'm just a regular guy.
Regular man about town, that one. I wanna be a man about town. But not looking like this I won't be. I'm not going anywhere until I have the physique of a supermodel. If you can't be perfect, why be? [As he says this, the words appear onscreen beside him: If you can't be perfect, why be? -Craig Benzine] I can word that better. I'll do it later.
I'm gonna look for some tips on how to lose weight. [leans towards his computer] [shows article and reads headline] Overeating? Which hand are you using?
Hmm? Read read read read read read.
Apparently, if you switch hands that you normally snack with, you eat less. Let's try it out.
[Craig sits with chips and salsa on his lap. With his right hand, he grabs a chip, dunks it in the salsa:] Mmm. I love chips and salsa. [Eats] Mmm. Mmm. Okay, other hand. [He puts his left hand directly into the salsa.] Mmm. [Then grabs a chip with the same hand.] Mmm. [Eats] Mmm. Mmm. Nope, still wanna eat it just as much.
I guess I should stop relying on these silly tricks. There's no one magic silver bullet that's gonna solve all my weight loss goals. Well, I guess there is one. [takes a sip of coffee] Mmm. Coffee. It passes more than just the time. [As he says this, the words appear onscreen beside him: Coffee: it passes more than just the time. -Craig Benzine] [We can hear a gurgling sound.] I think the coffee's done. [Craig gets up quickly.] [Sound of a flushing toilet as Craig emerges from the bathroom.] Ahhh.
Hey, speaking of fat, the action of my crappy acoustic guitar is really fat. The action is the distance between the strings and the neck. You want 'em to be really close together. Not fat. [Extreme closeup of the distance between the strings and the neck on Craig's guitar.] Look at that distance. [He racks focus to the bookshelf behind him where we see the dinosaur toy on top of the bookshelf.] That's the size of a t-rex.
Well, guess what? I got a new guitar. [Holds out his hand and a green guitar travels its way across the room to him. He grabs it.] The action is way better on this guy. [Standing far from camera] Look! It's way smaller than a t-rex. [The t-rex is lowed into frame right in front of the camera.]
And it's green 'cause it's made outta alligator. Don't tell alligator. Huh, there's crumbs on here for some reason. [brushes crumbs off the guitar] And now for the real test. I'll play you a song! [strums guitar, appears to be playing it, but there's no sound.] Where'd the music go?
[Craig strums:] Why? Won't? You? Play? Where'd the music go? [Craig gets up, walks through apartment and starts singing. He's playing the guitar too but we can't hear any music:]
Oh oh
It's worse than stubbing your toe. [Walks out of the apartment]
Oh I don't know [walking outside on the sidewalk]
Where'd the music go?
Oh oh [turns down an alley]
I guess it must have been sent
I wonder what it meant
[Very faintly, we can hear music. Craig looks around.]
Where the music went.
[He walks back into his kitchen. We can hear the music as the clone sitting at the table opens his mouth and murmurs too quietly to be heard.]
Oh oh
The music's in your throat [As the clone continues moving his mouth like he's talking, we can hear the music.]
That would be my vote.
Why are you singing the notes?
[song over]
[Craig strums the guitar and we can hear it as the clone speaks the notes.]
[Craig strums it again very fast and we can hear the notes.]
[Quiet Clone murmurs very quietly.]
[Craig:] Quiet Clone?
[Quiet Clone murmurs quietly some more.]
[Ripple effect to desaturated footage of Quiet Clone entering the kitchen. The green guitar is lying on the table. He opens the cabinet. There's a sign in the cabinet: Out of plates :( . Quiet Clone reacts in surprise. He turns, holding his sandwich, looks around, sees the guitar and nods slightly. In the next shot, Quiet Clone is sitting eating, using the guitar as a plate/table. He has a glass of milk and a small stack of cookies on top of the guitar as he eats his sandwich. Puts the sandwich down on the guitar as he wipes his mouth. Lifts the glass of milk. Ripple effect back to the present as Quiet Clone is still murmuring unintelligibly.]
[Craig:] I think you just said you accidentally ate the music?
[Quiet Clone murmurs.]
[Craig:] We need to get that out of you. I have just the thing. [Craig raises a cup of coffee.]
[Quiet Clone murmurs.]
[Title on screen: 20 minutes later]
[Shot of washer/dryer/bathroom door area. Craig is sitting at the table:] Quiet Clone, what's going in there?
[Quiet Clone opens the bathroom door. We hear flushing sound. He emerges holding the guitar and a cup of coffee. Strums the guitar. We can hear it. He nods happily. Craig smiles and nods. Quiet Clone takes another sip of coffee and leans towards the guitar again as if to eat the music.]
[Craig:] No!
[Quiet Clone murmurs:] Just kidding!
[Craig laughs:] Oh Quiet Clone. [laughs, says under his breath] Oh I hate you.
[Quiet Clone's stomach gurgles. He rushes back into the bathroom and shuts the door.]
[Wheezy Waiter video game outro]
[Viewer-submitted wink (ding)]
So beardlovers, remember last time I mentioned Platoon of Power Squadron, the web series that I act in that's in the On the Rise competition? You were probably like, 'Yeah, we got this. It's in the bag.' Well, it is not in the bag. It is not even in the same grocery cart as the bag. We are not in first place. We're not in third place. We're in second place. So please go vote for Platoon of Power Squadron. Link in the doobly-doo. I'm not gonna ask you to vote for something you don't know anything about. Go here to watch the web series. [Points to clickable annotation.] It's very good. And it involves time travel, lightning, clones, manipulation of all matter, pretty girls, and dare I say character development. Intriguing storylines. And it's made me a group of people who've been working on this a bunch of years because they love it. And they want it to be as good as possible. Please vote to help it be seen by as many people as it can.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go enjoy two awesome new things. [Craig sits on his new couch playing his new guitar and singing:] New guitar not as new as the new couch! New guitar not as new as the new couch! New guitaaaar! Yeah! [falls asleep and snores loudly]

Recurring elements

singing rug, beardlovers, Scarlett Johansson, Ty the Regular Guy, Craig quotes, headlines, chips and salsa, song, Quiet clone, wink, Platoon of Power Squadron, doobly-doo, new couch

Related videos

Ty the Regular Guy - Episode 21: The Turn
Making of Fat Action

External links

Fat Action on YouTube
Ty the Regular Guy on Facebook