|Original Upload date||September 29, 2011|
|Intro||Wheezy beard intro|
|Outro||video game outro|
|Wink submitted by||Evan42881|
[Craig slides in/singing rug, deeply reclined in his chair. Speaks slowly and sleepily.] Laziest intro ever. [Text on screen: Laziest intro ever!!] [Closes his eyes. Snores softly.]
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
Most intense post-intro ever! [Text onscreen: Most intense post-intro ever!!] [Does a reverse somersault out of his chair. Leaps sideways onto the couch, and while flipping, he kicks the eagle. Right side up again.] Ever! [Four frames of Craig on screen:] Ever! [16 frames of Craig onscreen:] Ever! [64 frames of Craig onscreen:] Ever! [256 frames of Craig onscreen:] Ever! [1024 frames of Craig onscreen:] Ever! [Over 4000 frames of Craig onscreen:] Ever!
[Craig punches a clone four times.]
[Craig:] You're probably wondering how I'm able to do all the best things all the time.
[Clone:] I'm wondering why you punched me.
[Craig:] We've moved past that already.
One, I wake up every morning and kiss myself in the mirror. [Text onscreen: 1) Kiss Reflection] because it builds confidence! [Craig kisses himself in the mirror.] I guess that's why. I don't...
Two, I fail at a bunch of stuff [Text onscreen: 2) Fail a lot] to remind myself that failure's not an option. It just happens all the time. Like, all the time. [These words appear beside Craig as he says them: Failure's not an option. It just happens all the time, like, all the time. -Craig Benzine]
See, check it out. [Raises up guitar and starts playing it. Makes a mistake.] [Text onscreen: Chord fail]
Nom nom nom nom. [Puts food into his eye.] [The failed chord plays.] [Text onscreen: Eat fail]
Let's remember me as a child. [A thought bubble appears beside his head with a puppy in it. The failed chord plays as text onscreen: Memory fail] I used to yelp all the time. Jump up on people. Until I was neutered.
Four. Due to all my... [the failed chord plays] [Text onscreen: Performance fail]
Three. Due to all the... [the failed chord plays] [Text onscreen: Performance fail]
Three. Due to all my failure, I would descend into a maelstrom of despair and self-doubt. [Closeup of Craig looking pensive and then horrified. Text onscreen: 3) Descend into maelstrom of despair and self-doubt] Destroying any positive image of my existence.
Four. I brush my teeth thoroughly [text onscreen: 4) Brush teeth.] 'cause I remember that I never wash my mirror. [Craig brushes his teeth vigorously and kisses his mirror with his toothpaste-foaming mouth]
Five. I finally succeed at something, [Text onscreen: 5) Succeed!] thereby transforming all of my failures into proverbial intersections on the road to success. [Craig, in his bathroom, balls up some toilet paper, covers his eyes, and shoots, presumably for the trash basket. He misses.] Yes! My goal was to hit the floor.
Six. The rest of the day I declare everything that I do as the BEST! [Text onscreen: 6) I'm the BEST!] And it doesn't matter if I'm wrong because now I can accept failure. But I'm not wrong. I'm the best! [Text reappears onscreen: 6) I'm the BEST!]
Best list ever!
So there. I hope this taught you to stop being such a whiner. Or a winner. Accept your failures. Every time you fail, if you allow yourself to learn, you get one step closer to being the best. You'll never be the best 'cause I'm already the best. You can be second best.
You know another thing I'm the best at? Getting us halfway to our goal! I'm so good at halfsies!
Remember that video we were trying to get to over 200,000 views so Intel would donate 25 thousand dollars to donorschoose dot org? Well, we got over 100,000 views. [Applause] Thank you. Thanks. I appreciate it.
That's more than the best at halfsies!
And you know what? Intel is gonna donate anyway. Here's how it works. If you'd like to help out, go to donorschoose dot org where you can donate to classrooms in need. Intel will be supporting technology projects in Joplin, Missouri where the tornado hit. Where it says Double Your Impact, Intel will match your donation. Doubling it. That's quadruple halfsies!
And remember, don't forget to get out there and be a loser!
Fail fail, a tragic loss. The more you lose, the more you're boss. [These words appear beside Craig as he says them: Fail fail, a tragic loss. The more you lose the more you're boss.]
[Wheezy Waiter video game outro]
[Viewer-submittted wink (ding)]
Most surprising ending ever! [Stares at camera for five seconds. Then lowers his chair. Intense face and dun dun dun music. Holds the intense face for a few moments. The dinosaur toy floats up into the air off the bookshelf. Craig turns his head towards it and then looks back at camera.]
The video he was trying to get to 200,000 views was Competition 101 (continued).
Failure 101 on YouTube