[slides in/singing rug] [Craig isn't looking at camera. He's looking off-camera to his left]
Hey beardlovers. So... for most of my life [squints] I wore contact lenses. [Now looks to the right of the camera] But last night I had an epiphany. I don't need them. I see perfectly fine without them. [squinting and looking all around] Eye care is a myth. [smiles]
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
[Throughout the video, Craig has what can be described as crazy eyes. He doesn't succeed in looking at the camera once.]
Look at that. I even styled my hair this morning with no glasses or contacts. It only took 40 minutes.
[turns to alternate camera angle but isn't close to look at camera] Speaking of hair care, did you know that there are people advocating that you [points, first to his left and then to his right] should stop using shampoo? People think that if they stop using shampoo their hair will get way too greasy. Well, apparently shampoo causes your hair to produce more grease. So it's a vicious cycle. Shampoo [mimes squeezing shampoo into his palm] [poster for movie Shampoo] [mimes lathering shampoo in hair] Grease [poster of movie Grease] Shampoo [mimes squeezing shampoo into his palm] [poster for movie Shampoo] [mimes lathering shampoo in hair] Hairspray [mimes spraying hairspray] [poster for movie Hairspray] Grease too [poster for movie Grease 2] Shampoo ... [mimes squeezing shampoo but shakes the bottle, which is empty] oh. Gone with the wind. [Poster for Gone with the Wind] Mo' money. [goes into his wallet] [Poster for movie Mo' Money]. Crybaby. [Poster for movie Cry-Baby] [Starts crying] Well, apparently it's the same thing with contacts. [Poster for movie Contact] [turns to main camera angle]
[Very crooked eyes] Because of my extensive science tests, I have discovered that contact lenses cause your eyes to produce more eye grease so it's like you're looking through a stained-glass window into your neighbor's bedroom. Or wherever you happen to be looking.
[turns to alternate camera angle] But now that I've gone so long without wearing my contacts, I have perfect 20/20 vision. [Picture of John Stossel on 20/20] Or maybe even Dateline NBC vision. [Picture of Dateline NBC logo] Or maybe even 60 Minutes vision. [Picture of their logo] Or whatever show Diane Sawyer's on. [Picture of Katie Couric] [squints] That's... that's... That's a picture of Diane Sawyer, right? [text under picture: Katie Couric] [squints] Yeah. She's a hottie. [Bites and growls] [Turns back to main camera angle]
And don't even get me started on glasses. You've seen what a magnifying glass does to an ant? Yeah, awesome, right? It burns right up. What... what were talking about? [sighs] I'm kinda thirsty.
[Standing by his nightstand, he picks up yellow cup but instead of drinking from it, he pours the water over his right shoulder] Agh, I've been drinking this all day. [dumps more water over his shoulder] I still remain thirsty.
Maybe coffee will work. Which I think is done. Which I love. [Gets up to get it. Returns from kitchen with a bottle of Jim Beam] Woo hoo! [Takes a sip] Mmm. Strong coffee today. Ooh! Get caffeinated. Put that coffee cap back on. [Screws cap of Jim Beam bottle back on] Wait, what?
[Wide-eyed and nowhere near looking into camera] So far I've convinced one other person that eye correction is unnecessary. Right, Craig with a Wig?
[Craig with a Wig shrugs:] Yeah, I guess. I never leave this kitchen table. And I hate this kitchen table.
[Theme song:] He's Craigity Craig, Craig with a Wig. [As Craig with a Wig turns and smiles, he has crazy eyes too and is not looking at the camera like usual] [toy piano key]
There. I've successfully convinced you that contact lenses and glasses are unnecessary. The tyranny of the eye doctor is over! Just another nip of coffee before I drive into rush hour traffic to work. [takes another sip of Jim Beam] Mmm. [gets up and goes to kitchen but bangs into doorway before running through it]
[Viewer-submitted wink (ding)]
[Wheezy Waiter sunglasses outro]
[Shot of Craig's apartment as a sound of an accident can be heard. Craig comes out of the kitchen] Whoa! That sounded like quite a bad accident out there. Good thing I can't find the front door. That might've been me. [Turns towards kitchen door] Let's see. Four paces forward. Five paces to the right. [Starts walking, goes into kitchen. We hear him bang into something.] Ow! My ankle! Hey! I'm not wearing shoes.
singing rug, beardlovers, alternate camera angle, "I love it when the coffee's done!", Craig with a Wig, wink
Eye Care is a Myth on YouTube