|Original Upload date||May 18, 2011|
|Intro||Wheezy beard intro|
|Wink submitted by||boondockscar|
[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. So today is Wednesday, and if you've been watching my videos for a while, I think you know what happens if I ever decide to make it a thing which I'm not sure about yet on Wednesdaaaaays. [long pause] [picks up book, licks finger, and turns the page]
[A clone, pops up from below the frame, very close to the camera] EXPLOSION! [He pops down out of frame as Craig continues turning pages]
[Craig looks down:] You were late.
[Clone, off camera:] Well, a dramatic pause was in order.
[Craig:] You were late. Don't give me that.
[Clone, off camera:] I thought...
[Craig:] Where you been?
[Clone, off camera:] It needed a dramatic pause.
[Craig:] You were late. Why did you take so long to do that?
[Clone, off camera:] I was not... No! It needed a dramatic pause.
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
Okay, I have to apologize if you jumped at the beginning. That beginning actually scares me every time I watch it. But that's what happens on WEDNESDAY WEDNESDAY...
[The clone, pops up from below the frame, very close to camera:] EXPLOSION! [He pops down out of frame]
Every time. [looks down] Good work. You were right.
[Clone, off camera:] See? I told ya.
[Craig:] Shut up.
[Looking down to clone out of frame] I'm not even sure if Explosion Wednesday should be a thing yet.
[looks at camera] In explosion news, [shows article] growth chemical leads to exploding watermelons in China. [shows picture accompanying the article] Which is especially a problem when you consider that that is where the Chinese do their finances apparently. My money got wet from the water from the melon. My money got wet from the water from the melon.
[Craig plays guitar and raps/sings. Shots of him in various places in his room.] My money got wet from the water from the melon. I was unaware that watermelon was a felon.[song over]
I'm such a dork! Wow!
[shows article and reads from it] Farmers tending fields throughout eastern China injected norunefrolohcrof [focuses on word in article: forcholorfenuron]. Oops, I pronounced that backwards. I hate when I taht od. [text on screen: do that.] [continues reading] forcholorfenuron, a growth accelerator, into their crops of watermelons. The result had these ultra-plump melons [starts flexing his bicep] literally bursting at the seams, unable to contain [raises his other arm and starts flexing that bicep] their own chemically laden power. Chemically? [drops his arms] I don't juice. Implants.
Why be tough when you can just look tough or never leave the house? [As he says this, the words appear on screen beside him: Why be tough when you can just look tough or never leave the house. - Craig Benzine]
This is just the latest in a growing list of reasons why you don't swallow whole watermelons. [Turns to another camera angle and holds up list] [looks over his shoulder at door behind him] I bet you wanna know where that door goes, don't you? I'll never tell. I might tell. [turns back to main camera angle]
In other news, [shows another article] Are Google's Android and Chrome on a collision course? [gasps] [Voiceover over title card] Ultimate Robot Battle! Android Versus Chrome! [The icons for Android and Chrome begin to battle as Craig provides the voiceover.] Android antenna stab! Chrome spin punch! Android head butt! Ouch! Right to the Chrome ball! Chrome spin punch! Pretty much his only move. Android kick! Ooh... looks like Chrome's going into the Droid Void. It's over, folks!
[Reads from article again] Google executives suggest that the Android and Chrome operating systems could overlap on future devices. Oh, it's actually boring tech stuff that matters to people. The article's less about EXPLOSIVE battles and more about consumer choices. [Reading from article] "We provide choices to users." "That word would be 'choice.'" "Consumers really like choices."
I actually kinda hate choices. They stress me out. Example. [Craig sitting at kitchen table with his hands over his mouth. Swallows loudly.] Mm. Double yum. That was some delicious whole watermelon. Oh geez, I'm late for my class on how to not talk to yourself. I better hop in the shower. [Gets up and goes into bathroom, singing:] To the shower, gotta grab a towel... [Freezes and his eyes widen as he sees three towels to choose from. He swallows loudly.] Do I want the red one? Or do I want the green one or the white one with the green stripes or the green one or the red one...? [clutches his hair] Oh god, which one do I want? [picks up the green towel and red towel] The green one or the red one or white one with the green stripes? Oh god. I can't decide. [starts crying] I can't decide. [He explodes. Craig walks into the bathroom.] Thanks for making the decision for me, dead clone. [Bends down to pick up the one remaining towel] Now I'm gonna go take a shower. [Walks off the camera] Turning on the water. Taking off the clothes. Hopping in the shower. Whoopsydaisy, still wearing my underwear. That's okay. I haven't washed 'em in a while.
[Viewer-submitted outro theme and wink (ding)]
[outtakes:] We provide choices to users. That word would be choice. Consumers really like choices.
Android kick! Ooh! Looks like Chrome's going into the Droid Void. It's over, folks!
Reasons Why You Don't Swallow Whole Watermelons
- Small mouth
- Not hungry
- Avoid being like your professional eater father/mother
- Oprah said not to (and she eats everything)
Exploding Watermelon! on YouTube