[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. A new extensive study about the effects of alcohol just came out today. Studies show that it gets you druuuunk! Study carried out by me. A bunch of times.
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
That intro didn't set a very good example. Don't be like me. Let me very briefly give you a better example of how to live your life.
Don't drink, kids! Stay in school! Buckle up! Pretend to be oppressed. Mom and Dad don't understand me! Don't get a credit card!
If you get a girlfriend slash boyfriend, brush your teeth.
If you get dumped, at least you know it's not because of bad breath. You brushed your teeth.
Proceed to apply your sadness to all romantic comedies and songs.
If you're angry, maybe smash one pumpkin. Just one. And maybe up against a tree in a forest so that no one'll see it. Or maybe just take your Starbucks Pumpkin Spice and throw it up against a tree. Throw away the cup, though.
If it's earlier in the year and there's no pumpkins around, smash artichoke hearts. That's even more symbolic.
Get over it! [sobs and whines unintelligbly] Get over it!
If you remained alone, be glad. It's better to have loved and lost. [These words appear beside Craig as he says them: It's better to have loved and lost.] Only depending on how long you've loved and how much money they took. [The period in the previous sentence turns into a comma as the quote continues as Craig continues speaking. The entire quote now reads: It's better to have loved and lost, only depending on how long you've loved and how much money they took. -Craig Benzine]
Plus since you're not heartbroken you still have an appetite. Artichoke dip and pumpkin pie time! [Raises his eyebrows a few times which boing each time.]
Continue to brush your teeth.
Don't get a credit card!
Apply for scholarships. If you got bad grades, skip to [moves his mouth as voiceover speaks:] 1 minute 16 seconds. [back to normal] It's the same outcome.
Sit up straight. Go to a university and get those electives done early so you can drop out and chase your dreams.
Next, fail at your dreams and move back in with your parents.
You got a credit card, didn't you? Oh geez. [Rubs his eyes. It's now 1:16 in the video.] Get a job. And brush your teeth. You might want to add flossing to the regimen.
And now it's time to get your own place. Preferably near a burrito joint. And make sure they give you chips and salsa. And that you can ask for more, and it's still free!
Fall in love, preferably with someone who loves you back. Should be easy considering how good a shape your teeth are in.
Travel together on the cheap. Go to a Renaissance Fair at least once. They're pretty awesome. I got to drink mead and throw an ax! The mead actually wasn't very good. Don't drink the mead.
Have a kid on accident. Or don't.
If do, get second job.
Open an IRA and learn that you should have already known about compound interest.
If you're out of debt, get a credit card. And just use it for rewards.
At this point, you should be around halfway through your life. Congratulations. You've lived longer than Kurt Cobain, Janis Joplin, and probably Jesus.
For the next thirty years or so, you should mix and match the following. Not all are required. Work. Travel to amazing places and terrible places. Eat amazing and horrible food. Brush your teeth. Alternate between periods of fitness and laziness.
If you don't have kids, consider having one or two. Or zero. If you don't like kids, consider zero. If you only sort of like kids, consider television.
If our global economy and or environment and or resources tank [An arrow points to Craig's hair with a title next to it: Make sure there isn't stuff in your hair in a video], consider getting in good with one of your [makes air quotes] 'crazy friends' who's been stockpiling Campbells soup.
If our economy' s good and you're in your sixties, cash in on your social security and IRA.
Also, congratulations! You have been alive longer than half the Beatles and everyone in the Middle Ages. And they had to drink mead their whole life. But they got to throw axes.
You should now be able to quit your job, continue traveling, eating, being fit and lazy. Pretend to be oppressed. [talks like an old man] My kids don't understand me!
Brush your teeth. Real or fake.
Pretend to know everything. And if you do know everything, keep it to yourself, Gramps! Or Grams.
And when you eventually die, at least you won't have bad breath. You brushed your teeth!
If there is an afterlife, don't haunt anybody! But let me know if there is one, okay? But not in a scary way.
So that was just a brief example. You can live however you want.
Actually, I don't even need to do any of that to have a complete life. All I would need is star of Breaking Bad Bryan Cranston to be in one of my videos. Then my life would be complete. [shrugs]
[Wheezy Waiter video game outro]
[Bryan Cranston:] Wheezy Waiter. [He winks (ding)]
[Craig looks completely shocked. He can't speak for several moments. He sputters a little and then speaks.] Life complete.
singing rug, beardlovers, Craig quotes, boinging eyebrows, chips and salsa, wink
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