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WheezyWaiter video
Episode no. Episode 79
Original Upload date October 12, 2008
Running time 0:03:41
Intro chips and salsa intro
Outro outro
Wink submitted by WheezyWaiter
Great People
Camera work by Craig Benzine
Guests: Craig's dad
a little girl at pool
Ashleigh (heard not seen)
Episode chronology
← Previous
"The Wheezy Knight"
Next →
"Silent Senate"



[Craig walks into frame, talking to himself, holding a coffee mug.]
Drinking coffee, talking to myself. Hmm. What should I do today? Hmm. Guess I could sleep all day like I've been doing for the past few months. Hmm. Yeah, I'll do that. [sees camera and stares into it for a minute, confused] Oh! That's right! I have a video blog!
Since I've been in hibernation for the last couple months, let's see what I've been missing. [Goes to his computer] Let's see... close out all this hardcore pornography. Yeah. Mmm hmm. [sips coffee] [Psycho music starts playing] [headlines swirl over Wheezy's horrified expression: 8 days that rocked Wall Street, Wall Street's 8 brutal days, Home deals go bust, Hockey Mom. Turns to the camera] What'd you guys do?
[wheezywaiter dot com chips and salsa intro]
Greetings wheezies. It's October 12th. I just came out of my long hibernation to discover that our thriving economy has been squandered by the public. The public being you and me, but mostly you since I've been sleeping. Lucky for you, I'm a forgiving and beautiful person. And I made a list of things we can do to get through these tough economic times.
Number one. Take up a hobby that will occupy your time and not cost anything. Such as synchronized swimming in a public pool. [Footage of a pool plays to Super Mario music. Wheezy and Margot do a synchronized swimming routine.]
Number two. If you have an upcoming holiday or birthday, milk it for all it's worth before we run out of money. October 5th was my birthday and I went golfing with my dad. He paid for it.
[Footage of golfing trip set to Kenny Loggins' "I'm Alright." Wheezy's dad tees off. Wheezy tees off, missing the ball entirely.]
[Wheezy's dad:] Par 4. 315 yards. What are you gonna do, Craig?
[Craig:] I'm gonna kick it!
[Wheezy's dad:] What?
[Craig on the tee. Runs towards the golf ball and kicks it.] Whew. Should've used a one-wood.
[Wheezy's dad:] Well, Craig, it's a Par 4, 328 yards. What are you gonna use?
[Craig:] I think I'll use my putter.
[Wheezy's dad:] What?
[Craig puts his ball on the tee and putts it. Wheezy's dad looks off into the distance. The ball rolls near the hole.]
[Craig:] Aww, just missed it.
[Wheezy's dad, shaking his head:] You're a disappointment to the family.
[Craig:] Alright Dad, we got a par 4, 342 yards. What should I do?
[Wheezy's dad:] Shut up. I'm getting drunk. [drinks beer]
[Wheezy shakes his head and walks away.]
Thanks Dad.
Number three. Cut down on expenses for alcohol and food by combining them into a bloody mary. My only source of nourishment for the past two months has been bloody marys. [drinking a beer] Mmmm. I ... uh ... had a coupon. Or something.
Number four. Use coupons! [throws a bunch of coupons up into the air]
[Looks at coupons] Hmm. My coupons are only for beer and oil changes. I guess if you need to get in touch with me, I'll be [holding up a coupon] getting drunk with [holding up another coupon] the fine folks at Midas every week. [closeup of picture of Midas employees on the coupon] They look like a friendly, diverse, bi-gendered group of people with whom I would like to get hammered.
Number five. Manually wash your clothes. I like to combine my laundry cleaning with my dishes. [Throws clothes into the sink that's filled with soapy water.] Or with my windows. [A sweater hangs on a window. Craig spays Windex on it and the window and wipes with a paper towel.]
And finally if you have a video blog, save on energy [sitting in the dark] by recording with the lights off.
I hope all my brilliant tips help you get through these tough economic times. From now on, I'll try to stay out of hibernation. [wink (ding)]
[wheezywaiter dot com outro]
[The pool again. Wheezy is in the water, and a girl is beside him in the water, talking to him about what to do.]
[Craig:] I'll wait.... I'll try this straight before I twirl.
[Girl:] Like that. [showing him something with her arm.] Not like this.
[Craig:] Yeah. Okay. Thank you.
[Craig swims away from the wall. Attempts one of the synchronized swimming moves.]
[Ashleigh (who's filming, heard not seen):] Mmm [critically]
[Craig surfaces.]
[Ashleigh:] That wasn't very good. Try it again, Craig. [Craig looks at her.] That wasn't good.
[Craig tries again, completely failing.]
[Ashleigh:] Nooooo. Oh god. [laughing] [Craig surfaces] That one was really bad.

Recurring elements

headlines, wheezies, "get drunk!", wink

External links

Economicon on YouTube