[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. So today's Wednesday. I'm trying out this new thing called Explosion Wednesday in which we talk about explosion news and generally fiery content. But an explosion needs to happen before the intro so here's an explosion. In 3... 2... 1... zero... negative 1... negative 2... negative 3... negative [Explosion]. Countdowns are kinda ruined when you go negative. Just like elections. That's the moral of the story. [Craig stares at camera as voiceover says:] Not paid for by The Ad Council. Or anyone. [Small text onscreen: Not paid for by The Ad Council or anyone.]
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
So today in the news, [shows article and reads headline] two earth-sized planets spotted around distant star.
Yes! I'm gonna inhabit the crap out of them. But there's always a catch.
[reads from article] These planets, though roughly the size of our planet Earth, are circling very close to their star, giving them FIERY temperatures that are most likely too hot to support life.
[Craig sighs, exasperated] Oh fine. Then why is it a big deal that we discovered 'em?
[reads from article] "These two new planets are the first genuinely Earth-sized worlds that have been found orbiting a sunlike star." said Greg Laughlin. [pronounces it "laugh"-lin]
Laughlin? From now on I can only picture him laughing when he talks. He also said...
[reads another quote from Laughlin, laughing throughout. He can barely talk because he's laughing so hard.] "The chances of liquid water and life as we know it" ... hahahahaha haha... "on the Kepler-20e and f are"... hahahahahaha ... "zero." Hahahaha!
[Craig pouts.] Great. Guess we can't live on those planets. I don't even care anymore.
[shows article] But researcher Francois Fressin has some good news.
Fressin? What does that remind me of? [shows website for FRES] FRES. The Ferret Rescue and Education Society. From now on, i'll picture him as a talking ferret.
[An animated talking ferret appears superimposed over the article. As Craig reads from the article in a funny voice, the ferret 'talks'.] "We proved that Earth-size planets exist around other stars like the sun, and most importantly, we proved that humanity is able to detect them. It's the beginning of an era."
Maybe we're going about this all wrong. Instead of looking for inhabitable planets, we should learn how to adapt to the ones we've already found. Sure, these planets might be blazingly skin-meltingly hot, but over time I think we can get used to it. I think I can give it a try. EXPLOSION! [Explosion and then fire rages on his couch.] EXPLOSION! [Another explosion and fire.] EXPLOSION! [Another explosion and fire.] Okay, in other news.
[The fires rage behind him as he continues] Let's see. What else was gonna happen today? I was gonna bring out the elephants and trapeze artists. I was gonna perform my entire one-man version of Thriller. Barack Obama was gonna stop by and eat an entire turkey. I was gonna do a quadruple lutz. Figure-skating trick. It's getting HOT! HOT! I can't... I can't... [gets up, stripping off his shirt.] I can't... [Bats the fire with his shirt. Turns and opens the window. From the outside of the building, we see Craig climb out window and jump to the sidewalk below (from the second storey), yelling as he falls. He lands on sidewalk. Gets and up and walks away.] I should probably go call the Fire Department or something.
[Wheezy Waiter shadow outro]
[An animated Craig says:] Oh hey beardlovers. [Winks (ding)]
[Craig sighs.] Fine. [Sighs, exasperated.] Fine. Then why is it... [Sighs] Fine. [Sighs] Oh fine. [sighs] Oh fine.