[Wheezy Waiter beard intro except the beard is superimposed over a picture of the earth]
Hey beardlovers, it's Earth Day.
[in a captain's hat:] Arrrr, happy Earth Day! That's Talk Like A Pirate Day. This supposed to be a pirate hat? [pointing at his hat]
[talking in a funny voice:] Four score and seven years ago ... oh wait, that's the Gettysburg Address.
Remember to check the batteries in your fire alarms and locate the nearest exit. Ahh, Fire Safety Awareness Day.
[talking like Sean Connery] I am the last one.... Oh, that's my Sean Connery impression from the movie Dragonheart. Ever seen it? Me neither.
Getting all psyched up to chug my six bottles of wine.... That's what I do every morning.
Remember to place your tissue next to your bed so you can cry yourself to sleep... That's Valentines Day. And every day.
Let's all point and laugh at me as we critique my wasted life. Ah, birthdays.
[talking like Sean Connery again] Junior? We named the dog Indiana.
I'm glad we could all get together to commemorate Hebrews escape from enslavement in Egypt. Passover. I'm not even Jewish. Oy vey. What a shmuck.
[singing] We wish you a merr... [stops] No.
I'm totally gonna dress up like Kate but with bigger boobs and more makeup and then I'm gonna make out with whoever's dressed up like Sawyer. Series finale of Lost party.
[talking like Sean Connery again] I found the cure for the plague of the 20th century and I lost it.
Ohhhh, EARTH Day.
Psh, saving the earth and junk? I can do that. [pretends to be finishing drinking a bottle of wine. drops bottle in trash] Recycled. Earth saved. You're welcome.
[Viewer-submitted wink (ding)]
[talking like Sean Connery again:] You're the man now, dog.
[wheezywaiter.com youtube.com/wheezywaiter outro]
[Connery voice:] The Kurgan. He is the strongest of all the immortals. He is the perfect warrior. If he wins the prize, mortal man would suffer an eternity of darkness. [leans over and talks in another voice:] How do you beat such a savage? [leans back to his original position, speaks in Connery voice:] With heart, faith, and steel. In the end, there can be only one. [regular voice:] Happy Earth Day. [smiles and waves]