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WheezyWaiter video
Episode no. Episode 511
Original Upload date May 25, 2011
Running time 0:03:24
Intro Wheezy beard intro
Wink submitted by Tomathys
Featured Clones
Episode chronology
← Previous
"The End of the World"
Next →
"Apocalypse Yes"



[Explosion] [slides in/singing rug]
Were you scared by that? Why would you be scared by that? Look at the title of the video. God, you're such a... [explosion] [Craig yells in surprise and fear and runs out of the room into another room]
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
[Craig is sitting on the floor of his bathroom, leaning against the toilet, with his hands over his ears, shaking his head back and forth] I can't! I can't do it! I can't! [He cries]
[A clone in the tub opens the shower curtain]
[Clone:] You can.
[Craig:] Who are you and why are you in my tub and why are you so good-looking?
[Clone:] I'm a clone. You made me to do chores. Thanks. [looks bashful about his handsomeness]
[Craig:] Oh right right right right. [Throughout their conversation, explosions can be heard in the other room] That's right.
[Clone:] Why aren't you out there doing your video?
[Craig:] It's a war zone out there. In case you haven't heard, it's Explosion Wednesday.
[Clone:] So it's a thing now. I thought you weren't sure if it was a thing.
[Craig:] I'm not. Still testing it out. Can't rush into these things. The only way I'll make it a thing is if Oprah says it's a thing.
[Clone:] Oh. The lesbian?
[Craig:] I think you're thinking of Ellen.
[Clone:] No I wasn't.
[Craig:] Oh. I think you're thinking of Rosie O'Donnell.
[Clone:] No I wasn't.
[Craig:] Oh. I think you're thinking of Sally Jessy Raphael.
[Clone:] No I wasn't.
[Craig:] Oh. I think you're thinking of Ricki Lake.
[Clone:] No I wasn't.
[Craig:] Oh.
[Clone:] Isn't it supposed to be her last episode today?
[Craig:] I... I wouldn't know anything... about that. Shifty eyes. Shifty eyes.
[Clone:] Wait a second. That's what this is about. You're not afraid of explosions. You're afraid of a world without Oprah.
[As Craig begins to sob, words fly from his mouth: gah hhuh uh]
[Craig:] No! [crying] That's not it.
[Clone:] You're pathetic.
[Craig:] Explosions are so scary.
[Clone:] Ugh.
[Craig:] They make me cry.
[Clone:] Your crying makes me laugh.
[Craig:] Okay, okay. You're right. You're very smart.
[Clone:] I'm very smart.
[Craig:] Like me.
[Clone:] Yeah.
[Craig:] Cause you're my clone.
[Clone:] I'm very observant.
[Craig:] You're a genius.
[Clone:] I don't even need to turn the lights on. I just use the idea bulbs on top of my head.
[Craig:] Oprah... How will I know what books to read? Who will make ugly people beautiful? Or ugly in a different way? [Tears are pouring off Craig's face onto his shirt] How will I see celebrities cry? How will I see celebrities cry?!! [sobs]
[Clone:] There's actually a lot of places for those things. But anyway, yes, Oprah has left a hole in the fabric of society. Craig, what about you? You can fill Oprah's hole.
[Craig:] Inappropriate!
[Clone:] In society.
[Craig:] No, I can't. Unsubscribe. Run away run away.
[Clone:] I'm not sure her absence is such a bad thing. Look at this makeover she did on her website. [Shows picture from her website] Look what she did to that guy. [In the before picture, the guy has an out-of-control beard. In the after picture, he's clean-shaven] [Dun dun dun music]
[Craig:] The show must go on! [Craig gets up and leaves]
[From the main camera angle, we see Craig returning from the bathroom]
[Explosion] [He drops and rolls] [Explosion] [He punches the explosion] [Explosion] Stop! [The explosion freezes.] I own you! [Craig sits down] Okay, finish. [The explosion finishes.] So in explosion new...aaahhhh...owww [shakes his hand which is on fire] I forgot. When punching an explosion, always remember to brake [he stops walking near the explosion], strike [he punches the explosion and his hand catches fire], shake. [he shakes the fire out] [Text on screen: 1) Brake 2) Strike 3) Shake]
So in explosion news [shows article] Sarah Palin has the 'FIRE in my belly' for prez run. Huh. I also got a fire in my belly. From deep-fried cheese curds. And I got a smart bomb in my brain for knowledge. [standing and running in place] Firecrackers in my pants for dancing. [shot of his shoe] A rock in my shoe for... Well, there's just a rock in my shoe. It's really annoying. And intercontinental ballistic missiles in my heart for you. Come here. Give me a hug. [Hugs the camera. Sound of missiles launching] Hear that? Yeah. Think I need to go to a doctor.
[Viewer-submitted wink (ding)]
Thought I was gonna quit there for a second. But even though Oprah's gone, I'll be strong. Until tomorrow. That's when I predicted the end of the world would be. I guess this whole thing was kind of pointless. [Sound of fire and sizzling from below camera. Craig looks down.] Excuse me. Gotta dance! [He gets up and starts dancing in place to the sound of firecrackers] Aaaah! Oooh! Oooh! Ow!

Recurring elements

singing rug, Explosion Wednesday, clone, flying-words sob, headlines, wink

External links