Hey, it's July 20th. I got the camera for the day. And I went on a fieldtrip.
[Wheezy outside, walking:] To the doctor's office.
Is that were I went? What are my symptoms?
[Wheezy outside, walking:] For quite a while now, I've been getting this pain in my side. Right here.
Oh yeah, and it especially hurts when I breathe. [Inhales.] Ow. [Exhales.] Ow.
[Wheezy outside, walking:] And yesterday it started hurting really bad so I decided to go to the doctor. I hope it's not cancer!
Oh Craig it's not cancer. You're making a proverbial Alp out of an ant farm.
[Voiceover over footage of the doctor's office:] The waiting room was eerily vacant. But not as vacant as my wallet after my copay. Help! [picture of Michael Moore]
A nurse checked my vitals and left me alone to think about how much more successful the doctor was than me.
The doctor thinks the heart looks like that [shows diagram of heart from doctor's office] but it looks like that, moron. [painting of a heart] Who's successful now?
There was a sheet about folic acid. Stay tuned? Not sure I get the sheet-on-the-bulletin-board channel.
I couldn't throw the paper towel down the toilet so I taped it to my arm.
This is where you put your urine.
Hmm. Let's eat. This is where I found sustenance. Beard crumb!
Then I ate dessert while I walked home.
[Wheezy outside, walking:]
Eatin' and walkin'. Eatin' and walkin'. Hey, quit your gawkin'! I'm eatin' and walkin'.
Eatin' while I mosey. Eatin' while I mosey. Taking off my clothesy. Eatin' while I mosey.
Eatin' while I stroll. Eatin' while I stroll. From the depths of my soul. I'm eatin' while I stroll.
[back in the apartment:] The doctor has to wait for some tests to come back but he said not to worry. It's probably just a muscle spasm.
The good news is is it's not serious but the bad news is he can do nothing for me.
Cool! That means I can just sit around with my pain!
Come on, a muscle spasm? That's all?
It might be my colon, it might be my liver.
I don't know. Doctor, please deliver.
Might be my gallbladder, might be my spleen.
Might be my pancreas. Ooh that's obscene.
Doctor, doctor, diagnose the shit out of me.
You gave me an EKG. What the hell is an EKG?
According to Wikipedia, it's an electrocardiogram,
Which records the electrical activity of the heart over time.
When the tests came back, you said I was fine.
Basically you're telling me I'm out of my mind.
Doctor, doctor, please don't give me a maybe.
Doctor, doctor, I'd rather have cancer or rabies. [song over]
Well, maybe not cancer or rabies but you wouldn't be able to diagnose that anyway, would you?
song, clone, Wikipedia, "danzig!", wink
doctor doctor on YouTube