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WheezyWaiter video
Episode no. Episode 471
Original Upload date March 1, 2011
Running time 0:02:49
Intro Wheezy beard intro
Outro video game outro
Wink submitted by Kristian
Great People
Guests: Sam Grant
Featured Clones
Episode chronology
← Previous
"Girl Scout, Interrupted"
Next →
"Beauty 102"



[Craig, off camera:] What should I talk about today? Let's see. What? [begins to slide into frame/singing rug. Stares at camera.] Are you saying things? No? Okay. [begins to slide out of frame/singing rug] Alright, let's begin.
[slides in/singing rug] Hey beardlovers. Today I wanna... what? What are you saying? Why are you saying things? Stop saying things! Oh... [looks over shoulder] I need to straighten my bed. [gets up and walks towards bed. Suddenly turns towards camera.] What? What? Are you... stop saying things! I'm trying to do a video here. Stop it! What the... Oh, oh wait, [leans forward towards camera, grabs something, leans back and shows a handwritten sign that says "Things" with duct tape on it, obviously previously taped to the camera. Smiles, embarrassed.] Wow, my mistake.
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
So in the news today, [shows headline] "Farmers market sells medical pot." That's great. Now doctors finally have a place to put their soup to cook on the stove. Oh wait. [showing still from video of giant jars of pot.] Those pots are made of glass. And they're used to store brussels sprouts. Gross! I don't like brussels sprouts! I would never eat them ever unless I was incredibly stoned out of my mind. Don't do drugs. Side effects may include brussels sprout ingestion.
In other news... [turns suddenly to his left] YOU shut up! Oh wait. [Grabs sign that says "Shut up!" on it and was taped to the left of him. Makes funny face.]
In other news, Sam Grant, the bassist in my band Driftless Pony Club, is currently sitting on my bed. [Widens angle to reveal Sam, sitting on Craig's bed.] Sam, why are you here?
[Sam:] Do you have any ... uhh... brussels sprouts? [Audience laughs]
[Craig:] Saaam!
[Sam:] What? I'm making a salad for Matt! [stands up and leaves, knocking stuff over in anger] Don't do drugs! [Audience laughs and applauds]
How did he get in here?
So, in other news... [Craig suddenly reacts in fear to something to right. He recoils a few times and then gets out of the chair and hides behind it, crying out in fear.] Ohhhh! [Pans camera to show another sign that says "bullets" and has pictures of bullets on it.] Who keeps putting these signs up?
One of the biggest hindrances to creativity is distraction. You gotta eliminate all... [looks down, his speech begins to slow] things that are.... [stops speaking] Has this always been here? [holds up a sign that says "Mirror" and begins to groom and admire himself in front of it. Says to the piece of paper:] Hey, how you doing? [raises his eyebrows, makes a kissy face, kisses the piece of paper] How do I look? [moves his hand from bottom corner of page to reveal the word "Ugly." sighs in exasperation]
I just can't seem to get anything done today. I'm gonna go to bed.
[A clone enters in the background and says:] Don't give up! You can do it! Stand up straight! Go for it!
[Craig:] Is this some sort of motivational clone?
[Motivational clone:] Succeed! Go big or go home! Suck it up! Put your game face on! I have faith! I believe in you! I have hope in the faith that I believe in you!
[Craig:] Get to the alligator pit!
[Motivational clone:] Way to make a decision! You're going straight to the top! [jumps into the alligator pit]
[Craig:] I apologize. There were just way too many distractions today...
[Motivational clone, who can be heard from the alligator pit:] That's right, alligator! You chew those bones! Oh! You stopped eating! What's the matter? Are you not hungry? Oh! You're eating the remains of a different clone! That must mean I don't taste good! That's okay! I'll turn myself around! I'll use special body oils and a nutritional regimen to make myself delicious! Yeah!
[Viewer-submitted wink (ding)]
Just another reminder to check out the dates that my band is on tour. We might be coming to your town. We're leaving on Saturday. We're going to St. Louis. We're ending up in Cleveland. We're going in a big circle. [A clone is visible in the kitchen, leans out of the kitchen door to hang up a sign on the wall above Craig's nightstand.] We might be coming to your town. You might want to check it out. [Craig turns and sees the new sign on the wall near his nightstand. He approaches it. It's a drawing of a crack.] There's a crack in the support beam! This wall isn't structurally sound! I'm gonna hold it up. [holds onto the wall] Where's my phone? My phone's over there! Help!

Recurring elements

singing rug, beardlovers, headlines, Driftless Pony Club (DPC), laugh track, Motivational clone, alligator pit, clone


This is the first appearance of Motivational clone.

Related videos

Handstand 94

External links

Distract on YouTube