[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. This quote will self-destruct in 4... 3... 2... 1... Just kidding! Or am I? [As he says this, the words appear on the screen beside him: This quote will self-destruct in 4...3...2...1...just kidding...or am I? -Craig Benzine] [As he pauses, more periods appear as a very long ellipsis after the question mark. Then the quote explodes.] Nope.
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
Guess what? It's [Craig leaps and spins about] WEDNESDAY WEDNESDAY EXPLOSION WEDNESDAY! [Sits down, panting] I'm outta shape. Not a healthy man. And I'm not sure if Explosion Wednesday should be a thing or not. It's too early to tell. We'll see. But at least I don't gotta work on my celebrity birthday knowledge like Michelle Bachmann. [shows article] All SHOOK UP: Bachmann flubs Elvis' birthday. Hehe. Flubs. Sometimes funny words are funnier backwards. Sbulf. Apparently she said August 16th was his birthday when in fact that was the anniversary of his death.
The king of America's gotta know about the king of rock and roll. Kings gotta know kings. Side note. [Side note. Turns to another camera angle to his left.] Is it just me or should we be concerned that Burger King looks more like a pimp or a gangsta. I mean, you know I can handle the strizzeeds. But what about our children? What about our children?!! [turns back to main camera angle]
Now, to Michelle Bachmann's credit, it's just an honest mistake. I make the same mistake with birthdays all the time. [text on screen: but in reverse] Speaking of, my mom's birthday's coming up pretty soon. I better make sure I don't make the same mistake I made last year.
[Text on screen: LAST YEAR] [Craig is on the phone. Sad music plays.] Hey Dad. Yeah, it's been another year. [text on screen: Wow, I was wearing the same clothes that day. Weird.] How you holding up? [starts sobbing] Oh god! I miss her so much! You don't know what you have until it's gone! What are you... Dad, what are you talking about? You're being hysterical... What? Mom? [Happier music plays] Mom??? You're alive? Oh right! Birthday! Happy birthday, Mom. Uh listen, Mom... Mom... I gotta... I gotta go. I got... I got stuff. I got stuff. See ya. [Gets up] Bye.
Now to make sure I stay focused on births instead of deaths, let's talk about celebrity birthdays today.
Today Robert DeNiro turned [mumbles] years old. We know he's most famous for his role in BANG the Drum Slowly. He was also in HEAT and Meet the Parents. In which he played Jack BYRNES!
Donnie Wahlberg turned [mumble coughs] years old, and we know that his claim to fame is a short-lived series that nobody heard about called BOOMTOWN!
Sean Penn is another year older. Oh, isn't that the guy who made an appearance in Viva La BAM once?
Also today's the birthday of German actor Frederick Lau. He was in these movies. [Shows list of films from Wikipedia, over which there is an explosion.] German words just sound like explosions. That's just how it is.
In other news today, [shows article] Get some sleep: BANG in your head waking you? It has a name. [Reads from article] Most of us have drifted off to sleep only to awaken with a sudden start. This is a benign occurrence known as a hypnic jerk.
That's similar to my nickname in college. Only replace 'hypnic' with stupid or any... any offensive word you can think of. [He sobs as words fly out of his mouth: gah hhuh uh]
[Reads from article] There is a similar condition in which people awaken suddenly because tehy hear a loud noise in their head. They usually describe it as a loud BANG or an EXPLOSION. In fact, this phenomenon is called EXPLODING head syndrome.
That is the coolest, most misleading syndrome name ever. Well, besides Dinosaur Rocket Syndrome. Which is misleading because I just made it up.
Exploding head syndrome actually happens to me all the time, mostly on Wednesday mornings. Last night I filmed myself sleeping to find out what was going on. I always film myself sleeping. What? Is that creepy? What? What?
Let's check out the footage. [Green-toned footage of Craig sleeping and snoring, making occasional whooping sounds in his snores. He talks in his sleep:] Explosion! [Explosion. He wakes up and looks around. Falls back asleep.]
Ah ha! Finally, conclusive evidence. That I'm a very sexy sleeper. Is that what we were talking about?
Can I just point out that guy that posed in that picture for that article... [shows picture that accompanied article of a guy with his hand on his forehead] how do I get that job? I'm very good at looking uncomfortable in photos. [Makes some uncomfortable faces.] Feel free to use any of those for your next health-related article.
I'm also available if you're doing articles about Michelle Bachmann. [Takes off his glasses and makes a funny face. Michelle Bachmann's dissolves over the top of his face. The expression is a perfect match.]
[Wheezy Waiter video game outro]
[Viewer-submitted wink (ding)]
A couple things I need to mention. If you're in the Chicago area, I'm speaking at the 20something bloggers summit on Saturday at 11:45 a.m. Info in the doobly-doo. You should come on out if you wanna see me speak at you. And also smell me speak at you. Don't worry, I'll wear cologne. I don't have any cologne. I'll wear deodorant. I'm running out. Hopefully I don't run out by Saturday.
Also remember that video I did Competition that has a Part 2 that's on amazon dot com slash intel that needs to get to 200,000 views so that Intel donates 25 thousand dollars to DonorsChoose dot org? Please go watch it if you haven't. Or watch it again. Tell your friends to watch it. Watch your friends watch it. You don't have to watch your friends watch it. The competition video is here [points to clickable annotation] and part 2 is linked in the doobly-doo.
What is that? [turns around and looks at wall behind him] Hold for focus, hold for focus. [Focuses the camera on the wall, where there's a new sign hanging.] Eagle crossing? [Goes up to the wall, where there's an Eagle Crossing sign] Who put that there? [The eagle flies down in front of it. Craig waves his arms to shoo the eagle away.] Augh! I hate it when the eagles are crossing! [Runs out of frame] Oh wow! This new couch is great!
singing rug, beardlovers, Craig quotes, Explosion Wednesday, headlines, side note, Wikipedia, flying-words sob, wink, doobly-doo, eagle, new couch
The video about competition on his main channel is Competition 101 and on Amazon is Competition 101 (continued).
Dinosaur Rocket Syndrome on YouTube