[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
[slides in/singing rug] [he stops this time instead of sliding by like in recent videos] Boom.
[runs into frame and stops] Boom.
[bent down] Tying shoe. Tying shoe.
[rubbing his stubble] Wind resistance is back. I can stop on a dime.
It's true. I've been stopping on dimes all morning. I got a big pile of change right here. [holds up a palm full of dimes] Thinking about going to the five and dime, buying some of their high-end products.
[showers himself in dimes] Mmm. I love dimes. Mmm.
So that was weird. Anyway. I guess the point is, Toddly00, watch out.
Toddly and I are in a beard-growing competition, in case you don't know. He'll be making a movie later today. I always make mine first. Ssssh! [whispers:] Todd's sleeping.
A bunch of you asked what the winner gets.
[Craig as his hyptohetical mother at the window:] What should it matter? Isn't the joy of the raw battle enough for you lousy pieces of *ding*?
[Craig:] Mom, are you gonna talk about being in the war again?
[Craig as his hyptohetical mother at the window:] When I was in the war....
[Craig:] Here we go.
[Craig as his hyptohetical mother at the window:] We thought we were all done for. But then I figured out a way to upload a virus into the mother ship. So me and this black guy got into a pod and went into outer space...
[Craig:] That's the climax of Independence Day.
[Craig as his hyptohetical mother at the window:] Oh yeah, you're right.
[Craig sighs and shakes his head.]
Anyway, our idea is that the winner of the contest gets to slap the loser. When we cross paths. He lives in California. I live in Chicago. So Toddly, you better get ready for this action.
[Craig and a clone sit facing each other.]
[Craig:] You be Toddly.
[Clone:] No you be Toddly.
[Craig:] No you be Toddly.
[Craig punches the clone.]
[Clone:] Ow! Owwwww!!
[Craig:] A little more. A little more.
[Craig:] That's good.
See that? It's gonna hurt.
Another bit of housekeeping. A video I did for HowCast ... uhh... a few months ago recently went live. I had help from my friend Matt Weber. There's a link to the video in the describey on YouTube and it's embedded below the describey on wheezywaiter dot com. So if you haven't had enough wheezywaiter today, if that's POSSIBLE, bwahahaha, go check it out. Comment. Rate it. Whatever.
[Wheezy checks the time on his wrist again, where his cell phone is balanced.] Well, well, no time to do breakfast today. Tracy and Gus, you're on.
[Tracy kisses Gus' head and winks (ding)]
[wheezywaiter.com youtube.com/wheezywaiter outro]
[outtakes] [Craig as his hyptohetical mother at the window:] Just as the pod opened up and a ray of light shined out, I flew up in and it exploded!