Dieting 101

From Wheezy Wiki

Video

Transcript

[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. I'm thinking about going on a diet. Starting now. [Holds up a cookie while looking in another direction.] There's a cookie in my hand, isn't there? Thinking over. [Eats the cookie, making nom sounds.] [Talks with his mouth full:] How do you expect me to go on a diet with all these cookies in the world?
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
[Licking his lips, still making nom sounds]
I love cookies.
[Licking his lips, still making nom sounds]
I love cookies.
That was a good cookie. Now I think I can go on a diet. [Licks his lips again.] I need milk. You can't have a cookie without milk. [pours himself a cup of milk] That ad campaign really worked on me. [sips milk] You know what would make this better? Cinnamon. That's actually really good in milk. Why settle for not cinnamon when you can have yes cinnamon? [Shakes cinnamon into his cup. Sips.] Mmm. It makes it taste like a horchata. That's a drink you can get at Mexican restaurants. You can't have a horchata without chips and salsa. That would be culturally insensitive. [Leans to grab chips] Racist, really. Yeah! [Pours chips into a bowl] Just a little bit. Just a little bit. [Pours salsa on top of the chips] There we go. Yeah. This is like nachos. Oh! Cheese! [Drops cheese on top of the chips] It's like lactose rain. [sings:] Pour some cheese on me. I'm a dork.
There we go. [Smiles as he holds up bowl with chips, salsa, and cheese in one hand and his cup of cinnamon milk in the other hand.] Gotta have some protein in there. A little beef blanket for my nachos. [Lays down a slice of roast beef (or something) on top of the chips.] Now I'm ready to drink my glass of milk. Oh, I can't have milk without cookies. I think I just ate the last one. I don't have time to go to the store. I gotta make this video. Idea! I'll just eat the money I was gonna use to buy the cookies. [Lays down a couple of dollar bills on top of his bowl of chips, salsa, cheese and beef. Bites down on a chip and a dollar bill at the same time.] Probably should have cooked it longer. It tastes a little too legal tender! Hahahahahaha. Haha. Seriously, am I gonna go to jail for eating money?
[Eats chip and puts down empty bowl.] Buh. That was good. This diet's a success. I'm so full. Aaaaaa! Ugggggggg! Fiber!
It's fiber, it's fiber, it's fiber, it's fiber, it's fiber... [Screen splits in two with extreme closeup of Craig playing guitar on the right side of the screen as Craig's chant becomes a kind of song]... it's fiber, it's fiber, it's fiber, it's fiber... [Craig gets up and runs towards kitchen] ... it's fiber, it's fiber... [Craig takes cereal out of cereal box with his hand] ... it's fiber, it's fiber... [he throws cereal into his mouth and on his face]
[As the "it's fiber" chorus continues in the background until the end of the song, Craig sings:]
Better go and eat your fiber. [Craig rains cereal down on himself with his mouth open to catch it]
And then everything goes away. [Craig runs towards the bathroom.]
Then you can be like MacGyver
And do awesome *shirt* every day.
Awesome *shirt* like making a grappling hook out of a fork and dental floss. [Craig holds up fork and dental floss and starts wrapping floss around the fork.]
Sometimes you gotta get rid of your *shirt* to do *shirt* [Craig swings his contraption and throws it offscreen while still holding onto floss.]
That's all I'm saying. [Craig rappels up the dental floss as he leaves the frame.]
Actually, MacGyver isn't doing anything right now. His show isn't on TV. It is in reruns. But this song isn't about MacGyver.
It's about fiber.
[song over]
I love cookies.
[Viewer-submitted wink (ding)]
[Wheezy Waiter video game outro]
[Craig swings and throws his contraption. It falls and clatters. He rappels up the line of dental floss.]

Recurring elements

101 videos, singing rug, beardlovers, chips and salsa, "I'm a dork.", song, *shirt*, wink, outtakes

Related videos

Handstand 24

External links

Dieting 101 on YouTube