Dear Future Craig

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"Dear Future Craig"
WheezyWaiter video
Episode no. Episode 378
2010
Original Upload date August 27, 2010
Running time 0:03:26
Intro Wheezy beard intro
Outro sunglasses outro
Wink submitted by ConstellationLCD
Great People
Guests: John Green
Episode chronology
← Previous
"F*Ding*"
Next →
"Big"

Video

Transcript

[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. Did you see in the news? [shows article] BPA raising testosterone in men? The controversial chemical widely found in plastic products can increase testosterone in men, a new study says.
Oh. A new STUDY says! Stupid scientists and their lying lies that are untruthful.
In an unrelated Google search, [shows article] Testosterone is the cause of many of the changes that occur in puberty, such as the growth of the beard.
Huh. That's a random fact to learn. My face itches. Oh, good thing there's this plastic bottle here for me to scratch it with. [Rubs side of his face with plastic bottle.] Huh, the other side too. [scratches the other cheek] That's weird.
[shows article about testosterone again] These same hormones that cause acne and beard growth can also signal the beginning of baldness.
[Craig drops the bottle.] You shouldn't believe everything you read.
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
Kinda feeling sick today, guys. [Sad face and sad music plays] Just thought I'd let you know for your information. I'm not trying to look for sympathy or anything. [Points downward as text appears onscreen: the comment section is below. Lots of arrows point below.]
I think there are three types of sick people. The type that are quiet about it and kind of embarrassed. The type that announce it to the world because they think it makes them special. We hate those people, right? And then there's the type in the middle, who subtly let people know that they're sick just as a safety precaution. That's who I think I am.
[Craig stands in the street with a little megaphone:] Oh man, I'm so sick. Love me. Sympathize.
Safety first.
How does Craig with a Wig feel about being sick?
[Craig with a Wig:] Life is a sickness. So... normal. [shrugs]
[Theme song:] He's Craigity Craig, Craig with a Wig. [Craig with a Wig turns his head to camera and smiles] [toy piano key] [Craig with a Wig then blows his nose and continues smiling]
As many of you know, I have a cloning machine, and when I clone myself when I'm sick, the clone is sick too. [A bright light and buzzing sound can be seen/heard from offscreen] Oh! Clone's ready. Gonna do your chores?
[A clone walks into frame:] Oh god, I'm so sick! [Jumps into the alligator pit. We can hear the alligator munching.]
Guess he clocked out early.
Mom, if you're watching, I'm doing fine. I'm not really THAT sick. I'm just a little bit sick.
Oh god, I feel so sick. God...
Breathing is my thing. [Tries breathing in and out rapidly in extreme closeup but starts coughing instead] Guess not when I'm sick.
What can I do to cheer myself up? How about I think about a time when I wasn't sick? Like the future, I hope.
This young British fellow [points to a picture], charlieissocoollike, just did a video where he addresses himself at 30 years old. And he vowed to not look at that video until he turns 30, which is in 10 years for him.
I'm gonna do the same thing.
30 year old Craig, first of all, I hope you still don't have the same sickness. If so, you might want to go to the doctor. It's probably something pretty bad.
Secondly, you probably have less hair up here [points to top of his head] but more down here [points to beard] because I can't stop doing this [rubs cheek with plastic bottle]. Let's just not worry about that, okay? Bald is sexy. Look at this guy. [Picture of Bruce Willis] And this guy. [Picture of Chris Daughtry] Don't look at that guy! [Picture of Dr. Phil] Or that guy. [Picture of Brendan Fraser] How did Britney Spears get in there? [Picture of bald Britney] Anyway, you get my point. Maybe.
Also, I hope you eventually started buying nose tissue instead of toilet paper. [points to toilet paper on his nightstand]
Right now, 30 year old Craig, things are going good. I'm getting paid to do what I love. Pyramid schemes. Oh, and making videos too, I guess. Hopefully by the time I'm 30, I'm getting paid to do absolutely nothing. Then I can spend my time giving back to the community by purchasing hardcore drugs and pornography. I... I mean charities. Or something.
Also, [standing by bookshelf, pointing to top of bookshelf] are you ever gonna clean up this clutter up here? It's been here for years. And could you please stop leaving the space heater out when you're not using it? [Picks it up] It's the middle of the summer.
I have no idea what your life's gonna be like at 30. That's a little bit down the road for me. I've decided to ask somebody who already has that experience, so here's vlogbrother John Green with some advice. John?
[John:] Wheezy, you're turning 30 in a month! Stop wasting my time.
[Craig:] Well... it's actually like a month and a week, but... I guess that's not too long, is it?
[Viewer-submitted outro theme and wink (ding)]
Hopefully by the time you're 30, Craig, you can do a better handstand but for now, click here to see where we're at. [Points to clickable annotation]
[John:] You want my advice? My advice is to make Explosion Wednesday a thing. [Explosion] Aaaaa! Explosion! I thought that only happened on Wednesdays.

Recurring elements

singing rug, beardlovers, headlines, sad face, Craig with a Wig, clone, alligator pit, breathing being his thing, wink, Explosion Wednesday

Related videos

Handstand 7

External links

Dear Future Craig on YouTube