Dad vs. Abraham Lincoln

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"Dad vs. Abraham Lincoln"
WheezyWaiter video
Episode no. Episode 253
Original Upload date February 12, 2010
Running time 0:03:41
Intro Wheezy beard intro
Outro Sunglasses outro
Wink submitted by themattieboosh
Great People
Guests: Craig's dad (on phone)
Mike Benedetto
Featured Clones
Episode chronology
← Previous
"Leggo My Eggo Hole"
Next →
"Lincoln's Revenge"



[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. Today's got two birthdays I'd like to talk about. One is for the 16th president of the United States, who was president for four years. [turns to alternate camera angle:] The other is the first dad of the United Craigs who has served for 29 years. Still in his first term. [turns back to main camera angle]
One is named Abraham Lincoln. [turns to alternate camera angle] The other is named... Dad. [turns back to main camera angle]
[Craig and a clone sit side by side. At first, they speak in unison.]
[Craig and clone (at same time):] Happy birthday...
[Clone:] ...Abraham Lincoln.
[Craig:] ...Fatherham Dadcoln. I just wanted to match syllable count. [shakes head] I.... [to clone] Stop looking at me.
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
Why's Lincoln gotta be steppin' on my dad's birthday?
[closeup:] You're going down, Lincoln!
Abraham Lincoln only served as president for four years. Pffft. [turns to alternate camera angle] My dad's worked at the same factory for over 30 years. Longevity? I think Dad! [turns back to main camera angle]
[closeup:] Whatcha gonna say, Lincoln?
Lincoln signed the Emancipation Proclamation thus ending slavery. Oooh. Piece of paper. [blows a raspberry]
[turns to alternate camera angle] My dad has two brothers in Louisiana who don't own slaves. Not that anyone in Louisiana would even wanna own slaves, and slavery has been illegal for many, many years. But I would like to think it's because of my dad's one-on-one talks about the issue with his brothers. [turns back]
[closeup:] Ever talked one-on-one, Lincoln?
Lincoln has a child's toy, Lincoln Logs.
[turns to alternate camera angle] My dad has his own product that's good for all ages. Dad's root beer. Invented by Dad. [turns back]
[closeup:] Four score and seven years ago my father brought forth upon this continent delicious Dad's root beer. Drink it in, Lincoln! Taste like failure?
This is Abraham Lincoln's Wikipedia page. [shows it]
One is named Abraham Lincoln. [Annotation on screen: WTF? Don't know how this shot got here.]
[shot of Abraham Lincoln's Wikipedia page] Words words words.
This is my dad's Wikipedia page. [shows a Wikipedia page that entitled DAD with a picture of Craig's dad] Straight to the point. [Zooms in on the Wikipedia article, which is two words long: AWESOME DAD.]
[turns to alternate camera angle] My dad once accidentally hit two deer with two different vehicles in one day. True story. [turns back to main camera angle]
Abraham Lincoln hasn't even seen a car. Except for in Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure. Which is fiction. Unfortunately. Wouldn't that be awesome in Joan of Arc and Genghis Khan and Napoleon and Billy the Kid and Socrates and Beethoven and Lincoln all traveled through time in a phone booth? Ah man, I'd give up laser tag for that reality. And laser tag is awesome.
[turns to alternate camera angle] My dad is awesome! Even at the age of... [turns back to main camera angle] how old's my dad? Better give him a call.
[Craig, talking on phone:] Hey dad.
[Craig's dad, over the phone:] Hi son.
[Craig:] Happy birthday!
[Craig's dad:] Thank you.
[Craig:] Hey, what do you think about Lincoln?
[Craig's dad:] That car's for old people.
[Craig:] No, the president.
[Craig's dad:] Oh. He sucks.
[Craig:] I know, right? So, how old are you, Dad?
[Craig's dad:] 2 score and 16 years.
[Craig:] Wow! 93.
[Craig's dad:] No. 56.
[Craig:] Oh.
[Craig's dad:] How ya been? I haven't heard from you in a while.
[Craig:] Hey listen, I'd love to chat forever, but I gotta go. [makes hand symbol for someone talking a lot] See you later, Dad. Happy birthday.
[Craig's dad:] Bye, son. Thank you.
How old's LIncoln? Let me give him a call. [picks up phone] Beep boop boop boop. Oh, that's right. He's dead.
[Winker winks (ding) and when he winks, his hair goes from long-ish to short. He grabs his head:] I hate it when that happens.
[Wheezy Waiter sunglasses outro]
Wait... Lincoln did have a beard. And he ended slavery. Alright. He's awesome. Oh *shirt*. It's Free Bagel Friday.
[Craig's boss walks up to the bagels, singing to himself:] Bagel for me.
[He starts cutting bagel. Craig walks up.]
[Craig:] Gimme that bagel.
[Craig's boss:] Hey, do you know that in 2008 one thousand nine hundred and seventy nine people reported to the ER due to a BRI? Bagel-related injury. [looks at camera] The link is in the doobly-doo. [points to doobly-doo] [looks back at Craig] I find some comfort in knowing I'm not the only one-ahhhhh!
[Craig punches his boss, who goes flying backwards, knocking recycling bin over. Cans clatter on the floor.]
[Craig's boss, lying on the floor:] I find discomfort in being punched in the face.
Lincoln signed the Emancipation Procel... Lincoln signed the Emancipation Pockelpation... Lincoln signed the Emanciplation Pockapation... Lincoln signed the Emancipa... Lincoln signed the Emancipation Proclamation.

Recurring elements

singing rug, beardlovers, alternate camera angle, clone, Wikipedia, wink, *shirt*, Free Bagel Friday, doobly-doo, outtakes


There are a couple of long annotations in the video, which Craig probably placed there in response to the comments.
When he first mentions the Emancipation Proclamation, the first annotation appears, which reads:
Technically, the Emancipation Proclamation didn't free all slaves, only those in states that were rebelling against the Union. However, it did provide a legal framework for emancipating nearly all 4 million slaves and committed the Union to ending slavery. I didn't feel like saying all of this during my few hours of filming this morning before work. So if I gave the impression that the Emancipation Proclamation immediately ended all slavery, I apologize. But rest assured, I still consider myself perfect.
The second annotation appears after the outro when Craig says that Lincoln freed the slaves. It reads:
Again, I don't mean to give the wrong impression. The Emancipation Proclamation didn't free all the slaves, only those in states that were rebelling against the Union. However it did provide a legal framework for emancipating nearly all 4 million slaves and committed the Union to ending slavery. What I should have said here is that Abraham Lincoln took crucial steps that eventually lead to the abolishment of slavery years later. Can we please just move past this? I'm just a dude with a camera doin' stupid stuff every morning. I try my best to be correct all the time, but sometimes I mess up. *punches self* happy? Also, I still think I'm perfect.

External links

Dad vs. Abraham Lincoln on YouTube