[slides in/singing rug]
Hey beardlovers. Have you seen the picture of the water spout in Okinawa, Japan? [picture appears onscreen beside him] Wow! That is the best picture any human being will ever see in the course of human history. There's no point in looking at another picture [picture of Scarlett Johansson appears onscreen beside him] Never mind. We're fine. There's plenty of pictures to see.
[Wheezy Waiter beard intro]
So I wanted to talk to you about something that's really important for you to know, and it's gonna help you make lots of money, and it's also gonna be a really fun conversation to have, but [sniffs air] I think the coffee's done. [Gets up and goes towards kitchen.]
[In the kitchen, a clone is drinking coffee.]
[Clone:] Mmm. I love it when the coffee's done!
[Craig walks into the kitchen and sees the clone.]
[Craig:] I'm the one who loves the coffee done, clun... Clone!
[Clone:] Why can't I also love the coffee done?
[Craig:] Sit down. Let's talk about your feelings.
[Craig sits:] Coffee's for me, clone.
[Clone sits with the coffee mug.]
[Craig:] Craig. Coffee. Coffee is for Craig. They even both start with a C.
[Clone:] So does clone.
[Craig:] This isn't a spelling lesson. Just hand me the coffee, okay?
[Clone:] Why should I listen to you? I'm just gonna get thrown into the alligator pit when I'm done with my chores just like all the other clones.
[Craig:] Clone, I'm hurt. I thought I gained enough of your respect so that you would want to jump to your death. Not be thrown. You know I have sensitive elbows.
[Clone:] Yeah. From all the drinking.
[Craig:] What's that?
[Clone:] Yeah, it totally sucks about your elbow, dude.
[Craig:] Thank you. You see? Doesn't it feel good to pamper me with sympathy? [Drinks from a beer stein.]
[Clone:] I guess so.
[Craig:] Yes it does. Mmm. Delicious alcohol. I want it. I need it.
[Clone:] Why do you have to send us in to the alligator pit? We could live our lives.
[Craig:] We can't all just be a bunch of Craigs running around. The government'll step in or some junk. And it wouldn't be just you I'd have to feed. I'd have to find some other food to feed the alligator. Yeah. Your death is justified.
[Clone:] I could get a job.
[Craig:] Too risky! Government. Remember? What do you think the government's gonna do when they found out that I can make clones? They're gonna pay me millions of dollars but then I'll have to move to Washington. And who's gonna take care of my bike helmet and my umbrella? [points to them in the background]
[Clone:] I could deal drugs.
[Craig:] Nu-uh. Have you seen Breaking Bad? I am not gonna be a part of that compelling drama.
[Clone:] My life's just too short.
[Craig:] Yeah, so is mine.
[Craig:] Relatively. I mean, look how long trees live. And they're just standing there. You get to drink coffee. Like a king.
[Clone:] You didn't want me to drink coffee.
[Craig:] Stop putting truth in my mouth! Listen, is this about you wanting to be me? You couldn't possibly be me.
[Clone looks down at himself]
[Craig:] I mean, you wouldn't want to be me. All the cleaning... Oh, stupid clones do that. Um... paying the bills. No, that's automated by my online bank. Um... what do I do?
[Clone:] This coffee is so delicious.
[Craig:] Hang on a second! I'm having an existential crisis. What did I do today? I got up, went back to sleep, found a potato chip in my bed, ate it, cried at the emptiness in my heart, slept some more...
[Clone:] What was that second to last thing you said?
[Craig makes a sound to silence the clone and continues talking:] Started making my video, ordered Chinese food, laughed at how terribly pathetic my life has become...
[Clone:] Excuse me?
[Craig:] Gasp! I just realized something.
[Clone:] Your life is lonely because the only friends you have are a reflection of yourself that you repeatedly feed to the alligator...
[Craig:] You were supposed to clean the bed sheets! There was a potato chip in there!
[Clone:] You ate it.
[Craig:] Yeah, you're lucky. It was barbecue. Tell you what, you can have that cup of coffee.
[Craig:] Yep! And then straight to the alligator pit.
[Clone:] Alright. Thank you.
[Craig:] So shines a good deed. [looks at camera] In a weary world.
[Clone slurps the coffee.]
[Craig looks at him.]
[Extreme closeup of clone slurping the coffee.]
[Craig:] Are you gonna drink the whole cup that way?
[Craig:] Your sipping... It's annoying me!
[Clone:] Oh sorry. [takes a big sip] Mm! Burnt my tongue! Ahh hot hot hot hot! Hot hot hot ah mm!
[Viewer and his clone:] 1... 2.. .3... 4... [They both play guitar and sing} Wheezy Waiter is a vlogger on YouTube. And an awesome one. Or maybe the best in the world.
[Viewer:] Now here's a wink.
[The viewer's clone winks (ding)]
[Clone:] High five!
[Viewer:] I don't think so. [slides out of frame while clone sighs]
[Wheezy Waiter sunglasses outro]
[Clone finishes mug of coffee.]
[Craig:] Okay. To the alligator pit.
[Clone:] Okay. [Gets up]
[Craig, looking at camera:] So shines a good deed.
[Clone:] You said that already.
[Clone:] Here goes. [We hear him jumping into alligator pit. Alligator munches.] Hey, he just bit off my arm. I'm still alive. He must not be hungry today. You fed him too many clones.
[Craig sighs:] I need to get another alligator.